1. I am married with a 9 month old baby.
2. we live 1,000's of miles from my parents who are 87 and 83. My mother has moderate dementia she can not care for self and my dad does it all.
3. while I was pregnant, he moved them 300 miles to her home town none of her family wants to help or visit
4. the childhood home is still there, packed with items and needs weeks of clearing
5. my husband and I thought of moving to the house, then probably not, we need to clean the house
6. my father refuses to discuss any legal or financial matters. We are clueless.
7. I finally went with my husband and baby and it was so taxing for those three days trying to take care of a mother with dementia, and a 8 month old baby. NOTHING got done. now I have to go back alone, with a baby.
8. I had a really hard childhood and it shatters me everytime I go there. I need support, legal, emotional and my husband can't come any more due to work.
Any advice?
your baby and husband take top priority! There are other family members that are selfish, so do NOT feel guilty about this in any way hon! Your hands are full, and you can visit every now and then, but do NOT take on this kind of responsibility, especially because of your childhood. It's going to be a situation where time will make the situation where your Dad can not longer be resistant. He's fighting to remain independent and still take care of his wife. Allow him to find out the hard way, because after all........he's gonna do it anyway. Your a very sweet person, just pray for them and allow God and the situation work things out.
My advice will NOT be liked or popular, but I am going to say it anyway.
Don't Do It.
Do NOT be the default caregiver. Stay where you are with your husband and baby and let someone else in your Mother's family do it.
I am thinking of YOU, your HUSBAND, and most especially your precious BABY.
Please, God forgive me for saying this: I am sick of reading about people like you who suffered in childhood, with parents and extended family who don't have a clue or care about YOUR LIFE, and YOUR RIGHT to enjoy your husband and baby!
This is YOUR time. WHY should you have to pick up the slack for them?!
I am really really sorry to other posters who think I am wrong. If your child was grown and out of the house, my answer would be different. I'm sick of selfish people who won't help, and those in your family who don't care that you have a new baby and a young life to live before you have to take on this responsibility.
This is my heartfelt, adamant opinion.
Have you discussed with your father the possiblity of in-home care? He will probably hate it at first. But just tell him that you are sending someone over for just a few hours a week. The caregiver can help with personal care or do a few errands. He may end up feeling relieved to have the extra hands.
Wuvs is right...you need to secure their Powers of Attorney if you plan on helping them with anything financial or medical. (However, it sounds like Dad has vetoed that, too.) Is there someone who could intervene for you and act as a go-between?
Has he ever asked for your assistance? That is always a good time to introduce other topics for discussion. If not, there is not a lot you can do until things get to the point were you have to include the authorities. Sorry. We have seen so many others in this forum who are in the same boat. Let your Dad know that you are always there for him. Make occasional visits just to monitor your Mom's care and help out as much as Dad will let you.
Btw, your instincts are correct about not moving into their home. You have way too much on your plate right now and it would be esecially taxing because of your childhood issues.
I want to say alot but I am gathering thoughts. Are you here now?