I'm having trouble coping with the day to day problems of caregiving. Any advice?
I have been having a harder time than normal taking care of my mother. She seems to be going downhill, but I don't know how much is real and how much is make-believe. She looks so tired and each step she is taking is like it is going to be her last. She talks about how bad she feels. But if we go to church or to get her hair done, she perks right up. Then she gets home and slips back into the barely living mode.
Yes, it sounds like depression. We've tried some antidepressants. Those that do any change at all make her hypomanic and obsessive, which is more nerve wracking than the depression. The obsessive activity wears her out, so she looks very bad when she is hypomanic. If I give her an extra Ativan, it helps her mood, but she doesn't get enough Ativan each month to do that often.
I'm having problems knowing what to do. I don't know if she is really nearing death. Her vitals say no, she isn't. Going somewhere helps for a while, but it's worse when we get back. I'm starting to worry about leaving her alone when I have to do things, but when I get back she is always fine.
I know she is getting older and closer to death, but I suspect she is dying more in her mind than she is in her body. It is so, so hard to live with someone who is spending each moment dying. I have a feeling there's nothing more I can do, since I do so much already. I just wish there was some way besides Ativan that I could make her want to enjoy life, instead of spending the last of it focused on dying. I hope that makes sense.
Health-wise, like you said, is difficult since your mom likes to pretend. So it's hard to determine when she is and when she's not. Has she had her annual physical done yet? If not, maybe it's time to make an appointment (and then let the doctor know of your concerns.) If she has, then - like Glad said - hospice evaluated?
I feel a lot of sympathy with her. What I think she is missing is any sense of joy. Maybe it is why she likes the Waltons. She would probably love to have a family like that, but didn't know how to build it when she was younger. So she is pretty much alone except me. Unfortunately, she can be very ugly with me and exasperates me completely.
I know there is really no answer. I feel like we're waiting for God, but it is a long and stressful wait. I know there's not really much more I can do. She's not ready for hospice, but she isn't interested in living, either. Probably a lot of people are in the same slowly sinking boat with me. It is hard to watch someone fade away, particularly when you know so much of it is psychogenic. I talk to her about it, but she discounts anything I say as being unknowing. I'm still a child in her mind.
I like problems that have answers. I don't think there are any for this problem except changing Mom's mindset to look for enjoyment in her own life.
I think that sometimes just trying to maintain that approach can be wearing. It is an extremely demanding task, often with no or little appreciation, and it's emotionally and physically draining.
I think one of the most difficult aspects to recognize and accept, even though we probably know it subconsciously, is that we are caregivers but not totally responsible for those aspects we can't give, or generate: attitudes, depression, will to live, motivation, and more. Yet I think we often feel that we need to provide everything for our parents, or at least be responsible for addressing all their issues, moods, outlooks, etc.
Perhaps understanding and defining those different areas is necessary to maintain balance between obligations to ourselves and obligations to our loved ones.
Yesterday was one of those days when I had to keep telling myself that there are things that I can't influence and I can't allow myself to become upset over them. Regardless of how much I try, regardless of what persuasions I use I'm not going to be able to change the situation. Yet I can't accept the wa it is as it's not healthy. So what do I do?
You're in the same position, I think.
Reaching that balance between what we can do and what we can't (and need to just accept) is a treacherous journey marked by self-doubt, self-recrimination, questioning, evaluation, frustration and sometimes despair. It's a bad road to take. If I could do it over, I would choose a less treacherous road, but I didn't know then what I know now.
I don't know if I can really make any suggestions, other than to try to focus on what you can effect and control, and what you can't. And remember the inevitable law of mortality; it ends sometime....we can make the journey better, safer, more pleasant, but we never really know when that journey will end and we'll suddenly be released from the emotional conflicts accompanying the journey.
Take a break, right now! Go for a walk, watch and listen to the birds, watch the butterflies....and tonight, watch for the fireflies and marvel at the infiniteness of the night sky.
I know there is nothing more I can do. I can try to get her to do more than I do now, but I think it is better to take the focus off her. I think that is what you are trying to say, GA. Thanks. (I'll have to put off the walk until it cools down some. What does sound good is to go to an ice cream parlor and kick back with a cone. But sigh, then I would start thinking about the calories and my thickening waist. Why do good things have to be so fattening?)
Sometimes a bit of sugary food makes things seem better, or at least not so worse.
I think you're right about the options though - these caregiving situations are often not a choice of what's best, but what's the least worst option? Maybe that's a better way to view the situation - identify the worst case options and move backward to find something better.
Sometimes I think that when people reach a certain age, after a variety of health issues as well as the slow down that accompanies aging, they just decide to sit back and glide toward the end. We the caregivers are the ones suffering the angst over what can be done to help them.
Now, go have that ice cream and do some exercise tomorrow when it's cooler.
People shouldn't have to live this way.
Before this happened, dad and I would have a yelling fest. That throwing of the bowl was something NEW in his behavior. And I refused to be degraded by bending down and cleaning his mess. I know this game. I've had it done to me on my previous job. Boss threw the trash on the floor and then ordered me to pick it up and throw it in the trashcan. I did. The whole office went quiet as everyone watched it played out. As I bent down to pick up the trash, he continued to throw more trash on the floor. You see, I kept standing up to him and refusing to do a job that was NOT what I signed up for. From office work to going to the shipping port, ensure the big tuna fishing company packed the fish right, follow them to the airport cargo. If the container breaks apart at cargo, it's not the airline's employees job to re-tape it. That would have been MY job. Hello???? I did Not sign up to do that kind of job. And he didn't like it. He was 'teaching me a lesson.' I went home that night, typed my resignation letter and gave it to him the next day. I gave him the usual 2 weeks notice of termination. He kept asking me to please stay on until he found my replacement. No. 2 weeks and I'm gone. On my last day, he still didn't find a replacement.
