Think the ALF wants to kick parents out, but just cannot immerse in dynamics
Both parents have been in an ALF for three months. Both have COPD. Dad also has CHF. Both have dementia at varying degrees. My sister and I had not spoken much in six years prior to parents moving. Family dynamics have been challenging for me as my sister is our parent’s dear golden child and they revolve around her. Whatever I do gets criticized and diminished.
During the last conversation I had with my sister, she called me useless. She also berated my husband for not getting involved with anything. I had purposely kept him out and away from what I felt were toxic dynamics. She also raged at me telling me she did not need me for anything. Upon hearing that, I told her I was out, and she could handle it alone.
I cannot involve myself in what I find personally abusive. I have felt so much better, calmer and clear ever since.
I found out a few weeks ago my sister hired a lawyer to meet at the ALF and my parents revised their POA to be her. Prior to that it was both of us, so my name was removed. They also revised their estate plan. It seems suspicious to me that I may have been pushed out.
With all this going on, the Executive Director at the ALF called me yesterday saying my parents had been drinking wine every day in their room and leaving glasses all over which was a mess to clean up. She also said they have had some falls and my mom had been throwing up occasionally. She said with all the medications they are taking, their alcohol had to be taken away from them. It is literally the only comfort they have. I began to disagree with her, saying both have neuropathy and are high fall risks. Also side effects on mom’s meds include nausea. She had no details of the meds they are on and not much to back up her claims. It seemed she did not even know my parent’s condition. She was abrupt and accusatory.
I was going to address it further, but instead redirected her to talk to my sister since she is POA. I figured my sister needs to own this, and the resulting follow up. I do not need the stress of her criticism of anything I may do. With the aggression of this Executive Director, I think they might be pushing an agenda and it might get ugly.
My question is, do I need to involve myself in this? Can I let my sister deal with it? I hate to see this ALF miss-manage my parents, but this seems to be a never ending story I just cannot sustain. Thank you.
Dump all the drama in her lap, since she raged/insisted on it.
I'd tell the snotty Executive Director to talk to your Sister. Complain to HER, not you. YOU ARE NO LONGER POA.
I would turn and run for my life. Let the chips fall where they may.
Golden Sister gets stuck with 100% of it. Let her learn the hard way.
If you are supplying any booze , stop . ( I’m guessing you were supplying which is why you got a phone call about it ) .
The ALF is not mismanaging in regards to the drinking . People with dementia do not have the capacity to drink responsibly . There are non alcoholic wines now , maybe they won’t know the difference .
But in all fairness, the ED is right. They can't have residents drinking an excessive amount of wine every day, falling and vomiting, and not address the problem with the family! I'm surprised you're okay with this, honestly. Mixing booze with meds is NEVER a wise plan in the first place. Drinking one glass of wine is reasonable, as my parents occasionally did, but anything more than that is a recipe for disaster. They both had neuropathy too, and mom fell ALL the time, so had she been a drinker, she'd have been asked to leave her AL for falling too much! You don't know why mom is vomiting.....its not necessarily the meds making her nauseous but too much wine that's doing it! I hope your sister properly addresses this "comfort" your folks are using to cope with their ailments, and that it's no longer available to them. If they're moved to a new AL and continue drinking to excess, your sister will likely face the same situation there.
I hope your parents are able to function w/o wine now. Please have your sister speak to their doctor about all of this and possibly prescribe antidepressants to help them.
Best of luck to you.