Follow
Share

My 83 yr old Dad has dementia and Parkinson’s. Mom, 80, wants to take him to a memorial service for her brother in a major city 6 hours away by car. My Dad currently has 24 hr/day caregiver service through an agency at home to assist with ADLs and mobility issues. My sister and I don’t think it’s a good idea. But are there options out there to have a caregiver basically drive them to and from this service 6 hours away? Likely a 2 night stay away from home. What would this look like? I’m sure money can buy anything, but I’ve got no idea where to start to even explore if this is even feasible. Thanks.

OP updated, Dad was putbin hospice so family did not attend the services.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Cookster, thank you for your update for us. It helps to know. Wishing you the best.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Its been a week so I guess the memorial service has been and is over. Would love to know what was decided.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
Cookster3 Feb 28, 2025
Service is 7 March.

but the point is moot. Dad entered hospice, so we won’t be attending the memorial service.
(2)
Report
NO. Dad would be anxious, confused, and may cause disruptions in a rest room, restaurant, in the car, at the hotel, at the service, and on and on. You have no idea how awful that can be!

My LO would decide in mid-ride in a car that he wanted to get out, and then he'd try to open the door, which he succeeded in doing a couple of times. Put child lock on - then he made a ruckus because he couldn't understand why the door wouldn't open (car in motion at the time). One time at a public restroom, I went in to help him unfasten his pants, which he could no longer do, and he started to scream "NE NE NE NE!" at the top of his lungs. Must have been his version of NO NO NO NO. Anyone would have thought I was molesting him - and he apparently thought that too. We ended up not using the rest room and I drove home at breakneck speed hoping that he wouldn't have a BM along the way. Before these incidents, there was no indication that they would happen. New and out of the blue!

Accept who your dad is now. Don't cave to mother's wishes. Let someone else accompany her to brother's service. Or maybe you can talk her out of going altogether. You could request that it be videoed, and she and others could enjoy it at home.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

Hire a car service. This way there is a dedicated driver to deal with all the many stops involved, deal with maps, parking, buying gas, helping take luggage out, etc. If you are in a bigger city, these exit. Of in a midsized to smaller city, an Uber or Lift driver with a larger SUV.

This leaves the caregiver free to do what you are paying them to do. Plus when the CG takes the Dad to the toilet, that driver can keep an eye on mom.

Right now is kinda slower season for car service as it’s the lul after Holidays/Bowl games to the Spring wedding and graduation season. You should be able to get a pretty good rate,
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to igloo572
Report

Oh my gosh. Mom has moderate Alzheimers. Two years ago we took her to Italy to see her sister most likely for the last time. We thought she could do it as she was excited to go. The plane ride was horrific. She was full of fear and anxiety. My poor mother that I actually thought it would be good for her. Pretty sure it make her worse. Please hire someone to watch Dad.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Tdiehsner
Report

This sounds like a Chevy Chase movie waiting to happen; think National Lampoon's Demented Road Trip. In the movies anything is possible. In reality, this is absurd given that your mother would need an entourage to execute and support her idea.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
Report
lkdrymom Feb 28, 2025
Thanks. Now I have Holiday Road in my head
(0)
Report
IF...and this is a big IF...this is going to be done you contact the agency and ask what the charge would be for the caregiver for the duration of this trip.
And do not forget that your parents would also be paying for food and hotel for the caregiver as well.

I 100% ..agree with you and your sibling that this is not a good idea.
I actually think your mom should not make this trip either unless she also has a caregiver helping her. So if you do convince her that dad should stay at home someone should go with her. either a paid caregiver or a family member that will help her with all that needs to be done.

You could suggest that you will agree to letting dad go on the trip if his doctor agrees to it.
Travel with someone that has dementia is a whole 'nuther ball game. the confusion and being out of their normal routine is problematic then adding all the people that he may not recognize will just be more stressful.

Is there any way to convince the relatives that are organizing this to video it or "face time" mom so that she can still participate from the safety of home?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

I am 75. My brother is 7 hrs away and if I was 83 and no one to drive me, I would not be going to his funeral. Especially in a city.

Really, this is not a good idea. Mom would be better going alone you going with her and sister there for Dad.
That isca long ride for someone with Dementia. My Mom lasted an hr and then ready to come home.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

It doesn't sound feasible to me. Dad requires a 24/7 caregiver, a 6 hour drive would be hard on me at 71, without dementia! It's too long and exhausting.

Get Dad in respite care a few days, and Mom should take a plane, not drive 6 hours alone (and emotionally upset). She needs someone to accompany her! Do the driving, or help her check in the airport, get her to her motel, help with luggage. Then get her safely to the Memorial, and get home safe.

That will be expensive enough as it is. Either you or your sister will be the likely companion for this trip. At 80, Mom should not be driving alone 6 hours, navigate the Memorial alone, and get home safe. She definitely needs a companion.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Dawn88
Report
waytomisery Feb 16, 2025
I agree , respite care for Dad .
A companion to support Mom at the memorial if possible .
Hopefully Mom is willing to do it this way .
(1)
Report
She could probably get a caregiver from the agency to go with them. It would be expensive. But should see? Think about the logistics not only of the dementia but the Parkinson's. They would be using multiple unfamiliar restrooms and needing to stay in someone's home or a hotel that would not be set up in the way that your dad is used to. So there are even the basic logistics to deal with, let alone whether the different environments would cause agitation and/or confusion for him.

Is she wanting him to have one last visit with her family? That's understandable, but it may not be pleasant because of the disruption to his routines. If he's cognizant enough to understand it, could someone live-stream it for him? Many churches and funeral homes will do that one request now because they learned how to do it during the pandemic.

Does your mother just feel anxious about going alone? If so maybe you can work on solutions to that without requiring your dad to travel.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MG8522
Report

It’s not a good idea .

If Mom wants to do this , let her figure it out . You do not have to support this .
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to waytomisery
Report
MissesJ Mar 18, 2025
Can I get an Amen???
(0)
Report
Would his presence there be a comfort to mom? That’s hard to see, but perhaps so after a long marriage. You’ve already gotten good advice on this likely being a bad idea, and you feel it yourself. But if mom is adamant, have her set it up through the agency they’re already working with, minus your blessing or involvement
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

Attempting a road trip with a senior with dementia, while already in mourning, and with a stranger at the wheel? This is a road trip I want to have a blog about, because I think it will not be without adventure-tales-to-tell.
I would rather see someone give mom a respite, care for dad, and let her have some few precious moments to mourn her brother.

That's just me. You all know them best, but if there's an attempt at the road trip then I hope it will be with a trusted family member or friend at the wheel.
Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

It's not about the money but what a change in routine does to people with dementia: it can cause increased agitation and disorientation. A 2-day stay away from familiar surroundings? I would not recommend this trip.

Your Dad won't remember the service and in fact may be disruptive during the service. This is what happened with my 90+ yr old Aunt with advanced dementia when we brought her to her brother's funeral service: she couldn't talk in a whisper, couldn't hear (or comprehend) what was being said so was getting worked up about it, tried to get up out of her wheelchair, was saying inappropriate things loudly then getting mad when we tried to quiet her... basically caused an unwelcomed distraction and we wound up removing her anyway. Even with a familiar family tender, she did poorly.

Maybe tell your Mom his doctor is very against it for all those reasons.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter