Her daughters do not take care of her. Been living and caring for a friend for some 10+ yrs. She denies her condition (Alzheimer's). I have no interest in being a caregiver, and her daughters do not take responsibility for her. Have a house of my own, and would like to stay in it, but, if I do, would spend my day going back and forth to her house, 3 miles away.
She has no clue what day/month/year it is, she asks the same questions 50x or more a day, she does not know when to take meds, she cannot take care of any bills or documents, etc., and, cannot live alone.
I do not wish to have power of attorney to take care of her matters. Have talked to her older daughter about the situation several times, but, nothing is ever done about the issue.
What can I do to make sure she is taken care of, and for me to press on and have a life of my own?
gladimhere, Maggiemarshall and the rest have it down as do many others. You have done much more than even a good friend should have to do, particularly since there is family. I'd let them know that you are giving them one month to set up care for their mother. You can suggest that they contact the local agency on aging. If they don't, tell them you are calling adult protective services and then do it. Once you have done that, say goodbye.
You deserve a life of your own. Please do not accept any guilt from these people. You've helped your friend at your own emotional and financial expense all of these years. Now, it's time for them to step up to the plate. If they don't, the authorities will have to handle it.
Start planning your own life. Help with the transition in any way that you can but only for one month. Then, you are gone.
You are remarkable! Please keep us posted about how you survive this.
Carol
"you're not staying until the end?" and things fell apart: I continued packing and my father wound up in rehab and mother kept firing the 2 awesome caregivers I found who finally left because of her behavior and one day I just said " I can't take it anymore, I'm leaving" and they have to figure things out. If it hadn't been for caring friends who were supportive, I probably would have stayed "til the end" and woke up, much older and wondering what I was supposed to do next.
No other job is 24/7 and even if you take the odd couple of hours for errands or a movie- family resent you for wanting to leave while they go on vacations and live their lives. There is no easy answer because in the long run, nothing is ever fair when families are involved.
I don't think you need to give so much notice that they don't take it seriously; you could say something to the effect that you are no longer able to provide any kind of care and they should make arrangements ASAP, but no later than, say August 31, 2015, or ever earlier if you think you can move by then. State also that you need to know what arrangements they have made by, say 2 weeks before the deadline or you'll reluctantly be forced to involve APS to ensure that your friend receives continued care.
I also wouldn't provide any explanation for terminating your involvement other than you cannot do it anymore. If you explain as you did here, that gives them a chance to attack you verbally, or turn the blame to you. So don't go into the reasons why you need to get out of this situation.
I.d., don't give them a chance to cop out and turn the responsibility back to you, or blame you for anything.
If you give them too much time, they might not take you seriously.
If you mean the doctor who cautioned you about your own health, no, I don't see why he needs to be involved. I think that would suggest that you're buttressing your position with medical advice, which you don't need to do. Ten years + is enough.
I'm not sure either what role the attorney could play, although I get the impression that you still feel the need to justify your departure. You don't. To do so puts you in a position of explaining and justifying, which might make you seem weak and somewhat ambiguous about leaving.
I've never been in a similar situation, so I obviously can't put myself in your shoes, but keep remembering that you have a life, you've sacrificed for 10 years, and it's time that the daughters step up to the plate and take responsibility, or make some arrangements so their mother is cared for.
I agree with Gladimhere above, give the daughters 2 weeks notice that you will no longer be available to help out. Contact all of the daughters, both by phone and by certified mail, so no communication is lost.
Hope everything works out for the best.
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