Have you been treated like a door mat by family? I want input on family abusing the ones who really care!!!

Glad I'm not the only one. I feel like a black sheep and a door mat every day. Nobody cares and nobody will until they're the ones who are sick and they're the ones who are dying.

Good point ashley1990 I just saw photos on FB of a Mother Dog saving her pups from a house fire and then putting them into the fire truck. Reality!!!! Do you think that dog for one second was worried about herself?

Sometimes I feel like a doormat, but mostly I feel like a sacrificial lamb. Not today, though. Today was a good day. I actually felt human.

Sometimes I feel I am the only one in my family who can actually "solve" what they feel are problems, They don't consider it as helping our parents, they consider it more as a problem. As a matter of fact, I AM the only one who does help them besides my husband, thank the lord for him! I guess in time those who choose not to help will be bitten by the karma bug. And I cannot wait to see how hard it bites!!
I feel for you, you are not alone by far. At least you care, and will sleep at night peacefully knowing you did right by your parents.

We really do learn the truth about our family members thru caregiving & estate settling. I'm the black sheep or sacrificial lamb - and that's ok, because I was doing "the right thing" for my special parents.
My siblings are self-centered & arrogant (they did Not get it from our parents). But, you're right, the "mirror theory" is one way with them, they can't/won't see that some of us caregive out of true LOVE & CARE. And, my sister's hypocrisy for touting attendance of seminars on Caring.
I'll get the last laugh when they find out they are NOT beneficiaries in my Will.

Family members who did nothing to help now want mementos or gifts they gave my dad 20 -30 years ago returned-rods and reels, just anything and everything. The same people who never helped, never visited, never sent a card of sympathy now calling. Do I give in or just ignore?

My sister's hurtful words ring soundly in my ears everyday... They also think I am taking advantage of my parents. They think I have selfish ambitions as well. I live full time with my parents caring for them. It is painful, but I don't know that there is another solution. :( It breaks my heart that they can't just say "thanks! we appreciate all you have done for them." or SOMETHING! Anything. Funny, my brothers, thought they don't get involved in their care, they appreciate me. My sisters are the ones who resent me and hate me for this. What have I don't but love and care for them???

I've decided their arrogance and meanness is a form of jealousy. The last 2 years have a a heart breaking eye opener in learning the truth about my two sisters. My dear husband and I have always been there for them as they were going through divorces and other issues that seemed to always crop up..with never a question. We were there with emotional support, money, a room to stay in..whatevery they needed. As now, we were doing the right thing never expecting thanks but certainly never expecting what we have experienced the last 2 years.

I think its really sad when our own family are not supportive. They continue to hurt by their words and everyone says they don't mean that. Well, if they don't mean it they wouldn't have said it. No, they have to own up to their words because they do hurt and continue to hurt. They think the one helping is in it for some good reason. All they want is what they can get from the situation. Selfless love for a loved one is something that comes from inside and is blessed by God. It is very hard to do the best you can and still you get the criticism. I think that each of you caregivers are truly the ones making the difference and even if your own family members can't say it, I'll say it THANK YOU FOR CARING!

My family is so screwed up and self centered that since they have drained and stolen everything my grandma had already...now they just toss her aside like stinky rag. I (not always having been known for my now honest and caring persona) am the only one stepping up to take 24/7 care for her with no pay, she's broke thanks to my uncle ripping her off for over 24 months of SSI and now I'm having to try and get her benefits reinstated because they cut her off because he refused to become her payee. I cam all the way back to Cali from Tx and my family is so mad that I'm outshining them they are trying to attack me from every angle. My Gosh people if you don't wanna help then for foots sake don't try and take down the only one who is? Yikes family sucks...I won't be hanging out around these parts once my job is done.

i feel the same way i always loved mom tried to help her from her abuser who she said was her husband of 60 years. Somehow i always became the scapegoat/blacksheep for their problems. I always tried to make them happy buy their love but notthing was ever enough. my brother did give a thought about them ever and he became the golden child. Okay enough with the boy thing then they said well he was sick.

