Any neat tricks for 'hovering' or 'shadowing'?

Thank you. ((((((( U )))))))

Oh, FedUpNow-your poor friend. I will pray that he gets his wish. Life is so unfair sometimes.

This is why I can't stand my mother-in-law's selfish whining: A dear, loving friend of mine who grew up horribly abused as a child is dealing with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer with all the grace and courage anyone could ask for. He is only 42. He is my hero. Bobby will never get to grow old. He will never be sitting on a couch in my living room, with all his meals cooked, his clothes washed, his bed made, his every need taken care of and still complaining and thinking only he has problems. This guy is going to die with his boots on. Read it and weep. This young man deserves my support and caring. My mother-in-law does not. This was Bobby's post to all of us today who are standing by his side as he lives as much as he can to the last minute:

Ok, I know I haven't posted anything recently about the health issues for a lot of reasons, more so because I care more about what's going on in your lives than mine but questions have arisen so here's what I found out today. The cancer is still prevalent and causing pain on a daily basis. The diabetes is still not under control because of the blood sugars, and the HIV, well I just don't know or care about it any longer because it just doesn't matter to me.

I went to the eye doctor today because last Saturday I suddenly lost vision out of my right eye. I wasn't worried about it until it continued. This was one symptom I was told about a few months ago but until it actually happens then it gets a little scary. They eye doc sent me to the ER where they happened to have a retina specialist over there who graciously made time to see me. As I sat there waiting and watching the eye doc see several patients and seemed very happy especially when he told them everything was going to be all right, imagine my horror when as he was looking and testing my eyes, he was very quiet.

Finally he asked if I had been told about what would happen as my health declined due to the diseases racking my body and the side affects of the meds I was taking. I said yes, and he quietly told me that my eyes were not getting the oxygen to the nerves that they needed and I would slowly, gradually is what I think he said lose all my eyesight. Weeks, maybe a couple of months he said but I would go blind before anything else happened. So many emotions are happening but I'm hoping that I get to see all my friends ride out of Cow Palace in June, that means a lot to me so keep your fingers crossed and let's hope that there's a purpose for all we go through in life....love you guys and ladies!

Dear Sharonmit, I drank that kool-aid for a long time: i.e. they can't change so we have to. That won't help anything. They won't change so we need to go get a sitter and leave for a good movie. You will come back healthier, less stressed with more patience. They won't change so we don't have to go nuts trying to think of ways to fix something that can't be fixed.

Boy, my mother was the same way. I don't know the answer. They must not have any concept of time - whether it is 5 minutes or 25 minutes.

I keep reading that music is working some magic. If you know what type of music they liked when they were younger play some of that type. It's a mood lifter and for some that no longer speak, will, if they hear an old favorite song, sign along! Worth a try!

Hey Mishka and FUN, thanks so much for your comments!! Yes it is awful, it is probably the most awful thing I've had to do in my life (turn my back on all the hurt, neglect & abuse she inflicted, and be kind and take her in and take care of her) but I have had her here for four years now and I have done my absolute very best that I could at this "job". Sure, some days get me down, but I seem to be able to find three or four things in a day that can make me happy......sometimes, it is just the song of a cardinal outside, or the way the clouds are formed. I just keep plugging on!!
FUN - I sure do get it. I've been getting it for a long time now. I think I first started getting it when I was in my late teens/early twenties, and saw how she was destroying my father (he died in his '60s of alcohol abuse - his only way out, I think). When you hear her tell others, "Oh, I was forced to have children" "I never wanted any" "You were supposed to be a boy" and don't get me started on her labor stories about me!! She's had it in for me since day one. But somehow, by G-d's supreme grace I have been able to rise above it, don't mean to sound self righteous here, but after you have taken so much, why add to it?
I do have my own family as a saving grace (pardon the pun) so I just continue to move forward although I'm sure she thinks to herself, I'M her REAL family!! Don't forget though, I have a sibling who has absolutely zero input in her care etc. -- but he is always excused!! Typical narcissist behaviour on her part.
Posters on this thread, I am SO with you. We are all in this together!! How refreshing to finally find a place to vent, to be heard, to voice opinions and above all, to get some respect!!
Thank you all. It can't go on forever..........??

