After being the sole caregiver for my mother, who is 80 and is in Stage 3 Renal failure, Diabetic, 2 heart attacks, 2 stints, and put on dialysis for 2 days, I have learned which doctors, nurses, physical therapists, etc. I will have a problem with in either questioning my decision, attitude, and care when she is in the hospital. I have 4 other sisters and 1 brother who are still alive and have not helped in the past with anything unless I practically begged for it. I was told today, after seeing the physical therapist that we have had in the past that has a superior attitude and can be rude and my mother doesn't remember but said the last time she didn't like him, that I had a negative attitude and I needed to give him a chance. And that the others can't ask a question without me giving them attitude and getting upset. The thing is that they are the same questions that were asked each and every time she is in the hospital. When I do say something their excuse is that they forgot and they can't remember one day from the next. My response is that I had to learn these things and write them down and memorize them, why can't they? I know what the answer is, that they don't have the sole care and therefore don't take the time. I am just wondering, am I wrong to feel the frustration with feeling like I am being taken advantage of and that I have the right to have my feelings about past incidents with the healthcare providers?
My question is.... does your family inquire about your mom???? If not, then stop feeling it necessary to detail all that is going on with them...you sound so tired and frustrated... and I know for me, when I am like that.... my patience goes out the window.....recently a speech therapist was droning on and on about the same things and talking down to everyone in the room....she has done this before, and I never saw her DO any therapy with Gene... I finally interrupted her, told her we got what she was saying, and asked her what line of therapy she was going to do with Gene....then I left the room for a little while, when I got back her whole attitude had changed..... I'm sorry that her work load is such that she was trying to do the impossible with Gene at 7 o'clock at NIGHT.... he was very tired and had no intention of cooperating with her....but she is the exception to the rule.... most are tired, but receptive if they feel we acknowledge their job, the toll it takes....
And as a paid caregiver myself,,, I do see a different expectation of us.... like we are this never ending source of energy and information.... robots with no feelings, no problems, ect.
So, I am hearing you are very frustrated with your family..... if they aren't asking... then take care of you... your mom.... and let them find out on their own... sending you lots of hugs from one very tired caregiver to another....
How you feel and how you behave can be two different things, as pstegman illustrates. When you are dealing with your mother's health care workers your goal is probably to get the best care for her that you can. It isn't to be "right" or to show the health care workers up, or to express your feelings. (Come here to express your feelings. We understand.) Keep that in mind as you interact with them.
Your mother has a big basket full of medical problems. That is not her fault, and it is not the fault of the health care workers. Try to work with them so that they can do their jobs and use their knowledge to help your mother, without a lot of negative vibes getting in the way.
Is it frustrating to have to repeat info over and over? Yes. I took my mom to the cardiologist last week and they asked for her meds when we got there. I gave the receptionist the information. When we went into the exam room, the nurse asked for her list of meds again. I'd just given them that information at the front desk, but I didn't get upset about it. They're double checking, which is good.
You get more flies with honey than vinegar. Your goal should be to get your mom the best care possible and the way to do that is to be as kind and considerate of the healthcare staff as you can. You need to speak up if something is wrong, but you can still speak up in an even , non-aggressive way. Come here to vent, but keep your cool with the people who work with your mom.
I've worked in healthcare my entire adult life and I have seen healthcare workers who were treated poorly by family members not give their family member the attention they'd give to some other patient. This isn't the norm and it is certainly unethical but it does happen and when my dad was in the NH I remembered that every single day he was there and made sure I treated the staff kindly and with respect. Not just because I wanted them to treat my dad right but also because I wanted to be a nice person and these were the folks who had taken over my dad's primary care.
In the last few years (which is pathetic because I'm already 44) I have learned that you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. And we've all witnessed some customer in some line somewhere having a meltdown and going off on the poor employee. What do we usually think of that person? That they're childish and maladjusted and maybe a little unhinged. And then we make sure that we're extra nice when it's our turn to make up for that person who went off before us.
My dad was so hard of hearing that he could never hear anything that medical personel told him so I'd answer the questions for him and he was fine with that. But to someone who didn't know he was profoundly hard of hearing they'd always look at me like I was some harpy who never let my dad get a word in edgewise. I was frequently asked, "Is this your father?" and after about the 5th time of being asked that I began to tip a wink in response to the question and say "No, he's my husband. I married him for his money."
I've also learned that if I seem to be engaged in conflict on a regular basis then it's most likely because of ME since I'm the one constant in all of the situations.
Also, if we complain or gripe a lot and then something happens that deserves to be complained or griped about we're not taken too seriously since we have that reputation to begin with, like "Oh, Mrs. So-and-So is bitching again". Once we have that reputation we're never taken seriously and that can get in the way of caring for our elderly parent.
And like the others have said, our parent's healthcare providers cannot be expected to remember our parent's medications or illnesses or conditions. That's why they have charts, so they can refer to them and see our parent's medical history.
If we find fault with everyone and everything no one is going to listen if we ever do have a legitimate issue. You may think something's unfair but what is unfair is your mom not getting adequate care because her healthcare team may not feel comfortable with you.
You may certainly feel as frustrated with them as you care to. Just be aware that this does them no harm, teaches them nothing, changes nothing, and probably causes you stress.
Why not set up a blog on a site such as Caring Bridge? You can post each message once, and all who care can read it. They can even go back to previous messages to be reminded about the three measures. You can post a picture or two now and then. This will fulfill your responsibility to keep family informed, and, I hope, reduce your own stress levels.
I understand where you are coming from and have actually done the same thing a time or two but I think you are stressed and under a lot of pressure....you are probably all business and that comes off in a bad light. You need a vacation and a yoga class!
Take care of yourself or you may wind up dead before Mom....that's what I'm afraid of!!!
My brother was the same way. I'd rattle off a bunch of tests and lab values regarding my dad and he'd have no idea what I was talking about. When it came time to revisit some issue or another and I'd talk about lab results or ejection fraction or whatever again, my brother didn't understand what I was saying.
It's like when I go in to get my care fixed and the mechanic is telling me what's wrong with the car. I have no clue what he's saying because I don't speak car. Many people don't speak medical. It's a good opportunity to teach your siblings what these things are so they can have a more thorough understanding of what's going on with your mom.
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