I love vegetable soup - with some meat in it, though.
Worst of all, I and my younger sisters have almost no memory of our childhood.
(((HUGS))) to both of you, and all the others who have managed to rise above their personal challenges and become "good people". While is is not easy to watch those who once loved and cared for us crumble and disappear before our eyes, to care for those who may not deserve your love and devotion must earn you a special place in the hereafter.
I think the lesson I'm learning in working through this is that we can't live life for another person. We can accommodate their physical needs and do things for them that they will do. If they're not going to be happy, though, we can't devote our lives to trying to make them that way. It won't work. All we'll do is make ourselves unhappy. There's only so much we can give.
Book had it much worse than me. My mother and father were kind of nothing. They put food on the table and got us off to school. The rest was up to us. I guess you would call it nearly complete neglect. I don't know if they could have done any better. Both had some serious mental issues they never dealt effectively with.
You can't change her but you can change the way you react to her behavior just like Book did.if that is what helps.
Is it you who has the rabbit? Would having another pet like a very small dog take her interest. You could take it to the ice cream stand and have it eat half that would cut down your callories and get you out for some needed exercise.
I know she is unpleasant at times probably most of the time but she just does not have the desire or skills to change her ways. Why should she she gets all her basic needs met and being able to piss you off is her last little bit of control. You sound like an excellent caregiver you are just unlucky not to have a sweet little old lady rocking by the fireside waiting for the paper so she can read the obits and then the funnys and after that waiting for her beautiful dinner served on a Dresden plate with a small glass of whine. Well we can all dream can't we?
Another point about your parents, you say they both had unresolved mental issues well now there is no one to cancel her out and no sparing partner to take her agression out on so you are next in line. not helpful but i think if youcan figure out what is causing something it makes it easier to figure out a way to deal with it. You are not going to h*ll and horns are not allowed on A/C because they won't fit in our helmets.
And from some of the posts on here, it's pretty clear to me that some caregivers also channel their anger directly at the people for whom they're caring.
These caregiving situations are like lightning in a thunderstorm - it's likely going to strike, the question is where, can it be rechanneled and how can the parties involved protect themselves?
I noted your mother perks up and behaves differently when she gets her hair done or is at church. I'm not sure if that's because she really does enjoy the socialization, or because she wants to demonstrate that she's still a great person.
Either way, I'm wondering if there's some way you could increase her social interaction, notwithstanding the fact that she's generally a hermit.
Perhaps you could invite some of the women you know from the senior center over for coffee or lemonade, and serve a light lunch as well. I rather doubt your mother would throw food around when they're there. They might be kind of your "troops" to help create a more congenial atmosphere in which your mother can "showboat".
Remember too that you're not alone. I daresay that most caregivers have gone through situations when their charges have been rude or unkind to them, for whatever reasons. It's unfair and it's hurtful.
Don't let your mother's responses and manipulation drag you down. Think of how many people post here with issues that clearly demonstrate their disinterest in taking care of their parent(s). You've gone way beyond what would be expected for a daughter.
And above all, don't forget that you're providing her with the best care possible for this stage of her life. Just doing that in and of itself is worthy of praise. Now, pat yourself on the back!
Today started on a bad note. Mom took her bp when she got up. It was 173/83. She wanted me to take her to the doctor right away. I told her it wasn't a good bp, but not an emergency. She got angry that I didn't go into emergency mode. I did call her doctor's office a few minutes later to schedule some lab work for her UTI next week. She has a slight bladder infection and is on cipro. Fortunately, the UTI hasn't put her over the edge this time. I don't think it is contributing at all to her emotions.
I thought about her alarm over her bp this morning. My mother is a major hypochrondriac. We went to the doctor Monday and she has asked to go three days since then for various reasons. I think I understand it better now. I believe she feels that if she can control her body's numbers and feelings then she will continue to live. So she obsessively inventories herself for problems and takes her vitals several times a day. A little deviation can put her into emergency mode. For example, she'll take her sugar and see it's 200 and alert me she needs to see a doctor. I'll tell her she ate something an hour before, so it's not unusual for it to be higher. Sometimes I wish she would stop dwelling on herself and just live a little, instead of worrying about the grim reaper.
I'm getting ready to go out for the afternoon just to get away and get some exercise. It is still okay to leave her alone. I have sympathy for the people who can't leave without getting in a caregiver. THAT would be hard.
We do want to do things to make them happy and entertained, but after a while we learn it doesn't work. After a few up moments, it's back down right away, often lower than it was before. If a person is unable to be happy, nothing we can do will make them that way. So we do the best we can and hope we don't get lost in the unhappiness ourselves.
I think the second paragraph of your last message sums up the situation in which many of us find ourselves. There's only so much that can be done, things will never be perfect, and we need to find some level at which we accept that we've done all we can.
Enjoy your respite time!
Out the door to enjoy myself on this warm southern day.
Then, to take her worry away, re-take her B/P in 5-10 minutes, be sure to tell her she must have taken it wrong.
What kind of ice cream? Chocolate chip chocolate by Haagen-Daz, the best!
But more seriously, JessieBelle, since the SSRI approach does not agree with her ask the doc about Buspar (buspirone) or even low dose benzodiazepine (Ativan is one, Tranxene, Valium, Xanax are others) to be used chronically. Or maybe if her heart could handle it, one of the old fashioned antidepressants that can be taken in low dose at bedtime. Anxiety and depression are both contagious and I'm worried the holes in your modified helmet might let some in. Give her some PJ days but not every day. Maybe you need a couple of PJ days too.