I have WELCOME written across my forehead, and similar to keepingmyword's situation, I caught my sister trying to shove our mother into a home against her will and conning her into signing over all her money and house, while giving her total control over everything to shove me totally out of the picture...when my mother was too smart for my sister to do that, my sister abandoned her, leaving me as the caregiver while she goes out to party and drink with her 32 year old daughter...she hasn't phoned our mother since Christmas after she staged an aggressive rage at our mother because I spoke up when they insulted me....my "family" is a severely dysfunctional group of mentally ill individuals so I count my blessings have ended up being the only well balanced one in the group

Before my dad passed his brother took charge of my grandparents estate and put them in a nursing home-they sold everything then abandoned the home. We could do nothing as his brother was named managing conservator. After a storm caused a limb to fall thru a bedroom roof mold set in-we had no idea of the damage. My uncle just let the home be torn down and the property auctioned off. Property worth over a million dollars was sold for ten thousand on the court house steps. I only found this out when I took my family to the homestead only to find part of the chimney. I called him only to be hung up on. How can people be so heartless. My grandparents worked all their lives and meant the home and property to be shared by al the family. People-get a copy of your parents will before they are gone or mentally incapacitated. I know it sounds awful to ask your parents or grandparents for a copy of their will but sometimes the one you would least suspect of being a crook just may surprise you. I have clearly given all my children copies of my will in advance.

Being a care-giver is tough! Sometimes, most of us do feel as if we are doormats, or in my way of saying it, the house ni**er. ( Not racial-an unpaid slave. No offense, please.) Fortunately, my family is supportive. My sister is a great help as she had to take care of her husband before he died--for years. My neice and nephew are very supportive too. They know caregiving is tough because they have done it too. Perhaps your family members have never been in a caregivers situation and couldn't possible appreciate the major stress it is.
As caregiver, I work 24/7/365 with no relief except those times when "it's safe" to leave the house and do my own thing. That doesn't happen very often. I think most family caregivers work these hours and days. It might be beneficial to point out to your family just how much it would cost them as a family to replace you, which usually means three people. Let them know what the running rates are for this. Believe me, you and all caregivers are worth a lot if compensated financially. Point this fact out to them since they could end up footing the bill if you were not around to be the family slave. Additionally, don't take any crap from them; stand up for yourself! Let them know you are one tough cookie and don't mess with you. If they try make them hurt somehow and back them off.

Menohardy, I would tell those people what my dad told me to say when he is gone, "if you can't come to see me when I am alive, then don't come see me when I am dead". I cannot wait to tell certain family members that! I would tell them that you would rather donate the items to deserving kids or other elderly men then allow them to wash their guilt away by taking precious items of your dads. A little retribution may ease the pain you are suffering. That is just me and I am pretty pissed off and resentful. Hugs

I can totally relate to the comments about arrogance & meanness being from jealousy. Also finding out while we are all under stress from caregiving what other family members are really about. Whoever said accusing someone of what one's own true intentions are is mirroring, hit on the head big time. The most selfless ones are the ones that end up coming under fire by the self-ish.

Yes, I am in a similar situation to yours. I get treated like I am the Cinderella of the family. I am still hoping for a fairy godmother to show up. I think we just have to do what we think is right and try to ignore their behavior, they will never understand since they aren't doing the caregiving. I think sometimes the siblings feel pain when they see their mother's/father's health failing, and since anger is easier to express than pain they lash out at the nearest person, which is the caregiver. It doesn't make it any less heartbreaking, but it helps me to explain their behavior so I don't feel like it is something I have done to deserve it. I don't know why they can't offer a simple "thank you". It is what it is.

This caregiving is brutal at best and made so much harder having to deal with the rest of the family. I have learned to have very thick skin. When they start I tell them they can take over whenever they like, until then, talk to the hand. In my situation there is no money and I foot most of the bill and nobody else is chipping in. Whenever I call my mentor and cry "why do I always have to be the strong one" she tells me "to whom much has been given much is required". I keep my side of the street clean and hold my head up.

I think,too, that there is some jealously and envy involved with those siblings who choose not to get involved. They are jealous of the strength the caregiver has shown to take on this daunting task. They lash out to show their shame for not caring the same way you do. It is a nasty trait but one everyone has to some extent. That is where bullying comes from. People like that feel so inadequate from some person/people in their lives that they feel better making you miserable.