Hey Soozieq, I posted a comment on this thread earlier, and can relate to a Mom who sticks like glue. Mine lives with me, and I see yours is in AL, and only visits you and your sis. Since she's not w/ you all the time, maybe when she IS with you and wants to help....I know that '"I want to help" scenario all too well, as my Mom wants to help all the time, and the poor thing gets in the way. It is rather a pain in the you-know-what, but I just think of how useless they must feel. Not MUST feel, but DO feel. So I come up w/ easy things she can do....fold the placemats (even if I have to take them out of the drawer and throw them in the basket), or sort out the silverware, or dust mop the floor, or furniture. Even if it doesn't need doing, I'll act like it does, and then praise Mom for helping me. It gives them a tiny sense of purpose. Like they're just not useless pieces of garbage cluttering up our lives, just waiting to kick off. I can't imagine how terrible it must be to be in their shoes. Heck, it's bad enough in our shoes taking care of them, and sometimes we can all forget what must go through their cracked headed old beans. Depression, lonliness, uselessness, and yet they still live on. Bummer. The ones that have been mean and grumpy their whole lives....well, I guess it's karma? Still, it's sad. Then there are the ones that have been good loving Moms, but it doesn't seem to be a picnic for them either. :(

My sister and I have the same problem if we bring Mom home for a visit. Its "can I help, what can I do" etc. Basically we fall over her because she silently comes up behind us. Only thing is, even 20 years ago, when I shared an apartment with her briefly, she would never give me a moment of privacy. I used to lock my bedroom door so I could watch tv. It could be one of two things, either its age, or in my Mom's case, she simply never had an interest outside of of her family. Basically, she has and never had hobbies or a passion about anything so she depends on family or people she knows for her entire existence. She stuck to my stepfather like velcro wherever they went, even at family get-togethers she never left his side (and he was not a nice person, treated her like a servant). In 20 years we have tried everything to get her interested in ANYTHING - art, music, knitting, cards, puzzles, etc - no go. So if your mom is like ours, the best thing is to move her to assisted living. Now that mom is there she has no choice but to make a couple of friends and at least sit with them at meals, but she still participates in no activities or travel, etc. Can't change a person's personality!

Easier said than done. When you have 2 jobs, a husband, and 5 boys to worry about on top of your mother. It really isn't my mom that is the problem for me I can really deal with not having ANY privacy if I had at least 1 weekend a month that someone would take her. It's my siblings that don't give me the help I thought they would. I've spoken to them about this and things were ok for about a week and then they only show up when it's convenient for them. Also I feel sorry for my mother because she knows they aren't around like they said they would be. They love my mother they are just selfish.

Yes it is good to keep some humor about it, I know that can wear thin though. I was thinking about the Seinfeld episode when Elaine had the guy always creeping up on her at work and she got him some Tic Tacs this way she could hear him coming. Just trying for some levity.

All sounds so familiar. My mom does the same things. If I am in the bathroom for 3 minutes she turns the doorknob at least 3 times..... Take her to the grocery store round the corner a few seconds before she does and she calling out my name like a lost kid......She knows exactly where I am just wants to make sure she is not out of control for a few seconds.

If she knows I am leaving she starts with the stall techniques, (some that I can't just ignore and go on). Do you know where my phone is? Is it OK if I wash your towel while your gone? You need to take a jacket (on an 80 degree day). Where is soap? Anything that pops into her head to delay me. If she know I am going somewhere the next day she stays awake and patrols the house the entire night. If I don't tell her until I am ready to leave I wind up leaving at least an hour late.

Totally ignores any statements I make about being late or gotta go.

Then she will find 10 things she thinks I have forgotten and calls me before I get to the end of the block.

I know it is partly anxiety, partly controlling personality, she looks so content when I finally leave totally flustered or near tears.

Thanks to all of you, it is wonderful to find others in the same situation. We share so much in common. I will try the notes, and music in the background to see if it works.

I wish I could get in her mind to see what she is thinking. I think sometimes it's like a fight or flight type situation. It is as if they are trying so hard not forget things that it gets all jumbled up inside somehow. Fixated on something and it gets all out of order in their mind.

I appreciate all of the suggestions and I am going to try them. It's like they say, with Alzheimer's / Dementia, they cannot change, so we have to.

OH! I am so glad to know I am not the only one with this. If I am sitting in the room, fine, but as soon as I leave for any reason I hear Are You There? Are you there? She walks through the house calling out, calling out. Sometimes I hide around the corner hoping she will give up or distract herself with something but eventually, I give up and ask her what do you need. Nothing. And away she walks. Right now she is sitting across the room from me, I am using my laptop and all is well, but if I go to the kitchen, we're off to the races again. Like so many other behaviors, I guess this is pretty routine, too.

