We went out of town to bury her husband, and now that we are packing to go back, she has suddenly become suspicious that I'm leaving her behind, shipping her off, or "placing her in a sanitarium". The actual plan is that once we get back to town, she will be going to a wonderful place that specializes in memory care...and I have a feeling it's going to be ugly. Trying to stay positive, and I have a long time family member who's actually going with her so there is a familiar face, but now I feel guilty about placing her in that position....my Mom might get really nasty.....I feel bad for my mom too, but honestly there is a part of me that feels resentful that she only cares about herself. She's been kind of self absorbed for years, so it's not entirely the dementia, I just hate being in this position. I don't like being the bad guy, I wish I could make everyone happy, I am a complete wimp when it comes to confrontation. How does she know??? She can sometimes be so clueless and unobservant, why is she sensing it now?
Freqflyer, it sounds like you have things well organized. Today I discussed changing up the days Mom has outside caregivers, or eliminating one all together, since she seems fixated on the gym outings right now.
Here is her week:
Monday I take her to the gym for weight training
Tuesday the caregiver takes her to play cribbage at senior center
Wednesday she's on her "own" with lots of memory care activities
Thursday the caregiver takes her to gym for weight training
Friday I bring my iPad so mom can face time her therapist
Saturday the caregiver attempts to engage Mom (I might cancel this day)
Sunday I usually take mom to the park for a walk
And, under no circumstances am I bringing her for a visit to the home because I'm sure that would end poorly.
It seems like a lot, but she is only just turned 77 and quite healthy & active physically.
Moving my Dad to Independent Living last January was his idea as he was tired of trying to maintain his house. He was able to bring along a couple of his favorite caregivers who I scheduled from 7 to 1p, so they could get him ready for the day and make him breakfast and lunch. I wanted to keep that routine going.
Then Dad needed 24/7 care, so I had to increase the caregivers hours. Yikes that was expensive. So Dad was happy to move to Memory Care because of all the money he would save. I was able to put into Dad's budget two of his favorite caregivers from 9 to 1p. He's happy as a clam there, until his sundowning shows up. But it is mainly him calling me, he still thinks he is working, going to meetings, and riding the bus to and from work, staying at a hotel [his Memory Care room] which tells me his mind is back in the 1940's during the sundowning.
Except for doctor appointments, I decided not to bring Dad back to my house [he never lived there] for holidays or meals. And Dad never asked to visit. I had noticed when the caregiver took Dad to doctor appointments then to Burger King [which Dad loves] that he is more confused later in the afternoon.
I think you are right about her being in Memory Care. Her lashing out, getting loud, aggressive, as they have observed, could very likely occur no matter where she were living....even with you. And, as she progresses, she might likely ask to go home, EVEN no matter where she was living, because it may not mean, what you think it means. So, I wouldn't get distracted with that or feel bad.
Keeping people who have dementia happy and content is not always feasible. I'm very fortunate that my cousin is that most of the time, based on what I have seen. She does get cross and speak her mind with other residents, if their behavior bothers her, according to what I am told by the MC staff. I never see that side of her.
I'm not sure I would expect her to understand, process or accept things, since, she may forget it if she did do that. My cousin is quite content, not because of accepting, but, because of her belief that she now lives in a lovely apartment with great amenities.
Mom has been nothing but nice to me, other then telling me today that I looked pudgy and asking if I was expecting another baby! UGH!
She has been asking about moving back in with me, and I usually try to avoid the subject if I can. Telling her its memory therapy prescribed by the doctor usually gets me the response of "BS" so the last time she brought it up, how living with me would be better then the "jail" I told her that it really wouldn't be any better....she can't just leave and go do what she wants. Her therapist has been working a lot on that concept with her too, and I believe it's a really hard thing for Mom to accept, if ever.
One thing is for sure, her NOT living in my home has made me a much better person when I am with her, I'm not panicking anymore, my appetite is back to its normal ravenous level, and I am able to enjoy Mom most of the time.
She called a couple nights ago, sobbing and begging to come live with me, which was heartbreaking--but I know it would be a mistake.