I can hardly wait to get out of here - came from Cali - gave up everything to care for mom - whom they said was not going to last long - 3 years ago - siblings are really no help - can't blame my brother - my mom hated him since birth and let him know it - UGH - but two sisters who were in close proximity relied on mom to help with kids (probably good for them to have an extended family) - however, I was 2500 miles away - and supported mom financially - to purchase home, car, gambling habit - etc. She loved to visit - had royal treatment - siblings also came to visit as often as they could - several times a year - Now that I had to leave and have nothing -at everyone's insistance, guilt for being away for 30 years - came back to Michigan (another planet) to take care of mom. Was blindsided - treated like an alien - no support, just take care of mom so we can go on with our lives. mom is and always has been narcissistic and controlling which is why I lived so far away for 30 years. She resents it when I socialize, I can't do anything right - she wants me to go to my room at 3 in the afternoon - close up the house, if I do, which is rarely, she screams at me and says why are your so tired - you didn't do anything - OMG - only have been at her beck and call for 24 hours - she is up at least 6 times at night and then insists I go get coffee at 6 (she hates her coffee maker - the 5th one in 3 months) - K I'll quit - but understand the door mat feeling

Once again, been there done that. I am treated like a doormat, only worse. I am treated like the septic tank cleaner. My sister sends me the most vile emails that you could imagine. Yet she claims she is a Friend of Focus on the family and Catholic sisterhood.

Dianestory, do not quit! Vent all you want! Sometimes I just talk to myself in he car after I visit my parents. No one wants to hear what I have to say but after I rant, I feel somewhat better. I have to let out the frustration of my parents turning into people I do not even know anymore to ALF staff who turn a blind eye and deaf ear to my concerns for their safety and well being! God, this country is screwed up! A person would be thrown in jail for his abuse to an animal!

dianestory-so what would you have done had mom died 3 years ago? I mean what are you getting out of this? dysfunctional relationship? Can you just leave? Would you have a job, a home, an income? I don't get it. Why are you being a doormat?
You said: just take care of mom so "we" can go on with our lives. Did you move your family in with her? Are you dependent on her? Sounds like you are being the child-she is telling you you can't socialize, you can't do anything right. Sends you to your room at 3 PM-come on-what givers here? Some back ground ....please.

It is sooo hard to turn the other cheek and watch family members behaving badly. Just when you think everybody's gonna pull together and get through this (family member's illness) together, there has to be one rotten apple in the bunch who starts crap like saying "you're taking advantage of dad", micro-managing every aspect of caregiving, giving orders (not requests), etc. They don't realize it just makes things that much harder on everyone else, and don't really seem to care. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Thank goodness for this forum, where others in the same boat actually understand what we are going through.

Since I sounded off earlier I feel better. I want everyone to know that caregivers are special people and that kindness does matter. My sister in law was taking care of my mom and she put on such a loving persona for my mom in public and behind closed door chose to abuse her with hurtful words and actions. When I rescued my mom in March she only weighted 97 pounds. When I left she said to me well she won't eat and she is failing fast. She now is 120 pounds and she had to eat to gain that weight and looks great. My mom said she didn't have much food.Starving someone to me is very cruel. All she wanted was my mothers money and she took back many things that she had given her for her birthday. It was all for show, so people would see how good she was to her. Well I see right through her falseness and I hope I never see her again. No one needs to be around negative people even if they are part of your family. Always do whats right no matter what!

There are those in life whose general nature is to give, and they are in the minority.
There are those in whose gernal nature is to take, they are in the majority.
You know which morally good one you fall into.... I go crazy when people see kindness and open-ness, as something to use and manipulate. We are in exactly that boat....
You need a hug.
We had a lazy, druggie, alcoholic good for nothing turn up to his Nan's house when she was mid 80's. Forget all the decades of care that we did, the meals, the holidays, the sewing of curtains, the support on the death of Dad.
He worked magic in turning her against her own son with lies and manipulation. Lies we can prove a hundred times over. Using his dripping of time when we were
not there.
She sold him 1/3 of her home and an outbuilding for a 10th of the price, and has
now got her to virtually write out her son that she loved dearly.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. They are flogging the willing horse my dear....it's what they know, understand and do best.
Remember that God sees all and they are storing up some pretty bad karma. If your heart is pure and good you will get by, be strong!