Dear Seven13,
You are the only one who made the connection of the name I chose: FedUpNow (i.e. FUN). You truly do get it! Takes one to know one. Yes, I married the only son, the golden boy, named after the 12th king of Lithuania blah blah blah. I refer to them as the newlyweds. Of course he didn't set boundaries. He lets her get away with this stuff. He has always been tested by his mother who insists she is more important than his wife. And she is. I gave up a long time ago. FYI, when I got truly fed up, I booked a three week trip to India and left without telling my husband where I was going. Best time in my life--traveling with three other women. He was furious. How dare I leave without telling him. How dare he inflict his mother on me.
Payback is a bitch, and sometimes, it can even be FUN! ;)

Seven13- that sounds horrid! Does she have to live with you? A person should not have to deal with that from someone that is capable of acting otherwise. And, I believe, that if a parent was abusive in any way than the adult children should not help in their caregiving. That is just too much to ask, IMO. My mom made mistakes-she made some pretty big ones in fact and she won't ever own them unfortunately, , but she loved/s me and tried her best. My Dad also made a lot of mistakes-mostly being absent and distant but I know he loves me. It is different than a truly abusive parent -mentally or physically. I just don't know if I could take care of a parent that hurt me so much. It must be sooooo hard. :(

I hear you, FUN. Isn't it sad that these people thrive on being miserable for their whole lives -- and making those of others if they are allowed to -- instead of enjoying life the way it is meant to?
Yes, they lie, they steal, they manipulate, they belittle, berate, and throw their weight around,. It's called bullying and this is the only way they have learned how to get what they want. Others of course are horrified at me, because I'm her only daughter (there is one useless sibling) and how could I possibly characterize her in this way? There must be something wrong with me, right??
I have a feeling you and I could compare a lot of notes on here......I am sorry about what happened to you with the walker incident - but if your husband was outraged, what did he do about it? Did he call her on it? Doubt if it would have done any good anyway. I have tried my level best to set boundaries with this one, telling her over and over again, the same things she should not do, only to find her continuing to do them, because she feels she has to know everything and who are you to get after her about it anyways?
I really had my eyes opened when I went on the narcissist thread on here. Sounds exactly like your MIL although I would also hazard a guess that your husband was the "golden boy" for whom no woman would be good enough in her eyes. There is no way to win with these people so it's best to just distance yourself and control the contact (or lack of) with them. TOXIC!!

Dear Seven13, Your description of your mother describes exactly my mother-in-law who is 97 and lives with us. On her 96th birthday she blew out my knee with her walker, hitting me deliberately. I took pictures and reported her to her doctor. My husband was outraged. He is an only child. Her social worker who dealt with her for six years before she came to live with us said, "She lies, she steals, and she is adept at getting attention." My hell isn't over yet. A day with her is a day without sunshine. When we were first married, she had to know everything, opens our mail, and hangs up the phone when I call to speak to my husband. He has not set the boundaries he should have. Once she dies, he can go live in her condo. He will be going alone. Good riddance.

