My dad is 90 and lives in a retirement home, 3 hours away from where I live. I have 2 older sisters, the eldest has Power of Attorney. She has acted in that role for at least 2 years, if not slightly longer. Middle sister and I feel she is secretive. While my dad may still have some level of competence; he shows signs of memory issues. I emailed the eldest sister asking for information about my dad's estate. She (expectedly) accused me of trying to start a fight... That response only leads me to be concerned that there could be some malfeasance. Any advice regarding the best way to proceed? (I am about to respond to her email... but I know she will only fail to give me information which all 3 offspring should have). By the way, I discussed this with my dad and he told me that all 3 of us children are equally entitled to know this information. (However, due to his frailty, I believe that my eldest sister can manipulate him). Any advice? Thanks.
Perhaps if you approached it from a different angle, for example,"Hey, Sis, I just wanted to touch bases with you. I wanted to make sure that dad has everything he needs to be comfortable. Does he have enough pocket money? Can I send a gift card for personal items he might need?"
Perhaps that will open the conversation in a more neutral fashion than "I want an accounting."
I might wonder why the sudden interest if I were your sister too. Is there something you particularly are concerned about?
I guess i might approach it this way "sis, I've been reading about eldercare on this website. There is all this stuff about Medicaid doing a five year lookback. Are we sure that dad hasnt9been giving money away?".
I am guessing that if I ask my sister for a copy of the POA, she will tell me to take a flying leap... but I suspect that though "arguably" she could be looking out for my dad's best interests... she is taking advantage of him by having him sign checks to her family members as gifts... not that I am not opposed to that but I believe that her family members could be getting disproportionate "gifts".
Now, having said that...if your family is close, and your father has expressed wishes in the past that everyone should be involved, then your oldest sister certainly can share this information with you...but she is not obligated in any way, and may even be barred from it depending on exactly what the POA document says.
Angel