Well I certainly feel like a door mat of sorts since my mom has gotten sick I am the only one who is looking after her interests and well being. None of my siblings have once called or visited her in the hospital and nursing home. That was a year ago. When mother got sick back in December 2011 and landed in the hospital, she made a suicidal remark that she did not want to live anymore and after that she was never to see her apartment ever again. I was so mad at her for saying that because when the OR nurses heard that they were legally bound by the law to report / note that and act on it and so they did. They sent her to a psych ward for two or three weeks, observed her and basically made both her and my life miserable. She was then released to a permanent nursing home farther away from her family, which seems to typical for the medical / psychiatric establishments, (to move members family as far away as possible from the influences of family in the first place. I find that appallingly unfair and hope someday soon that will change. Shortly after she was removed from her home I had to remove all her stuff from the apartment and make arrangements for it all to be stored somewhere, and wow it is costly every month. Trouble is, I can't keep paying for the storage unit much longer so I am debating whether or not I should start selling it off and try to use the money for her expenses and yes she has tons that I never knew about and her debt is huge her credit is shot by the looks of it, all thanks to all those television evangelical criminals. I had all her mail transferred to me and that's how I found out about that, I am none too happy because her bank account is nil nearly every month now and at this point there is nothing i can do. Like i said i don't have a POA yet, Attorneys are just as crook as those evangelicals that ripped my mother every month. I looked into guardianship but from what I understand that will take a good 6 to 12 months to even be heard by a judge. This to me seems so ridiculous for something that only should require a family member agree to be respsonsible for an ailing parent. The one thing I did learn that a nursing home has the right to get guardianship but I do plan to fight the nursing home if they even think about trying that. She is afterall....MY MOTHER!! I have tried countless times to get at least one of my siblings to help me with mother's cares and all I get is alot of lip flapping and yeah, yeah, yeah!! That sibling keeps telling me they will find out about this issue or that issue, whatever i am talking about and get back to me but they never do.
In any case, I'm at my wits end here, strapped for money to get a POA and not wanting to got the guardianship way because of the silly time it will waste not to mention the expense of it. I am tired and running out of ideas here, my siblings think I am only interested in the money my mother doesn't have but they think she does have. Yet they all are waiting in the desert like vultures for her to draw her last breath so they can pounce and start grabbing any and all her belongings and whatever few dollars they may find.
Like i said in the beginning of this rant, not one of my siblings have shown an ounce of concern for mother since this whole thing began back in December 2011. Not once have they called her, visited her, sent her even one letter, birthday or holiday card at all. It is sad and I am all she has left, even her own sister (my aunt) hasn't seen, called or visted her even once. No relatives have. I am the only one. I can't bring myself to abandone her no matter what. I'm tired but i plan to stand besides her till the end. I love my mother now and always!!!

You poor soul. Take comfort that good people support you. DO FIGHT FOR YOUR POA!!
The abuse of old people, and don't forget we will become one quicker than you think, is horrendous and this is happening to people in every country.
As people are living longer, these stories will get worse and worse.
Your battle will not be an easy one, speak to your social services and explain the
situation. THERE WILL BE HONEST LAWYERS OUT THERE, but the shysters out number them.
Where is the integrity of their oath they swear.
I was in correspondence with a lovely lady who gave me provisional help for free and guidance but her hourly rate was 310 pounds per hour, which is about 470$ PER HOUR plus 20% VAT tax.
ALL THIS IS LOADED FOR THE RICH.
Google pro bono in your area, and Fight IT Girl. Your siblings clearly forget who gave birth to them and raised them.
Forward this copy to them, and let them hang their heads in shame!

Thank you angiiiii, unfortunately my siblings have no shame and continue to try to do things behind my back but I am lucky enough to catch it and eliminate their shinanigans.

Like I said before, get your popcorn and a drink and sit back and watch the karma bug attack. I know it may take some time, but those family members will have to live with themselves, knowing that they should of helped. funny thing is they do not have a clue what's to come due to their self centeredness. I just cannot understand how they can be like that, not an ounce of compassion for their own parents, which by the way were very good to them as they were growing up. I do not forget these things. so glad it is not only me, but sad that it is so common in families.