Mom is 92 and has not known who I am for 7 years. She lived 300 miles away with my sister until 2 years ago when she went into Memory Care. Now, she is being put in Hospice and the doctor says up to 6 months.. or sooner. I have not seen her for 4 years. She got nasty at times the last time I went to visit so I have stayed away. My sister confirms that Mom doesn't know anyone. She can't feed herself or care for herself in any way. If she knows there is medicine in her mushed up food, she spits it out.
I do NOT want to see her this way. My sister says that she doesn't want to see her this way and my brother will not go see her alone. She is not our mother anymore.
I suffer from PTSD and am 100% disabled because of it. I don't want to see her. I am so afraid that if I don't go I will hate myself for the rest of my life.
The doctors agree that she doesn't know what is going on.
I comfortably visited my mom every single day for over 5 years before she died.
On the night That I was fairly sure she’d be dying, I asked that I not be notified until the next morning.
One of the social workers in her facility tried enthusiastically to make me feel guilty about my decision, but was unsuccessful. I knew my mother, and loved her dearly. I knew that she would not have cared either way if I were or were not with her at “the moment”.
I often think fondly of her and remember her at her best. I never, to this day, feel guilty about any aspect of our relationship.
You can tell her right now, right where you are, that you love her and hope that her passing will be sweet and smooth and peaceful. Do that. You have no reason to hate yourself, nor think you might hate yourself.
You said "I don't want to see her". There you go. Please don't go. If you need therapy to come to terms with this, do it. Otherwise, make your decision with 100% certainty that you are choosing what you want, it is a valid choice, and it is OK.
I hope that you will not grieve the loss of your mother with self blame and self condemnation. To think that you could be perfect is somewhat hubris, if you know what I mean. You have a disability. You are not God. And you are harming NO ONE by not going. Not everything in life has a pretty answer somewhere all tied up with a bow. Some things just are what they are. We are human beings with limitations, and we are doing the best we can.
I hope you are in therapy so that you will be able to comb out the ways in which some of your habitual thinking is doing you harm. There can be nothing you could have done to deserve this pain; You are struggling with your feelings of obligation. BAD people DO NOT STRUGGLE with these feelings; they have no empathy.
Please try to be a bit easier on yourself. I know you will have been told these things by others, but it is on you whether you embrace them and move forward or not. I wish you so much the best. My heart goes out to you.
Be at peace.