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I live in another country and all family except one sister is scattered far across the country away from our mother who is in a nursing home in Virginia following a stroke. She can barely speak, cannot walk, stand, or toilet herself.
My sister tells me that Mom has been crying and indicating she doesn't want to be left alone at night. She clutched my sister's arm when carers came in to give her a bath. Did not want to be left alone with them. Sister said Mom shows wild eyed terror when one particular carer walks past her door.
Yesterday my son went to visit and Mom basically indicated the same. He gathered that she is terrified to be left alone at night.
She is is a shared room with a curtain between patients.
My son has reported this to the adult protective services hotline. We are currently fighting to get Medicaid for mom so she can stay in the facility as it is the best in the area, regards cleanliness, patient care and stroke therapy. It has the best reviews and best report per the commission which monitors these facilities.
We have also discovered they seem to have stopped Mom's therapy and won't tell us why. Just not sure where to go from here. She is too frail to move to a facility nearer one of the brothers (Indiana and Florida).
We thought if she stayed near her home town then my sister, cousins and church friends could visit her and keep her spirits up. Now we don't know.

Any similar experiences and advice welcome.

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Yes, you need to be her advocate, but don't go in loaded for bear.
When my mom was in respite care she suddenly became very fearful and tried to go home. She told me someone had smacked her. I do believe something happened, but that her perception of the incident might have been a little off, so when I spoke to the DOC that is exactly what I told her.
Explain that your mom has developed a fear of this particular person and ask that contact with her be limited. If there truly is a problem with this aide then they will know what you are implying, if it is a delusion or false perception then you are not falsely accusing anyone.
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UPDATE: I paid for non emergency medical transport for Mom. She was moved on Saturday and woke up on Mother's day in her new bed, room and home. My baby brother and his family are real stars. They built, decorated the room, collected all the medical furniture and equipment needed. Pictures show her grinning ear to ear in both bed and chair. She is fine with 2 or 3 words, but any more she gets all garbled. She gets very excited. We are all encouraging her to try and sing the information she wants to convey. This is how she taught us all to speak. In fact, we all used to converse in operatic style when we were kids. Feeling so relieved now.
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When my mom was first admitted to her NH she told my brother the head admin guy was sexually abusing her and people were stealing from her. Yet nothing was ever missing from her room and now six months later she adores the same admin guy as he heaps compliments on her whenever he sees her. She told my brother and not me because at the time brother still hadn't caught onto moms little tricks and was more likely to believe her - although ever brother knew the accusations were ludicrous. I don't mean to discount the mothers fears here, nor the daughters concern - I'm just saying it can be "normal" for elders in unhappy circumstances and failing health to have difficulity differentiating the truth from their own fears and delusions.
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First off, it is much safer to investigate if there is abuse going on than it is to ignore it and just think that an elderly person is delusional. I actually work in a facility so I can tell you that about 80% of the time there's at least some kind of verbal abuse going on if a patient is more afraid of one caregiver like you mentioned. Perhaps a caregiver does not hit your Elder, but does say demeaning things or shame them when they ask for a care . That is still abuse and it is still very damaging to the patient. I would say that you need to find out what kind of services for adult protection are set up in your country and call them on the phone and explain to them what you suspect and what your elders reaction is to that caregiver. Every single elder deserves to be respected and protected from any kind of verbal or emotional abuse. I have personally caught at caregiver being overly rough during care and saying horrible things to one of her patients and making the patient scared to ask for help even though the caregiver was getting paid to help the person. Not only did I call our state hotline I also reported it to all of the upper management and told the caregiver to leave the patient's room immediately. The caregiver was later fired because there was more than one patient she was abusing. If an elder has dementia they may have a fear of people, as they can't remember who is taking care of them but for the most part if they're afraid of one caregiver, there's a good reason for it. I would definitely not just assume that an elder is delusional when it comes to abuse.
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You can buy buildup drinks which are also made in suitable for diabetic form sometimes they need to be prescribed though or having a replacement meal as well as a meal to boost nutrition. The best way I have noticed used in a lot of care facilities is to reduce the amount of food and increase the number of meals, so instead of 3 decent sized meals a day 6 smaller ones with additions like
nuts, cheese, peanut butter , avocados or dried fruits. Nuts and dried fruits go well in cereals, avocado makes great guacamole that is ok for the elderly if you don't spice it up too much. If you mash it up with lemon juice and serve it with some prawns and a slice of brown bread it would be a great little meal
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Just got a message that Mamma has been doing extra exercises with her paralised right arm and told my brother that she is working it hard. He said they are still giving her on stomach feed per day, but she is eating on her own very well. Says she is nothing but smiles, they get her up out of bed and into chair 2 to 3 times a day. My brother is a very large and strong hoss. He works only 15 minutes from his house so he goes home 4 times a day to move her. She loves having dinner with family and sitting in lounge watching TV with family.
The terrible rash on belly and limbs, she had at the nursing home is starting to clear already. We now think she was sensitive to the detergent they were using. Brother's wife is using only baby detergent and extra rinse on bedding and clothes.
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Well FF in the words of many others better to be safe than sorry. If this woman was telling people there was an issue and her actions belied her words I might agree. But this woman is one of the MOST vulnerable groups in that her communication skills are almost zero and she is demonstrating, in the physical sense, fear. Now regardless of the veracity of this I would, as an NH manager, want to be bloody certain that there wasn't a grain of truth in there...because if there is the repercussions would be far reaching. To know there is a concern and do nothing is reprehensible. To act and find nothing is the gift you pray for. I have been to too many care homes and seen too many issues but never where if a concern IS raised they sit back and do sweet all. They cannot afford to risk the litigation alone let alone the notoriety, their jobs. One would hope they would do it out of concern for the resident - hmmm no comment on that one
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Im agreeing with all the po sters here. When my Mom was in a rehab facility about 6 months ago she was accusing the staff, who were only washing her up, of preparing her and her sheets/bed linen for the undertaker. And I was "in on it". Quite an imagination...sad but true. I stayed with her most of the next few days and that helped to eradicate the problem. Then she was fine. However, I'm sure that some problems of abuse can happen anywhere. I would highly suggest that if you have a parent in any care facility to check, check, check and be alert for any signs of mistreatment. Don't come to visit at the same time. Visit at sporadic times. Good luck and I hope for the best for you.
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Araminta: Call your mom's doctor and tell them what you will need. The mad in turn will call a medical equipment company with the order. Insurance covers all or most of it. It's kind of a rent to own company. The company will then deliver the needed things and set them up for you.
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Mamma loves her new massaging riser/recliner. My brother's daughter trimmed, cleaned (they were not looked after in the nursing home) and polished her finger nails yesterday. They are looking into getting a beautician out in the next week or two to do her hair. I will ask my sister in law to seek a chiropodist for her feet too. She really is living the royal life and we are all pleased as punch.
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