I'm so tired of conflicts with my 82 year old dad. He still lives on his own, but has short-term memory loss due to a mild stroke he had about 3 years ago. He's always been a difficult one to deal with if things weren't going his way. But that has gotten worse. This weekend, he had issues with his toilet being clogged. Well, I offered for my husband and I to go over to dad's house and check it out. Dad says "what could YOU guys do about it!!??" I told him we could see if we could clear it and if not we'd call a plumber on Monday. So dad said "I DON'T need a PLUMBER!" When we got to his house, he was so mad he was shaking! It's not like he doesn't have 2 other bathrooms that are in working order. He claimed the last time a plumber came the repair only lasted a couple weeks. Which is completely false! He gets these ideas in his head that aren't correct with certain things. Then he gets mad at me when I try to help. As long as everything is going his way, he's fine. But I'm always on edge. I'm so sick of it! And my brother doesn't get along with him, so I'm left dealing with it all. I'm seriously thinking about Assisted Living...but that would be another fight.
You cannot act FOR him in this matter unless he is diagnosed as incompetent.
You may have to stop intervening when he has a problem. Your running over about the toilet got you no thanks and only angered him. Let him take care of things on his own, would be my advise and looks as though that is working for the brother.
I am sorry for his attitude, but as you say, he has always been this way, and it is just becoming worse.
Next time he calls about the toilet tell him you are sorry to hear that, and very thankful he has another to use; tell him you can direct him to a number to call for a plumber should he want one.
Again, it isn't up to you to decide on ALF unless Dad is incompetent and YOU are his POA.
Hoping Dad gets a bit more mellow and the toilets run clear!
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (which is a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:
The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently
Assisted Living is the logical choice now, or in home help if dad is resistant.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
If it is Alzheimer's/Dememtia knocking on his door, please remember your Dad has no control over this. It is just easier to agree with anything he says. And it is time where "therapeutic fibs" can be used. For example, I remember when my Mom [98] wanted to visit her parents, so I told her "they are visiting the old country" which my Mom accepted.
It might be coming closer to a time where your Dad might need Memory Care facility. But don't call it that, nor ever say "nursing home" because your Dad is of the age group that remembers when their own older relatives were placed in the County Asylum.
Your Dad may not know such newer places exist, which are now built like hotels, even having a menu style dining room. I know my Dad was quite surprised and couldn't wait to move in, as he was so tired of trying to maintain his single family house.
Poor man. The sheer frustration of it, and how he must feel when he knows (and he must know) that he's lashing out at the people who do care about him. Keep your kid gloves on because he may be very depressed and very frightened and alone-feeling, but at the same time keep yourself at a safe distance. Taking the blocked loo as an example:
#1 not an emergency, he had two spares :)
#2 rather than offer a solution, ask what he would like you to do
#3 if his reply is negative - nothing! You're all useless! All plumbers are thieves! Why is the world against me! - then apply humor or sympathy according to taste. Just don't pick the battle if you don't need to.
Suppose he'd had only one loo and it had been an emergency: then you and DH visit, without discussion; you keep Dad busy in the kitchen while DH assesses the plumbing issue (or vice versa, if you're handier with a plumber's mushroom than he is); if it's a job for professionals you call in a trusted tradesperson and you give Dad the bill. Don't expect thanks but don't wait for permission either because it'll mean a month of arguing with no functioning toilet.