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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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There are many many posts on this forum for this same problem, but I will give you a summary:
She is endangering others, not just herself, and it is URGENT that you disable her car or remove it from her immediately. It is ok to tell her a "therapeutic lie" in order to do so, like the car has engine problems and is "in the shop" (but do not return it for any reason). Make sure no other family member, friend or neighbor tries to lend her a car or tell her where hers is.
If you are in the US you can anonymously report her to her state's DMV as a dangerous driver. They will write her a letter telling her to come in for an eye or road test. No one should help her get to this appointment. Then just let her license expire and no one take her to renew it.
Since the loss of the driving privilege has a big impact on most people, her family should arrange for family, friends, neighbors, fellow church members, etc, to take her where she needs to go, like medical appointments, hair, shopping, etc. Yes, she will be upset, thrown for a loop, but she will eventually adjust. I secretly gave my LOs friends and neighbors gift cards to restaurants so when they took her anyplace, they also had some social time eating together. The drivers were rewarded and the LO did something fun and eventually my LO didn't even miss driving. Also, remove the reasons for her to drive: arrange for groceries to be delivered to her home, order things on amazon that she needs, etc. I eventually went through an in-home care agency to hire a companion for my LO who drove her wherever she wanted. Six years later my LO still loves her companion!
If YOU and your family allow your mom to continue to drive, any accident or injury or death is just as much caused by you since you knew how bad she is. Please please do not let her get behind the wheel anymore. Act today.
My MIL had an expired license and no car when she moved in with me. She ranted for an hour today about how we won't "let" her drive. If she HAD a car, I would slash the tires, show her, and then take the car to the "shop". If she's dangerous, she shouldn't be endangering others. It's a pain to drive them everywhere, but worth it if it means potentially saving lives.
Are you her legal guardian? Does she live with you or on her own?
Are you enabling her? Giving her care in any way? Shopping or cleaning or nursing her? Does she physically pay her own bills?
If she is competent at all then you negotiate. You won’t do another thing to help her out if she doesn’t quit driving. That’s all. Nothing else needs to be said. Quit allowing her to hold you hostage. All of you siblings decide what will happen, let her know and that is that. You may feel like a heel but it’s best to get it over with. When she sees you are united and she can’t manipulate you it will be a relief for all of you including her. Decide who drives her to what and recognize it won’t be easy but it’s necessary.
If she is not competent, then you just remove the car. Yes. She will get upset. So what?! Hopefully you have legal authority to do so or she might show you so what. If that’s the case then you probably need to finesse it a bit. But get the car out of sight and make sure whatever value it has is clearly shown to go towards her care. If she’s competent she can go buy another. Can you see her being able to do that? No? Then she probably isn’t competent. In “The 36 Hour Day” they use the grandchild test. Would you allow a grandchild to ride with her? No? Then she shouldn’t be driving. Don’t be tempted to leave the car for her use for others to drive. She will want to drive it. Better to be once and done.
It took 3 years to get my grandma to finally give up the keys. A doctor in the hospital was the one who got through to her. When she brought up driving he said "Absolutely not, you are done. " We sold her car and she put the money in her savings account.
Is there a particular doctor that she will listen to? Enlist the help of her primary care physician. Call them and express your concerns about her driving. Schedule an appointment and have the doctor bring it up. Sometimes they will listen more If it comes from a medical professional.
Talk to her about all the money she will save on gas, insurance, and maintenance by not driving anymore. Be blunt about the possibility of killing herself or somebody else in an accident. Ask her how she would feel if she hit a small child chasing a ball into the street.
Before my grandma finally stopped driving, we expected to get a call from the police one day saying she was lost or had an accident.
You need to get her evaluated. There is something wrong. And until you find out the problem, take her keys away. Take them when she is not looking and tell her she lost them and until they are found, she can't drive. Lose her license too. See how u can have the car made immobile. Then say it has to be fixed and act like ur driving it to the garage. But really hide it .
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
She is endangering others, not just herself, and it is URGENT that you disable her car or remove it from her immediately. It is ok to tell her a "therapeutic lie" in order to do so, like the car has engine problems and is "in the shop" (but do not return it for any reason). Make sure no other family member, friend or neighbor tries to lend her a car or tell her where hers is.
If you are in the US you can anonymously report her to her state's DMV as a dangerous driver. They will write her a letter telling her to come in for an eye or road test. No one should help her get to this appointment. Then just let her license expire and no one take her to renew it.
Since the loss of the driving privilege has a big impact on most people, her family should arrange for family, friends, neighbors, fellow church members, etc, to take her where she needs to go, like medical appointments, hair, shopping, etc. Yes, she will be upset, thrown for a loop, but she will eventually adjust. I secretly gave my LOs friends and neighbors gift cards to restaurants so when they took her anyplace, they also had some social time eating together. The drivers were rewarded and the LO did something fun and eventually my LO didn't even miss driving. Also, remove the reasons for her to drive: arrange for groceries to be delivered to her home, order things on amazon that she needs, etc. I eventually went through an in-home care agency to hire a companion for my LO who drove her wherever she wanted. Six years later my LO still loves her companion!
If YOU and your family allow your mom to continue to drive, any accident or injury or death is just as much caused by you since you knew how bad she is. Please please do not let her get behind the wheel anymore. Act today.
Are you enabling her? Giving her care in any way? Shopping or cleaning or nursing her? Does she physically pay her own bills?
If she is competent at all then you negotiate. You won’t do another thing to help her out if she doesn’t quit driving. That’s all. Nothing else needs to be said. Quit allowing her to hold you hostage. All of you siblings decide what will happen, let her know and that is that. You may feel like a heel but it’s best to get it over with. When she sees you are united and she can’t manipulate you it will be a relief for all of you including her. Decide who drives her to what and recognize it won’t be easy but it’s necessary.
If she is not competent, then you just remove the car. Yes. She will get upset. So what?!
Hopefully you have legal authority to do so or she might show you so what. If that’s the case then you probably need to finesse it a bit. But get the car out of sight and make sure whatever value it has is clearly shown to go towards her care. If she’s competent she can go buy another. Can you see her being able to do that? No? Then she probably isn’t competent. In “The 36 Hour Day” they use the grandchild test. Would you allow a grandchild to ride with her? No? Then she shouldn’t be driving. Don’t be tempted to leave the car for her use for others to drive. She will want to drive it. Better to be once and done.
Is there a particular doctor that she will listen to? Enlist the help of her primary care physician. Call them and express your concerns about her driving. Schedule an appointment and have the doctor bring it up. Sometimes they will listen more If it comes from a medical professional.
Talk to her about all the money she will save on gas, insurance, and maintenance by not driving anymore. Be blunt about the possibility of killing herself or somebody else in an accident. Ask her how she would feel if she hit a small child chasing a ball into the street.
Before my grandma finally stopped driving, we expected to get a call from the police one day saying she was lost or had an accident.
You need to get her evaluated. There is something wrong. And until you find out the problem, take her keys away. Take them when she is not looking and tell her she lost them and until they are found, she can't drive. Lose her license too. See how u can have the car made immobile. Then say it has to be fixed and act like ur driving it to the garage. But really hide it .