Hi all, my father passed away in January after 5 months of in home hospice. My mother has short term memory loss.
The first few weeks after my father's death she was quite stoic and would say that it is ok, he was 90 and lived a good life.
But suddenly she is asking what happened to him, where he is, if he is coming back...and says "why didn't anyone tell me?"...
It's frustrating and painful to me to have to explain repeatedly to her, plus she accuses me of withholding the information.
My dog, brother and father all died within 5 months...I just need some down time...and this isn't helping.
Any suggestions on how to address this?
Thank you!
I'm sorry you are going through this as well, I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced this can understand it...
Thanks for sharing, {{{hugs}}}
”I haven’t heard from ( person’s name) in a while. I’ll try to contact (——) when I get home.”
”We thought (———-) had told you”.
”They (unspecified) said they thought you knew”.
“He had an appointment”. “He went to check on Uncle ....”
Plausible, non specific, open ended, comforting.
Please don’t put yourself through “explaining” to her. That’s not fair to you. If she “accuses” you of anything, her accusations shouldn’t impact on you, since they come from her partial comprehension of information that is too complex for her to really interpret correctly. Know when this happens that the comments toward you come from her confusion.
So painful for all concerned, but part of the tragedy of dementia for many of us.
Kudos to you for being both your mom's and dad's caregiver. I know that had to have been exhausting and I can't imagine the effect all your recent losses have had on you. I hope you're able to find a way to get the down time that you surely must need. If either your dad or mom was a veteran, the VA may be able to provide some assistance and Medicare also provides a few days of respite care to give caregivers some rest. Best wishes.
Thank you for your kind reply. This forum is such a wonderful source of knowledge and support. No one can imagine what it is like to be a caregiver until you are actually doing the job.
Well, so much for getting a gravestone/memorial for my father. I was thinking if we had one then I could bring my mother regularly to visit and it would help, but most likely it wouldn't really help. My mum's reality seems to slip in and out. There are times where she is lucid and then days where she is lost. For a few weeks she understood perfectly my father was gone, and now suddenly that knowledge was lost. I suppose this is not unusual. In any case, I will attempt to "live in her reality". I guess there is no choice at this point.
Thank you for your kind words about caregiving, yes, it's been a really tough time caring for them. We kept my father home and he died peacefully in his bed surrounded by his family and somehow it made the bad times all worth it in the end. But the loss of my brother was unexpected (my only sibling) and I feel I haven't had time to grieve for him because I've been focused on my parents.
It is so generous of you to share your time and experience with others. It's only after joining this forum that I realised many others are going through the same. Thank you.
Here is a link to an article on the subject:
https://www.samvednacare.com/blog/2017/06/06/what-to-tell-a-loved-one-with-dementia-about-their-friends-and-family-who-have-passed-away/
If you Google "What to tell a loved one with dementia when their spouse died" you will get a variety of pages to come up, each with useful information. You may be able to glean a few tidbits from each one to help you chart out a plan for yourself to deal with your mom.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer that you both can heal from such a huge loss.
The hospice nurse warned me that she could go soon after my father and I was dubious. But now I see how lost she is without him, how intertwined they were (60 years of marriage) and I wonder what fate will bring.
Thank you for the article and the tip to google - there is much written about this so I'm off to do some research.
Thank you so much for your kind support...
Also, my MIL with short term memory loss also forgets her husband died and we have to remind her. We tell her the truth of when he died, and that we did tell her. Then we redirect the conversation to something else so she doesn't get mired in it. You could put a picture of your father in a prominent place where she will see it and put a note on it with the dates of his life (Jan XX, 1919-Jan XX, 2020 Rest in Peace, or something to this effect). This may prevent some of the repeating questions. Let us know answers to the other questions so you can get the best suggestions. May you gain peace in your heart as you move through your loss and grief.
We're in the states. I'm looking for a carer to come in once a week for respite, but as my mother grows older, she slips back to her native language so I'm looking for a carer that speaks her language and it's been a challenge.
I'm not sure how much time I would need to feel like myself again - forever?
The loss of my brother was unexpected and I feel like I haven't been able to grieve for him because of my parents. And now my father is gone and I'm trying to care for my mom...it takes a lot out of you this caregiving and life's unexpected challenges. Sigh.
Thank you for your kindness, funny how even a stranger on the internet can offer solace. Thank you.