I go to my father's assisted living place and as I get to his apartment an aide passed by who I only have seen occasionally in the last several months. I say hello and they say hello. I go into my father's apartment My father looks good, much better than last week. On his dresser is a magnificent bouquet of flowers that my brother and sister-in-law brought over earlier. I marvel at that and sit down and we start talking, like usual
About 5 minutes later there is a knock on the door. It's the same aide I said hello to. They come in and say "I want to see the flowers!". And so they marvel at them, just like most people would and then we engage in pleasant small talk. This goes on for a few minutes then they leave.
I didn't think anything about this incident until I left when it crossed my mind that the aide knew I had just got there. Why did they interrupt minutes later with something that wasn't at all health related? Typically they only come in to dispense medication, do a treatment or to clean the room. They also do engage in conversation when they do those things.
Could this have been a pretext to see how I was interacting with my father? Do aides watch for this kind of thing?
My in laws aide, for example, used to go into her room by herself when any of us came over. Now she doesn’t remove herself or her niece from the sitting room meaning conversations within the family have to be arranged around her.
It is - in a good way. I just want to know if it's not unusual for aides to check in with residents if residents are having visitor(s) who the aides do not know.
Understanding why things really happened and people's motivations are something I believe everyone should strive to know. The world would be a far better place if that was the case.
Its not the staffs responsibility to oversee the lives of residents. The only time they may get involved is if a visitor tends to upset a resident. The resident can ask that the person not be allowed in. Or, make the family aware of it so they have the ability to ban the person. But, I don't really think if a family member asked for a staff member to spy on a resident they are obligated to do that or should. I just think its Lisa making a mountain out of a molehill.
Possibly, they see you and come by to check that all is OK. If brother has spread untrue, or true things about you and the aides feel they need to check on the situation, coming in to say hi or look at the flowers would be an easy excuse to make sure nothing is happening.
I think you are struggling with victim-hood. Probably as a result of a long lifetime of feeling 'less than'.
Talking about how someone 'tried' to hit you in a crosswalk--just kind of made me feel you think of yourself as a victim. Probably the driver didn't even notice you.
I'm sorry you seem so picked on. I have some relatives who don't care for me, and as much as I can, I avoid them and we're all happier.
Your hyper-focus on what you're perceiving as slights and hurts is waaaay off base.
I hope you can get some help for this trait. You obviously love your dad, but dislike pretty much everyone else. And seeing possible personal attacks where there is no intention of such--it's unhealthy and you'll never achieve peace in your life if yout think everyone is out to get you.
My other thought is maybe the aide is being friendly kissing up for a Christmas tip . Far fetched though.
Any way so what ??? Some staff try to be friendly and say hello to family and others leave you be to visit and their isn’t always a reason , it’s just what they feel is appropriate .
I agree please find something else to worry about. For your own good , Stop over analyzing someone’s actions. I’m sure most people have better things to do than figure out a way to slight you . People who walk around with a chip on their shoulders can also make themselves a target for rudeness. Pay more attention to what you are doing and don’t pay attention to what others do.
Thank you for the good laugh. I would never do that though. I had pictured myself not saying anything and simply leaving. That won't happen this year. My brother and his family have what they need now. They might use words and actions to belittle me but that's fine. I won't say much. I just want my father to be happy and he will be.
"Maybe the aide wanted to see the flowers although I have my doubts because it's not like they are visible from a closed door."
Obviously the aide knew there was a bouquet of flowers in the room. They may have seen them as they were being delivered or someone may have told them. Still, to me it's unusual to come in the room to see them only 5 minutes after I arrived. The know that family time is important and private.
Fun for Thanksgiving!
In that spirit, a story of how my beloved brother, 7 years my senior, used mashed potatoes in our youth to torment me.
You know.........that thing where you take a huge mouthful, then wait until no one is looking, open your mouth wide at your little sister, and kind of move the potatoes about in as sickening a manner as you can manage?
Of course, the said little sister (me) will shriek and scream, and the brother will quickly close his mouth and look "all innocent".
The parents will tell both to behave.
