My bf and I are both 21. His parents were in and out of his life, (now both have passed) and was raised by his grandma. He’s lived with her all his life. He became her caretaker at 18 getting paid through the state. He cares for her 24/7 and only gets paid 300 a week.
He claims he can’t get a job, not even night shift because she needs 24/7 care. We went to a gas station in a good area that needed night shift people and he turned it down. Saying it was too far and he’d have to get on the highway everyday…. it’s a 15 min drive. There is always an excuse. And he will not get a home health aide for while he’s at a hypothetical job. Like he just gets ordered around by her all day.
We've been together since we were 18 but have known each other since we were 10. I work 2 jobs and go to school online. We never go on a date or do anything like that, simple things I don’t want super lavish expensive luxury things. Let’s go somewhere to eat fry new food, visit a new city for the weekend.
We can go on dates but it’ll be interrupted by her calling asking where he’s at etc. We can’t travel together because no one else in his family (he’s the youngest of 7) wants to deal with her. I get they have their own lives. But everythinggggggg with her is dumped on him, they hardly come around. She is a nasty lady. I love him but I’m starting to be resentful. I don’t want this to be my life while I am young now. I know I want and need to leave but I feel bad to leave him in this alone but I can’t. She is not my family I’m sorry, if she acted different maybe but like I said. She belittles and demands from him, verbally abusive , thankless. Thoughts?
I want to have a career, I want to travel!!! I don’t want to put it on hold any long or waste any more years. If this was anyone else I would have left but I know him for so long and his family. Maybe friends instead would be better..
You do not need to live this life.
Your needs as an individual are more important than any relationship you will have.
Any relationship you have must fit into your lifestyle. Never put your needs aside to fit into someone else's life.
Id like to say you could continue to support him as a friend, however with your history, it would be difficult to know where to draw the line, and you will still get sucked into his world. Better to keep a little distance between you. At least for now.
You have only put 3 years into this relationship. You can see he is going nowhere as long as grandmom is alive. You will not be #1. You need to be with someone that comes with no baggage. You are realizing this is not what you want. You are outgrowing this relationship. It happens and thats OK. Go with your gut feelings. They won't steer you wrong.
yes literally he is also content getting like $10 an hour
Another thought I’m having is as the boyfriend is apparently being paid through your state’s IHSS I would assume he would need to formally resign from his role with them, rather than just calling APS about a vulnerable adult. I am not sure how that works (maybe someone on this forum familiar with IHSS can advise us) but you may want to look into that for him as a way to assist a struggling person you care about, even if your romantic relationship is not going to continue.
Give him your compassion, stop the sex (women get tied by sex/emotion), and allow yourself to find your future.
If he wants you, he cannot be cleaving to his mommy....But, he's really avoiding adult growth and holding onto what is a habit.
You will be stuck if you marry this "man" and or have children with him.
He is making his choice. Possibly out of "guilt" but that is his choice to make.
If you are living with him...move out. Even if you have to stay with friends if you don't have family to stay with.
Date him if you like if you want to maintain a relationship with him. But you are very young and have the world in front of you.
Here's all I'll say. You're smart. You've good eyes to see what you are looking at.
Adults make their own decisions and adults pay the consequences of those decisions and that's how adults learn.
Some are smart enough to look things in the eye and know when to back away.
Some have to go to tragedy to know it.
Whether you learn the easy-smart way or the tragic way is up to you, and I see you smart enough to make that choice. But this, as an 82 year old who has made some BAD CHOICES early on, I will beg of you. IF you choose to stay with bf? Please don't bring kids into it. Kids suffer so. And I think at the end of your life--where I am now--you may, like me, think that the ways in which you let your kids down were the worst tragedies of your life. Those are the mistakes that, even when understood, one finds hard to forgive oneself.
I wish you the best. I believe you have this. I just beg for good birth control. That's it.
Everything's a learning experience. Just make your prime imperative protecting your future kids.
Best of luck.
If she is assigned a legal guardian, then if she owns the home she's in, BF will need to move out anyway. When the guardian finds a facility for her, they'll move her there whether she wants to or not if that's the level of care she needs.
Your BF most likely won't like this solution because of all the FOG he is in (fear, obligation, guilt), but it is a legitimate solution, and maybe the ONLY solution. He will need to be prepared for other family members to be outraged at his decision, but if they don't like it then they can move in and do the caregiving. He needs to be done asap.
Your BF should NOT accept a partial solution (where he is still responsible for *some* of her care in any way.) No. He needs to move on with his life, and should not feel guilty about this. He can grieve the situation, but he's done yeoman's work up to this point and now it's time to hand it over to someone else.
Please have him read this thread so he doesn't think this is all your opinion. This is the suggestion of people who were or are currently in his shoes. We've been there, done that.
MOVE OUT and report her to APS. Do not go back to the house, do not insert yourself to "help". The more he inserts himself, the longer the solution will take. Then he is choosing it. Sometimes the only soution is the "least bad" option.
I wish him clarity, wisdom, courage and peace in his heart as he moves on.
And, if he doesn't move on, YOU should move on the minute he says no to the solution.
Thanks for responding I know what I need to do… end it