My mom is a hard case and frankly I'm concerned about the caregiver leaving especially after the meeting with the facility yesterday - they are giving my mom 1week on increased meds or they will 5051 her -
Agency did ask me what I wanted to do and I said she has to check in with you now on a landline - they won't charge me for the 1 1/2 hours she was late -she's young and has 2 little ones and so I will give her another chance because she is good with my mom. I asked the night nurse tonight if she's ever noticed her exceedingly late before and she said no so hope it was an isolated incidence so now we trust but verify
May I ask how many hours a day you are providing your mom with personal caregivers ?
I learned a couple of days ago that my mom's favorite caregiver - she doesn't like anyone but relatives - who has been with her for 7 months has been cheating on her time card since she is not an employee of the facility but of the outside agency I use - since my mom's situation is now quite tense since she eloped last week I need this caregiver and have decided to keep her but told the agency they will need to verify she's there - new rules she calls from a landline to clock in and out -
At some point I will confront her and let her know that she lost much more than she gained by cheating
Continue to keep us posted on your moms transition
I know he thought to himself, "what the ???"
So I knocked on the door, Mom saw it was me, and the first thing she did was stomp her feet and throw her fists down by her side, through gritted teeth she exclaimed, "I hate this place!"
UGH
I distracted her with a letter from a friend, which made her cry big alligator tears, and she talked a little bit about wanting to come live with me, and I gave her the drill about the memory therapy and doctor's orders and getting the best medical care possible. She went at it again, and I reminded her how boring it was at my house, and then I distracted her again by suggesting we play pingpong. Then the caregivers arrived and I left...supposedly her mood improved.
Tomorrow she has no visitors, Thursday the new caregiver is on her own....ACK!
#1 Mom hated the other AL they lived in, she associated that move with her loss of independence, loss of her home of 20 years, loss of driving etc. the building was also dark, kind of gloomy, and the majority of the residents had mobility issues. With The move into this memory care, she didn't really lose as much except living with me, but that was brand new to her, and honestly, I know she was bored in my home. Additionally, this memory care is a beautiful building with large windows, high ceilings and bright halls and rooms. There are just as many people without walkers as there are people with walkers.
#2. Mom is a higher functioning dementia patient, even though they rate her somewhere between moderate to severe, she has no issues with speech, mobility, or social settings. (At least not super obvious ones). Her inclination to say inappropriate things (like pointing out how heavy an obese person is) has always been part of her personality. I have been told patients do much better if they move in while they still have some cognitive abilities.
she used to refer to the first AL as the penitentiary, she tried calling this one the jail, and I pointed out to her how untrue that was, she was going out several times a week to do the things she enjoys, and she agreed.
Mimi's Cafe ? Are you in California ?
Gladimhere
Mom eloped from her facilty mid- morning Wednesday following an altercation with another resident - she's nearly 93 and wants to be left alone with exception of folks of her choosing - many of the residents are much younger with disturbing behavior - anyone comes over and bugs her or touches her walker it's not pretty - she was asked to leave the activity room so she went outside - front yard is fenced with a delayed alarm with a sign that says gate will open after 30 seconds which it did
- unfortunately she made it into the street and put up quite a fight when they brought her back inside - it could have turned out much worst but it was pretty bad
I have a meeting with management on Monday - not sure what they will say but I agreed under duress to increase her meds during the day - today was a bad day for her being so sedated and heard from my private caregiver tonight that she is getting sick and the facility was in process of moving a new roommate in with her at 8:00 pm - feel like the kid holding his finger in the wall to hold the water back
Msmadge. Eloped while you had her out? Or from where she is living? I cannot imagine how frightening! Happy she is ok.
My mom and I went out again today, took a group fitness class that beat our butts and then we went to lunch at Mimi's Cafe. Conversation at lunch was quite delightful (especially for Mom) and when I took her back she was fine. She thanked me numerous times for being such a good daughter and taking her out for some fun. Tomorrow she has her first day with no visitors or outings since last weekend, and then I see her again on Monday to take her to the gym.
So far so good, before you know it she will have been at memory care for a full month!
Keep us posted
My mom "eloped" on Wednesday so we may be done with outings - heartbreaking since she loves to get out
How did the first outing go to the gym? Any reluctance to return to the facility ?