Thanksgiving dinner will commence.
You might try my big bro's antics, Lisa. You know, the mouth full of potato at the SIL. And when she says "LISA!" you just look all innocent and say "No, I did NOT do such a thing! I would NEVER do such a thing! How can you even COME UP with such a thing!?! I know you are tired from making such a big dinner, but golly.....".
This is kind of off subject, but I kind of wanted to be number 30 response to the flower question. Have a fun Thanksgiving, Lisa.
The sweet nurse mentioned how the flowers brightened what is a depressing sad place and the medical staff would stop by to smell them.
The aide probably did the same and probably did not mean to offend you if you felt offended; many ALs and NHs can be depressing places. Flowers and/or animals can be a day and mood brightener for many.
Decades from now aides will be talking about this infamous flower arrangement and how it was the catalyst to world peace, an end to hunger, and even cured cancer.
I'm not used to that kind of environment. I thought I was a caring person. Many of the aides are on a whole other level of caring. Like angles from heaven. But to come in the room right after I got there, my precious family time, and the aide just wants to see an impressive bouquet of flowers? To me that's not normal. It could be that that's the way the aide is. When it happened I nor my father were bothered by it at all.
Do yourself a favor and everybody else and don’t go to your brother’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. You will be miserable.
Why ruin your holiday? Make other plans for the day. Your dad doesn’t need to be in the middle of his kids squabbling. You don’t need the stress.
You are a likable, personable human being. I’m sure your visits were appreciated by the patient and their family members. I loved when the hospital staff dropped in on my family members.
You spent the majority of your life caring for others. I hope you are enjoying your retirement. You have earned it!
No. I was crossing at the crosswalk. As I started across the car was making a right turn drove towards me at high speed. I quickly got out of the way and when I made it to the sidewalk on the other side I looked over at the car but I could only see from the rear before it sped off. That won't ever happen again. I'm changing my route so I don't have to cross that street anymore.
You are hyper focused on what you want to say. You desperately need to improve your listening skills.
I seriously doubt that anyone wishes you any harm. We do find it frustrating that you have a one track mind.
You don’t want to address anything in our posts that you feel is critical of your behavior. Surely, you must be aware that there is constructive criticism that is meant to help you.
It isn’t a failure to say that you have some growing to do in certain areas. Or that you don’t understand something but you are willing to take another look at it.
No one is taking any delight in attacking you. There is no need to be so defensive. Our only intention is to help you see what you are clearly not seeing.
Making an appointment with a qualified professional licensed therapist, not some life coach who has no real experience or training, would serve you better than an online forum.
Make sure that you stick around for more than a couple of sessions. You have a tendency to think that you know everything better than anyone else.
Give therapy a real shot at working for you. You get back what you put in. So put in the effort to see a change in yourself. When others see the change and it will take time to rebuild trust, then you have made progress.
Because they love my father and could not not invite me without then having a major problem with my father. Me and my father have always had a good relationship. The fact that I moved far to be here and then they don't invite me would be extremely hard on my father. Growing up I never ever imagined my adult relationships would be like this.
Stop making so many assumptions and accusations against other people.
I don’t doubt for one moment that you love your father. I’m sure that everyone believes that you care deeply about your father.
Love also means that you accept others as they are.
Just a reminder that if you ask a question you will hear different opinions. They may not be what you expect or what you would like to hear. They will be honest opinions.
I was fortunate to have a wonderfully wise mother in law. One thing she told me early on is our relationship was, “I am always here for you. You are part of our family. You are the daughter that I never had. I will never interfere in your life with my son. If you ask my opinion on something I will tell you what I think, so if you don’t want to really know what I think, then don’t bother to ask for my opinions.”
I adored her. I listened to her views about many things. I respected her and learned from her wisdom. She raised an incredible man that I am proud to call my husband. He has always shown love and respect to me, our children and others.
It would serve you well to listen to other viewpoints.
I hope that you will find peace in your life. You have so much to be thankful for. Your dad is being cared for by a wonderful staff in a lovely facility. You have a job and a place to live.
