Frankly speaking, once you take in a parent, aren't you in this for life?
I knew my 93 yo mothers time living alone was up in late 2012 when I went to her apt. finding her place a disaster, pills open and strewn everywhere, her wearing 2 pairs of pants and a depends hanging out the back..well, how long will this last? We never got along very well and I harbor a lot of resentment due to her constant interfering in my life for as long as I have been alive and her and my fathers horrendous treatment of each other when I was a child which I guess has haunted me to this day.
She was the youngest of 13, the oldest brother born in 1899..most of her sisters and brothers only lived till their 40s and 50s..2 into their 70s... But 1 sister who was 10 years older than her lived till 99, still living on her own till 5 months before her death. All I think about is I can't do this another 6 years. My husband doesn't want to do this another 6 minutes. Neither we nor her have funds for assisted living. So it will have to be applying for Medicaid and a Nursing home, which will be a kicking and screaming event. And doesn't a dr.have to recommend a nursing home? I can't just say, sorry, I'm sick to the situation , or can I? My husband just went off the wall because she insists you are suppose to put the polident on your teeth, not the gum part of the dentures. She comprehends next to nothing we say and argues everything we say.
Are we in this till the end? Other than her mind being gone her health is pretty good. It's just me and my hub doing this alone. We hope to have 2 weeks of respite care set up in the end of July. It will be the best 2 weeks of our lives.
a midlife divorce forced me to build another home . i can sometimes think years in advance . i know almost for sure that a bit into the future ill have a son and young family living in my home and old dadface will be found hangin out in the basement . that time isnt far off . my som in chicago is quite unhappy with his current living arrangement . his kids live in st pete with their lazy mother . him and i will raise those kids here when their mother falls on her face . thats an inevitability as she lives on delusional pipe dreams with out any gumption to make the dreams become reality ..
whipped, your mother cant argue with herself . let her live her life , mistakes and all and only help her when she needs or asks for your help . if you take too much control from an elder your going to have a fight on your hands that makes raising teens seem tame by comparison .
my two care recievers made similar statements at different times that empowered the hellout of me . one said she felt safe with me because i have a spine , the other simply said she feels safe with me . translated that means that they were in control of their lives , i was only there to make sure no one took that control away from them . theyre old , not stupid ..
As for the old resentments - well, start thinking in terms of forgiving as much as you can and remembering anything they did well, if there is in fact anything. It will be easier to do that once she is not reopening old wounds and pouring salt in them daily, but maybe there is some way to begin to have a perspective on her and her life, other than the failures of her life and relationships with you.
If this is beginning to interfere in your marriage, it would be good to rethink your options.
So think of caring for your mother as a business decision.
Although you both had good intentions, things have changed and you're justified in changing your own plans for your mother's care.
Keep telling yourself, legitimately, that the best care you can provide for her now is one in which she has the care you no longer can provide for her, which would make it easier for you and your husband to continue your lives but still remain civil to her, if she allows that and doesn't destroy the relationship with anger.
Given yours and your husbands feelings toward this situation, if you don't make a change you could be at each other's throats because of the stress. And that will affect your health.
I'm sure this must be a difficult time in your life; step back, do something to clear your heads such as work in the garden, take a walk...let nature help heal your souls. Then make your decision on how to approach transitioning from your total care to care in a facility.
FWIW, we considered taking one of our parents into our home, and were willing to do it, however, the lack of a shower on our main level was the kicker--we would've spent about $20,000 to renovate the powder room to add a handicapped accessiable shower (bumping it into the garage).
I will hold you up in prayers tonight and whenever I can remember. YOU and your spouse are Beautiful People and your fears and trials are not unnoticed by the One who Sees everything.