He’s an 83-yr-old very narcissistic, stubborn, diabetic who is a habitual drinker. He will not listen to reason anymore. Has usual dementia factors. Very close to divorcing him. I have nowhere to go and I can't really afford to. Support groups are few and hard to find.
Divorce or facility. No other option.
There's a lot of advice here about getting your share of the assets, and you can do that. As for nowhere to go - look into living with another single person in the same boat. Rent a one or two bedroom apartment and share expenses. How much harder could it be to live with a nice woman around your age instead of an old narcissistic husband who is an alcoholic? And has dementia besides?
Look around at other communities and find one where the cost of living is lower. Even a studio apartment might work for you. Or a room you rent in someone's house. Or a small basic apartment on someone's property that used to house their granny, but she's gone now and they're looking for a tenant. Or someone who lives elsewhere six months out of the year and looking for a housesitter. I have a friend whose mom had a tiny garage apartment, and friend rented it at a very low rate to a pleasant lady who would look in on elderly mom before she went to work and when she came home at night, and she also ran errands and shopped for the mom when she was out doing things for herself. It was a win-win.
I hope you get out of there. Life is too short to waste.
Like someone said below, stay in the house, have him placed and separate your assets. I've witnessed this with several women I know who had to do this with their husbands. These husbands had other infirmities and both ended up in a nursing home because they became too much for the wives and family to take care of. I know what it is like to be saddled with an spoiled and selfish alcoholic. The disease of alcoholism can not only destroy the alcoholic but can affect the entire family unit. I can't imagine what it would be like to have dementia layered in this setup.
Is the alcoholism occuring because of the dementia or has he drank all of his life? Where is he getting money to buy the booze?
Check local hospitals for support groups for caregivers of those with dementia.
Check with your city and county councils on aging for support groups. You can get personal counseling to help you through this. I found caregiving support groups as well as Alanon and Codependents Anonymous. Some are in person and some are online. All of them helped me through a similar situation. I was surprised at how many people experienced what I was going through. Each group had a piece of the puzzle that helped me find what I needed.
If you aren't sure about divorce, you can get a legal separation to protect your assets. You can get a divorce later if you decide it's better for you. Definitely check with a lawyer. Most will give a free consultation.
On a personal note, I went through something similar in my 60s. I thought I couldn't make it on my own, and had the usual fear, obligation, and guilt. My ex's OWN social worker and psychiatrist both told me that "going above and beyond for an extended period of time NEVER ends well for the caregiver." They also told me it was his "character, not his health" that caused his behavior.
It was like getting official permission to leave. Both supported our separation and I ended up getting a divorce.
Life is so much easier on my own. Nobody yells at me, I can have friends, and even with only half of the income, I feel so much more financially secure. I may be old, but I still have a life.
Good luck and best wishes
(If you need it, you have my personal encouragement and permission to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself, up to and including divorce.)
You said you have nowhere to go and you can’t afford to, and I want you to know that there Is help and hope out there for you to be able to move away from this situation and save your sanity. I believe you are from Montana and I’m encouraging you to go to your state’s website and see what help you can get from your state. You can also go down to your county office and see what help you can get there also. If you have never worked, you will be able to get SSI. Your state will provide affordable housing for you, so you should apply for that also. If you don’t have medical coverage, your state will give you that also. There are many, many benefits out there for you, so I’m urging you to seek as many benefits as you can get from your state/county.
I am praying that you will find help and that you will also find peace and joy which you truly deserve. Please come back to this forum and let us know how you are doing.
Please do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your mental health.
There is no reasoning with a Narcissist. You have suffered long enough. Call an Elder attorney for finances and APS for help. Explain you are NOT able to take care of him due to dementia, alcoholism, abuse, etc. If they can get him placed; memory care, geriatric psych ward, or wherever, then you probably won't need to go the divorce route. If you actually feel threatened or unsafe, call the police and have him "Baker Acted."
Best of luck to you.
https://dailycaring.com/8-ways-to-deal-with-false-dementia-accusations/#:~:text=Seniors%20with%20Alzheimer%27s%20disease%20or,things%20that%20aren%27t%20real.
In part, it says:
2. Build your self-esteem
Building healthy self-esteem can make it much easier to handle and cope with some of the potentially harmful behaviors you may encounter when maintaining a relationship with someone with NPD.
Engaging in positive self-talk, practicing self-care, and finding a healthy support system can help you develop resilience and foster your self-esteem.
Having higher self-esteem can also make it easier to set clear boundaries, be assertive, and advocate for yourself, all of which are key to maintaining a relationship with someone with NPD.
3. Speak up for yourself
Sometimes, ignoring something or simply walking away is an appropriate response — pick your battles, right?
But a lot depends on the relationship. For example, dealing with a boss, parent, or spouse may call for different strategies than dealing with a co-worker, sibling, or child.
If you feel that your boundaries have been crossed when communicating with someone with NPD, try not to react, get visibly flustered, or show annoyance.
If it’s someone you’d like to keep close to in your life, then you owe it to yourself to speak up. Try to do this in a calm, gentle manner.
You must tell them how their words and conduct impact your life. Be specific and consistent about what’s not acceptable and how you expect to be treated, but prepare yourself for the fact that it may be challenging for them to understand or empathize with your feelings.
Another website link:
The Long-Term Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
Learn how to recognize the signs and symptoms of narcissistic abuse and how to heal from this kind of emotional abuse.
By: Amanda Lundberg / Clinically Reviewed By: Don Gasparini Ph.D., M.A., CASAC / Updated: February 27, 2024
In part, it says:
Seek therapy - Consider therapy with a qualified mental health professional who has experience in treating trauma and narcissistic abuse. Therapy can provide a safe space to process your experiences, learn coping strategies, and work through any lingering trauma.
Set boundaries - Practice setting and enforcing healthy boundaries in your relationships (especially in a narcissistic relationship). Learning to say no and prioritizing your own needs is essential for rebuilding self-esteem and protecting yourself from further harm.
Practice self-care - Engage in activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This can include exercise, meditation, spending time in nature, pursuing hobbies, and connecting with supportive friends and family members.
Build support networks - Surround yourself with understanding and supportive people who validate your experiences (read website for further information).
Gena / Touch Matters
Her attorney told her not to divorce her husband. He recommended that she request that her husband move out and that she remain in her home. Her husband rented an apartment. He died shortly after moving out with heart problems.
She got all of the assets because she hadn’t divorced her husband.
We live in a community property state. Do you? This can also make a difference if you should decide to divorce.
Al Anon is available EVERYWHERE. Do attend. You will find excellent support, help, and guidance.
And who knows, legal separation may work great. Because realistically, at 83, alcoholic and diabetic? He's not going to last long.
At age 83 a divorce is probably a waste of time and money. Once he's in a facility you can do whatever you want. You're not required to visit him.
What about speaking with an attorney to see what your options are?
I wish that I could offer more help but I think you are at the stage where you need more information before deciding what your next step is.
I have no idea if all of your feelings of love are gone. Or if you feel a sense of obligation to care for your husband?
Do you know how you feel at this point in time? Do you think that it would help if you spoke with a therapist to help you sort through your emotions?
My caregiver days are over now. In the past, I spoke with a therapist about being the primary caregiver for my mom. It truly helped me sort through my emotions during that time.
Are you doing this on your own or do you have help with caregiving for your husband? Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area for a needs assessment regarding your husband’s care?
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this challenging period in your life.