While I understand most of the comments made here about the elderly, such as they are afraid, they feel alone, they need to feel safe, etc., it is hard for me to digest them because in my case, this is not how my mother behaves. She has to police and monitor everything, especially what I do, 24/7. There is no privacy for me in my own house.
She will ask about conversations (private ones) I have had with my husband or children. She has a huge sense of entitlement which seems to make her feel that she should be privy to everything that goes on in this house. (NOT!!) It seems as if she is afraid to miss something, or to feel left out. I might add that she is very childish and immature, jealous of others, hypercritical, judgmental, bigoted,.......shall I go on?
The comments from those of you who truly love your parents are completely different from those of us who have suffered, especially in childhood, from parents who are controlling, overreactive, and overbearing, not to mention overly strict and without empathy. I doubt if any of you who have NOT had parents like that can even begin to comprehend what it is like to care for an elderly parent who feels that they own you, and that you owe them -- believe me, it's a whole different scenario.
Why, this afternoon, she came out to the kitchen with her lunch dishes, which was rare because she rarely lifts a finger, she'd rather be waited on (suffers from a "queen" complex). I caught her unabashedly staring at the computer screen - not the first time either.
As soon as you get after them for doing something they know they shouldn't be doing, they go on the attack: "You're making a mountain out of a molehill! You're too sensitive! Why is everything a big deal to you!" Excuse me, you just violated my privacy...........but I guess that's ok, because no one would DARE do that to you because they would be severely reprimanded for it.
I laughed when I read the comment about the mother who suddenly "appeared" behind the poster - I get this all the time. I call it the "Houdini effect". Mine has quite a few tricks up her sleeve. (she has always been this way, it hasn't just suddenly happened because she is old now, and she does not have dementia).
Mine will take her lunch to her room to eat, but the minute you get out in the kitchen to get yours, you turn around to get something out of the fridge and - hello!! There she is.....watching everything that you make, or take to eat for yourself. Of course, if you do that to her, you are "nosy" or if you come up behind her, you get "oh you just love to do that to me, don't you? sneaking up on me all the time".
There is no where in this house in which I can have a quiet conversation with anyone, if someone comes to the door she "appears" to see who it is, because she feels she has the right to know. She will also volunteer to go downstairs to get the mail, that way she can have control and see what you are getting. But you are not allowed to look at her mail. That is not acceptable!
One night my husband and I had a meeting with the landscapers...I thought I saw a shadow up on the second floor and there she was, hanging over the balcony to see what all the action was!
I also took note of the post that mentioned a parent listening in on the phone. I am accused of doing this all the time. I never do that but she will pick the phone up to listen in and see who I am talking to!!
I guess what I am trying to point out is that this "do as I say, not as I do" attitude of hers, which she has installed in us since we were small, is the heighth of hypocrisy to me. I could give you so many more examples of her detrimental behaviour. But most of you, I'm sure, are interested in this kind of behaviour connected to dementia, whereas my parent has exhibited it all her life and I have busted my head trying to figure out what caused it, to no avail.
FedUpNow, you are very brave. You have done a good job. You are able now to let it go. I am happy to hear you say that after their death, you can have some peace. I am patiently waiting for mine.

I have lost both my parents. My mother died after a year-long struggle with breast cancer during which I took care of her until the moment she died. She NEVER pulled any of the shenanigans that these people torture their caregivers with even though she was dying in agony. My father died at 91 and he, too, died painfully of prostate cancer and I was him at his moment of death. AT NO TIME have I missed any of these horrible moments you describe. I miss the people they were when they were healthy but in NO WAY will I ever wish them back in their diseased states and I WILL NEVER miss my selfish Mother-in-law who is crapping on at age 97 and hates everybody. These platitudes are given by people who are not taking care of their elderly parents. They have usually stuck a sibling with this onerous task. Or, in a few more weeks or years when they are fully burned out, nay incinerated, they will start telling the truth like me.

My Mom is a hoverer. Even in a wheelchair she scoots with her feet to position herself right next to me. Even if I am at her house with other family members she tends to want to shadow me- at first it annoyed me to no end! But I do remember that I used to do the same thing to her- I had a lot of anxiety- OCD as a child and I would follow her around-sit on the toilet as she got her make up on to go out, sit with my back against the refrigerator on the floor by her feet as she cooked... When she went on a vacation with dad (Dad was always out of town so he was kind of a non entity in the house) I would hang up pictures of her and just stare at them- (my grandma was watching us). So- I guess it is payback for me. Only thing is she HATED when I followed her around and told me that. She often told me that I had to stop. She would roll her eyes at me when I was anxious. And now - here we are- rolls reversed. Do I sometimes REALLY want to say the things she said to me when I was 5? YES! But I don't because , I don't know - I just can't. The minute I get frustrated with her I feel so guilty. SO I have learned to deal with it. It is OK now because I am a part time caregiver. If I become the full time caregiver- hmmmm--

One thing that helps is my Mom loves dogs! when she is at my house my little westie just sits on her lap for hours. This helps. I think if I became full time caregiver I will use that and say "Mom,I have to go cook now. Lala(our westie) needs to stay out of my way in the kitchen - she is a bad beggar- can you watch her in the family room while I cook? It would be a big help!" Mom also has a huge heart when it comes to her dogs so I could also say "Lala is really scared right now and I have to go take a shower. Can you hold her while I get ready for the day? Just pet her and tell her that it is OK that her Mama will be right back?" I am hoping this will help sooth herself as well.

Good luck! And maybe get a lap dog?

