I have been having a harder time than normal taking care of my mother. She seems to be going downhill, but I don't know how much is real and how much is make-believe. She looks so tired and each step she is taking is like it is going to be her last. She talks about how bad she feels. But if we go to church or to get her hair done, she perks right up. Then she gets home and slips back into the barely living mode.
Yes, it sounds like depression. We've tried some antidepressants. Those that do any change at all make her hypomanic and obsessive, which is more nerve wracking than the depression. The obsessive activity wears her out, so she looks very bad when she is hypomanic. If I give her an extra Ativan, it helps her mood, but she doesn't get enough Ativan each month to do that often.
I'm having problems knowing what to do. I don't know if she is really nearing death. Her vitals say no, she isn't. Going somewhere helps for a while, but it's worse when we get back. I'm starting to worry about leaving her alone when I have to do things, but when I get back she is always fine.
I know she is getting older and closer to death, but I suspect she is dying more in her mind than she is in her body. It is so, so hard to live with someone who is spending each moment dying. I have a feeling there's nothing more I can do, since I do so much already. I just wish there was some way besides Ativan that I could make her want to enjoy life, instead of spending the last of it focused on dying. I hope that makes sense.
I can't enjoy PJ days. I have to get up and dressed or I feel terrible. I do give myself some goof off mornings, however. I'm afraid that some of the depression has already broken through to me, but I keep fighting it back with sunshine and people. People are the best antidepressants for me.
One thing I will be glad for is if this muggy heat wave passes. Birmingham has such high humidity that it's hard to be outside long when it's above 90. I would love to be able to get outside more. Long walks always help. Going to the gym just isn't the same.
I also have been getting the show boating when mom's in public. Life was never so grand, she's so fortunate being her age & feeling so wonderful & so very lucky to have such a wonderful daughter caring for her! (Ok, so I won't argue with that last part. LOL) At home, her neck hurts, her foot hurts, she's not hungry, I'm terribly mean & her life sucks...she just wants to "go back home" to the town where my brother lives because "I had such fun there, going out with my friends, doing things, visiting with all the neighbors..." Thing is, she's mourning a life that hasn't existed for at least a decade. She hasn't driven for many years so was stuck in the house, staring at 4 walls for 4 days a week wgile I worked. She used to bowl with 3 other senior ladies but when the only bowling alley in our farm community shut down she refused to ride along with the other ladies to an alley 30 miles away. And the neighbors she claimed she visited with all the time....we sat in the midst of 150 acres & they sat on 85 acres....we never saw them!! Thank God I have this farm to run & find solace in doing so or I think I would have lost every shred of sanity I ever had. And, of course, an occasional half-pint of Ben & Jerry's doesnt hurt, either...especially in this Missouri heat!
OzarkOlly, I am usually very accommodating about most things. I really don't mind if she doesn't want to eat or if she prefers to watch TV. I feel like it is her decision about what makes her comfortable. The thing that bothers me is the lack of respect. I know her mind does not work right, but it does get tiresome to be attacked so often. The worst is when she comes up with tasks that don't make sense or factitious illnesses, then goes on the attack because I'm not doing something about it. She starts doing this anytime I sit still for more than a few minutes. She'll come up with a project that makes no sense, then get mad if I say no, I'm not going to do that. The anger starts about me not caring what happens to her or the house. I've learned to say nothing at all or to try to change the subject. She won't let up. Sometimes I think her real goal is to see how many porcupine pins she can stick in me before I'll get up and leave. I really do think she would prefer to live alone, but can't.
Talking of ice cream -- Blue Bell is making its way back to the market. I hope it will be soon. I love Blue Bell and sure have missed it.
Over time she has lost the ability to do many things. She is getting older and not as healthy. So I take over things that I know are too hard for her now. She is still cooking her own breakfast and doing some of her laundry. She also washes dishes after dinner. I wouldn't want to serve guests from those dishes because they aren't so clean, but I don't say anything.
Ree, as to how to know what they can & can't do: trial and error. Some days my mother gets her shoes & socks on just fine by herself; others I have to do it all. Depends on how.she is feeling. When she first moved in with me a couple years ago I tried to do more than I should have which caused a lot of friction and comments about 'doing it YOUR WAY'. My son chastised me one day he was here for dinner and I realized she was doing the few dishes that didn't go in the dishwasher, while the rest of the family was visiting. I grumbled 1. because she was missing out with the family, and more important to me 2. I knew I'd have to re-wash most of them later, and he said to let her feel useful. Big lesson there. I can get her weekly pill box done in half the time it takes her, but it is something she can still do (even though I supervise). She is still in control and has an idea of what meds she is taking. She cooks her breakfast but I have to leave the room or occupy myself somehow, as her shuffling back and forth, forgeting one thing or another, drives me nuts - and it takes her forever! Her oatmeal is cold by the time she gets the toast. I used to try to help, but realized it was not a good thing. She was losing her self-confidence. Tricky, but we all figure it out as we go. Only to have it change the next day! Keeps us on our toes...
She will eat when she wants food and then she will ask and btw she won't be at death's door yet! Only the good die young!
... but wait. Does that mean that us good ones are going to die soon? (sniff)
Take care of yourself. I know it seems impossible, but very necessary. Good luck and God Bless!
Today I haven't been much of a daughter. I thought back over the last few years. She hasn't done any real work at the house in 6 years now. Even back into the early 00s she didn't do any work in the house. I was only around once or twice a year, but each year the house became more of a horded clutter. Three rooms were impassible. Today I was watching her sitting, watching TV, thinking about all the years she has been "dying" and too sick to work. I realized that all of her life had been spent pretty much doing nothing while others straightened up around her if they were there. It made me feel so used. I've been trying to lift myself over the feeling by saying that I need to continue to do the things around the house for my own comfort and to not dwell on her use/abuse of a daughter. She started calling me to come home in the late 1990s because they probably wouldn't live another year. Thank goodness I didn't! Here we are nearly 20 years later and she is still healthy enough.
It is a troubling thought that a parent may be using a child as free slave labor. It's a black thought that has come out more and more as time wears on. I guess if it is true I'll just have to let the Lord deal with it when time comes and keep doing things that I need to do to keep life together here.
I'll leave it the my executor brother to sort through and hope the bank has all of them under her SSN (instead of father's) when she dies.