Last time she asked if I was going to leave her. I feel guilty about her being there all the time, so I feel the need to take her out to eat or go for ice cream and a drive. But I don't want to give her the impression she is going home each time I take her out.
There's nothing you can do to stop her from thinking that she may be going home. If she enjoys your outing in spite of that, then I'd say it's your problem more than it is hers.
Stop feeling guilty. I sometimes feel guilty for having mom at HOME with me. No social activity; no people watching; no Frank Sinatra impersonator; no magic shows; ha! Just same-old same-old day in and day out. She had more stimulation at the nursing home than she does here.
That's the life of a care giver. We're hardly ever guilt-free even when our brains tell us we've done the exact right thing.
When dad was at rehab, I packed picnics and wheeled him around the grounds.
Played dominos, brought treats for him....just tried to make my visits fun.
Sigh. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to these kinds of questions. Try it, carefully, and see the results.
Our mom is wheel-chair bound and needs a PAL to transfer. The only place we've taken her in a van was to her older sister's birthday party. But we push her around the nh neighborhood when weather permits, for a little change of scenery. Last week a sister brought her chow mein (which she loves and which the nh doesn't serve) and they ate together.
Visit. Find ways to give mom something to enjoy. Take her on outings if that works out. Stick close to the facility if you need to. Just do your best.
Feeling guilt? Unless you caused the infirmity that makes a nursing home the best option for her, I'd say save your energy for things that matter.
At the same time, she would refuse to participate in ALF field trips & activities completely. It could only be possible if I was the one coming to get her. She passed up a thousand opportunities to get out & see the world, go places, and do things.
When I first got mom moved here and into her IL/ALF apartment, any typical outing would turn into a whole day, multi-meal event with inevitable conflict. Even a one hour doctor visit.
Even after prep phone calls in the morning, she usually wasn’t dressed, bathed, or ready to go anywhere, because she didn’t feel like doing it (her words). So I’d have to plan in time for that (at least an hour).
This usually coincided with us having to be somewhere on time for an appointment.
By the time we'd get to a store, got out of the car, spent 45 minutes in the nearest bathroom, tested all the scooters to find the right one, navigated through all the things she can't afford/doesn’t need anymore, another 45 minute bathroom visit, a snack, and a million questions, *I* was exhausted, frustrated, burned out, and ready to set myself on fire or chew off an arm to get out of the situation. These were not precious moments spent bonding.
When I laid down boundaries and time limits, she would buck and raise a big old stink about it. About holding her hostage and mistreating her by making her stay in a beautiful new apartment with 3 meals a day and onsite doctor, PT, & salon.
One trip started out going to a hardware store. On the way there, she wanted groceries too, so I decided to hit the super-Walmart (even though I despise Walmart) to get everything at one place.
This little change upset her so much she started ranting, raving, and tried to hit me in the head with her cane while we were going 75 mph down the highway. That was scary. I pulled over, took her cane away, and told her if she tries that again, I will have the police come and assault charges filed. She behaved better for a few hours. This was a sign that she could no longer deal with the change an outing entails.
We don’t do outings anymore. We tried. We tried hard. I couldn’t keep it up and my obligations were slipping. She’s declined to the point now where an outing isn’t possible, which is a blessing.
As an aside, the Depends and Tena companies have probably had lower earnings starting in second quarter 2014 because I am not taking mom out shopping anymore.
Every single trip had to include a stop at a store that carries incontinence products, despite the fact she had them delivered in bulk to her apartment.
When she moved into the NH, we had about a thousand dollars’ worth of incontinence supplies she had stockpiled/hoarded.
I was about 5-7 years too late. Mom's dementia was much farther along than anybody knew (because family had stopped visiting her).
In July, we brought a birthday party to her. Cake, balloons, pretty presents, grandchildren. It was not fun for her or us. We all wondered if that was a good idea at all, and if we should do it again. *sigh* It feels so wrong to stop celebrating the small things in life with or for her. It's not supposed to be this way at all. I suppose the next celebration even will be the holidays. I think we'll do a card and one small present with a short visit. I have to make peace that this is not about me or my feelings of discomfort about not doing xyz anymore.
Enjoy outings if they are possible, on your loved one's terms. Remember it won't last forever. Be ready to change when it's necessary instead of forcing mom/dad to keep up with everybody else or the sentimental idea of what it's supposed to be like. It might happen slowly, it might happen with sudden personality changes. Each person's decline is different.
When she'd start raging, I'd turn up the radio. The louder she got, the louder the radio got. She reached over to turn it off one time, and I had slapped her hand before my brain realized what I did. (Do I have mom reflexes or what!)
I told her this is my car, I'm driving, and I will turn down the radio when she turns her own voice down. You stay quiet and calm, and so does the radio.
Of course, then she just mumbles, grumbles, and curses me under her breath like Kreature the house-elf in Harry Potter.
She threatened to "jump" out of the car at a stop-light one time. That I would have loved to see. I would have taken pictures. This woman took a good 20 minutes to get in or out of the car at that time. She couldn't get her own feet out onto the ground anymore. She couldn't pull herself up, she couldn't stand up out of the car without help. She also could never remember she was underneath a safety belt. So, I just laughed at that one. Ok mom, right.
She was just like a toddler. When she'd get fussy and cranky, I knew she needed a fresh undergarment, a snack, and a nap.
You're getting it right, you know. I'm sorry to say it, because I realise how heart-breaking this must be for you every single time. But you are already getting it right.
When you're back at the MCF, and you sit down together, call for help when you arrive and while you're waiting ask her to tell you about Don and share her memories of him. Bear in mind that they may be rather faulty and distorted memories, so don't worry if you hear something alarming because it may well not be true. But at least this way she will get to relive some highlights, and you'll be able to listen passively rather than trying to reorient her yourself.
Dealing with the implications of this, what it means about who she believes you to be, is even harder. So. You are the person who gives her a lovely outing and takes good care of her. You are the person she can talk to about Don, and who is interested in hearing all about him. That she isn't wondering what has become of her daughter must grieve you terribly; but be comforted that it isn't scaring her.
There is a line in 'Under Milk Wood' - "... she is forgetting she was ever born..." = that always makes me well up. Letting go is hardest of all when the person is still walking and talking, right in front of you; but that is the process you are having to go through and it is extremely painful. Do you have anyone to confide in about how you're feeling?
I can see how difficult it is for your daughter to contribute. My daughter, who adored her granny, struggled with not enough time too - she didn't like making flying visits, but it was very hard for her to get away from work for longer. I'd keep encouraging your daughter to go if possible: short and sweet, with a big cuddly hug at the end, is better than no visit at all.
The niece has a big yellow stripe down her back; but what can you do. She has freaked out and you won't change her mind by feeling angry or disappointed with her.
That doesn't mean you can't privately consider her to be a cowardly ingrate, of course. But let her problem be her problem and not yours.
Find something nice to do for yourself after visits. Favourite music for the car on the way home, or a detour for some special coffee, something like that. Just a little reward to comfort yourself, and acknowledge that although you're doing this because you love and care for your stepmother, you need love and care too.
Can you make friends with people visiting other residents, perhaps?