This is a beautiful time of year to be grateful. Thanksgiving is right around the corner.
Do whatever you can to learn to hit a reset button. Stop looking for trouble where there isn’t any because people who look for trouble usually find it.
Stop assuming that you know what people are thinking and that they have ulterior motives. Let them be who they are. Live and let live and you will find joy.
Have a wonderful thanksgiving with your family!
Do you ever give the knit-picking and nonsense a rest? Try to find something worthwhile to do with your time because clearly you have way too much of it. The CNA's at the AL couldn't care less when you visit your father or how it goes. They were trying to be friendly when they complimented the flowers. If I was an aide in that facility, I'd go on a break when you show up.
There is no pretext to see how you interact with your father. The aides are not spying on you and reporting back to your brother about how your visit is going. Care facility aides have a very hard job to get done. No one cares about how your visit with your father goes.
Please do yourself a favor and get some mental health help. You really need some.
I can’t imagine workers worrying about visiting family members.
Especially, since the staff is busy with important work to do throughout their day.
I only met this aide that day. I do know occasionally aides or employees (like a manager) of the facility will stop in and just say hello. But the not normal part in this situation is not that they came in but that they knew that I had just arrived and they came in wanting to see the bouquet of flowers, not to give medicine or clean the room. They could have waited a bit or waited until I left.
It’s not that big of a deal. If this is your only concern then consider yourself a very fortunate person. Life is good, right? Your dad is receiving excellent care from the staff.
We get that you find her behavior odd. This person happens to be very friendly. Isn’t that better than being a grumpy person?
Unfortunately, this is a forum with people who always wants to help and you have figured that out, why not give us a break?
Get the mental help that you need, for you, so that you can begin living a life with a normal mindset, you will find that to be a blessing.
We cannot help you, we've tried, however, your issues are way beyond our set skills.
Believe me, we all want you to get better, however, you are the only person who can do this.
Show your gratitude to the aide who admired your dad’s flowers. Surprise her with an autumn bouquet of flowers for herself. You already know that she loves flowers. It would make her day!
The next time you post something you could say how thrilled the aide was to receive flowers from you. It doesn’t have to be as elaborate as the arrangement in your father’s room.
Thanksgiving is the perfect time to express your gratitude.
I am sad that such a thought could enter your head.
What happened to your solemn promise to us not to write to us about Dad's problems anymore?
Is that over?
What are your plans for the Holiday?
Because I am still new to all this. To me it IS out of normal behavior to knock on the door 5 minutes after you know that a family member just arrived, and for the purpose of getting a look at a bouquet of flowers. If they were coming in with medicine that would make sense. If wanted to clean the room that would make sense. Maybe this aide is just that way. They wanted to see the bouquet and spread good cheer with me and my father. That's what I thought and felt originally.
It is fine for you to feel as you do. Perhaps you would feel awkward entering a resident’s room to see flowers. Keep in mind that these weren’t an ordinary bouquet of flowers. They were a work of art.
We share this world with many different people. We don’t all have to share the same way of doing things as each other. Accept that she stopped in your father’s room to view the lovely flowers.
Look at it this way. By allowing her to see the floral arrangement, you put a smile on her face, right? Isn’t that a good thing?
I don’t see any reason why you need to question this. She obviously has an appreciation for lovely flowers and admired them for a few moments.
She wasn’t barging into your father’s room with ulterior motives or overstaying her welcome.
She’s busy with lots of other responsibilities. Her small talk about the flowers was a tiny break in her day.
Lisa, you really should see a professional about your autistic ruminations. They could help provide more tools.
"When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem is a nail."
Brilliant!
Sigh, yes you are.
Maybe this aide really cares about your dad and wanted to make sure you weren't harassing the poor old man 😁
The aides in moms AL and in her MC loved her. They'd visit all the time, even after their shift was over, just to chat. There is nothing weird or suspicious about an aide wanting to see a huge bouquet of flowers imo. It's not often a resident receives such an extravagant gift.
They're not robots, but human beings who often grow fond of the residents they care for.
If you aren't bothered by it, why post asking about a "pretext"?