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My mom has a sister, 89, who died of heart failure this past week. My Dad doesn't want me to tell her that her sister has died because he thinks it'll make her Alzheimer's worse! I think she should know. What should I do?
Evansgram, my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family for the passing of your Mom's sister.
It depends on how far your Mom is into her Alzheimer's. Does she forget things minutes later after being told something. If Mom's memory is still fairly good, go ahead an tell her her sister had passed. Let Mom grieve. Don't be surprise if she may want to attend the funeral, depending how far away it is. If it will be a long trip, I wouldn't suggest it. Tell her the weather is too bad to travel.
Whether the news would make her Alzheimer's worse, that's is so hard to tell, as such memory gets worse anyway.
Later down the road, if your Mom asked later where is her sister, then it is time to use "therapeutic fibs" like saying 'oh she is real busy she will call you later in the week'. As we know, with Alzheimer's, one's memory is so very short and information is forgotten.
How bad is her Alzheimer's? Does she even remember who she is and who others are? If she is at that point, I don't think I would tell her.
I don't think that telling her would make her diseased worse, but it may be harder for her to process it and thus highly upset her because she can't put it all together in her head.
That's a highly personal decision. I can share with you that I no longer tell my Mom that her parents and brother (her only sibling) are dead.
My mom has Alzheimer's and constantly forgets so she often asks where her brother and parents are and if they are OK? I used to tell her they passed away. Sometimes then she would remember and cry or she would say God forbid and give such a sad look.
Now I just say don't worry Mom trust in God, I'm sure everyone is in God's hands and just fine. My mom was and is religious (and me too) so this comforts her. Even if you're not religious maybe you can find a comforting comment that is not a lie but gives your mother peace rather than stress. Stress can be very damaging.
If you tell your Mom and she forgets later as is likely in Alzheimer's disease what will you do? Remind her daily and make her relive that sorrow? I'm not sure how forgetful your Mom is and your specific situation but we've struggled with that too. Sorry for your loss and your situation. I hope this helps
My mom's sister (my godmother) did pass away 3 years before my mother & I did tell my mother in person. My mom's dementia was beginning to get worse,but at the time she was so-so. She was very quiet for a few minutes and then cried alittle. It was very sad but I felt she needed to know as they were close.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It depends on how far your Mom is into her Alzheimer's. Does she forget things minutes later after being told something. If Mom's memory is still fairly good, go ahead an tell her her sister had passed. Let Mom grieve. Don't be surprise if she may want to attend the funeral, depending how far away it is. If it will be a long trip, I wouldn't suggest it. Tell her the weather is too bad to travel.
Whether the news would make her Alzheimer's worse, that's is so hard to tell, as such memory gets worse anyway.
Later down the road, if your Mom asked later where is her sister, then it is time to use "therapeutic fibs" like saying 'oh she is real busy she will call you later in the week'. As we know, with Alzheimer's, one's memory is so very short and information is forgotten.
I don't think that telling her would make her diseased worse, but it may be harder for her to process it and thus highly upset her because she can't put it all together in her head.
My mom has Alzheimer's and constantly forgets so she often asks where her brother and parents are and if they are OK? I used to tell her they passed away. Sometimes then she would remember and cry or she would say God forbid and give such a sad look.
Now I just say don't worry Mom trust in God, I'm sure everyone is in God's hands and just fine. My mom was and is religious (and me too) so this comforts her. Even if you're not religious maybe you can find a comforting comment that is not a lie but gives your mother peace rather than stress. Stress can be very damaging.
If you tell your Mom and she forgets later as is likely in Alzheimer's disease what will you do? Remind her daily and make her relive that sorrow? I'm not sure how forgetful your Mom is and your specific situation but we've struggled with that too. Sorry for your loss and your situation. I hope this helps
Will your mother miss this sister? If you don't happen to mention her, does her name ever come up?
Then there's the funeral. Has anyone given that any thought?