My husband has dementia not too bad yet. We do live one moment at a time. He to wants to know where I am. He doesn't read but can. Seems he can't follow thoughts. We went to a movie and he said I've seen this before as he does w/tv. OK! Better not to respond. He sleeps 19 hrs a day but inbetween he'll check to be sure I'm still here. I haven't checked on adult day care but am beginning to feel the need for time out. I know this is something he has no control over, as it's like a loose light bulb. I think of a child lost frightened w/no idea where they are and no secure person there. Hang in there God is with you!

Hello to everyone that has this issue, I call it an issue and not a problem, because ther will come a time when you will wish that they would call you. When parents go through they are feeling abanded if they do not see you or hear you. You are there link to life, so as long as they either see are hear you, then they can feel safe. I f something happens to you, what will they do, so this is why they feel this way. Just go with it, it will not last forever, and when it is over, you will remember this time and wish, you can get it back. Charish them while you can, and love them unconditionally. I hope this helped.

This reminds me of the way things were when my children were toddlers: they were always saying "Mommy, I NEED you", banging on the bathroom door when I went in for a moment, etc. In addition to her dementia, your mother is also visually impaired which must increase her feelings of anxiety and insecurity. It was frustrating to feel that I couldn't have a moment to myself when my children were young but at least then I knew that things would improve as they matured. Unfortunately, with an older person with a degenerative condition, you can only expect the opposite. Will your mother get up and try to find you if you don't respond to her calls by appearing and reassuring her? If she is likely to be safe where she is, you just might have to try to ignore her calls for your attention sometimes, hard as that may be, so that you can get basic things done like cooking, cleaning, showering, going to the bathroom, etc.

Elderly parents don't like their lives and they look to us as their personal pull-toy. They think it's our job to amuse them and make them happy. Newsflash! It ISN'T!

My 93 year old mom does this. She has dementia and I know she feels vulnerable. She also knows I am the one who cooks for her. I f I do have to leave for a few minutes, she runs back to her bed and goes to sleep. She has said she doesn't remember who she is anymore. I always just tell her she lives with us and we love her. She always hugs and kisses me then.

I am also the youngest in our family and am now suddenly "the wise one" because I am my Mothers caretaker. In reality they just do not want to do it. In the 2 years that I have lived here my Mother has gone to stay overnight with my sister (she lives 45 minutes away) 2 times. So generous of my sis to give me an overnight break one time a year. My family will agree to everything that I say and then still do not follow thru. I feel so smothered and they are just happy that it is not them with the job. I know that this is not forever but it truly feels like that at times.

We all need something to look forward to. If my family took her 1 weekend a month she would have something and I would have something to look forward to so I think it would make life a lot easier. I can really take a lot but everything is getting to me and I don't want to say something that is going to hurt someone. Maybe I need help on how to get my family to help me more. Why am I the one in charge of everything just because she lives with me. I'm the youngest!!!

My Mother listens to my phone calls! So weird but I can hear her breathing on the other line. When my brother calls she has to hear every word. I don't really care anymore because I know it is not going to change. When we have children we know that they will become more independent with time - not so with our elderly. They will become MORE dependent so I have to figure out how I am going to cope and truthfully I have developed a lot thicker skin - otherwise I would just be walking around with my feelings hurt all the time because my Mother has no more filters or boundaries with the things she says or her behaviors. I have to leave the house for any privacy and that is what I do. I am pretty lucky because my Mother can be left alone for a few hours but I know that will probably change too. Caregiving is not for the faint of heart or for wimps. Hang in there, nothing is forever.

Oh my, lol, this has made me feel not so alone. Prior to this, I though I was the only one who had a hovering parent! I live with my mom on and off, and I hate when I have to be there because my mom is absolutely suffocating. I'm afforded almost no privacy at all unless I lock myself into the bathroom. I cannot talk on a phone without my mom walking in wanting to know who I am talking to and what I am talking about. I can't make a sandwich without her coming into the kitchen wanting to see what I'm doing. (She then goes about cleaning the "mess" she claims I have left in her kitchen, and for at least 15 minutes she is busy dusting bread crumbs that do not exist off of the counter and into the trash. I can't bring anything at all into the house without it going through "inspection."
I don't think anything my mom does irritates me as much as this hovering thing she does. Particularly bad is when I am working and I turn around to find her standing there behind me. Talk about "stealth", lol. It happens so much that I think she's behind me even when she isn't.
I know I'm kind of making light of my situation in this post, but it truly us aggravating beyond measure and a problem I am trying my best to ignore.