Things have gotten worse. I tried to have less contact with my abusive mom. She lies, makes false allegations. Many of you warned me, she’s dangerous for me.
It’s gotten worse.
My aunt and mom live together. It’s their house. My aunt decided to give me her half of the house. She wants to get going with the transfer. My mom said she’ll do everything to stop that from happening, including maybe injuring someone.
My aunt wants to go ahead anyway.
It’s a crazy situation. I did try to get away some days ago, less contact with my mom, but then my aunt had a medical crisis. I helped. Then my aunt wants to give me half the house. Now my mom is very angry. She doesn’t want that.
Is it a good idea to own half of a house with your abuser? Can your Mom buy the rest of the house? If not, maybe your Aunt needs to contact a real estate attorney and ask what her options are for selling. It would be best for both of them to sell the house at the same time. I'm thinking that's the "cleanest" solution but surely won't be easy.
Think this through so you don't make a move that will compound the mess.
Or, your Aunt waits out your Mother as she declines. Is anyone her PoA? Once she's incapacitated then there would be other options that are then beyond your Mom's control or interference.
If your Mom threatens to injure you the automatic response should be to call 911 and report the threat. Then maybe next time she'll watch what she says to you. If it were any other person, you'd call 911...right? If she does it enough maybe then she'll be diagnosed as incapacitated. Make sure to video her aggressive behavior if you can.
“Can your Mom buy the rest of the house?”
Can you explain please what you mean?
Do you mean does she have the money to do it?
I think my mom will try to report me. I contacted friends, who can support me. They know my mom is cruel to me. My aunt can witness that it’s not true that I do wrong things.
My mom will probably try to report that I’m abusing her. Today we talked about the house at lunchtime. My mom on purpose didn’t eat. Then she said I prevented her from eating.
“Don't co-own a house with anyone, especially your abuser. It's a pain when one of you wants to get out from under it.”
You say: Really? I actually liked the idea of owning it. I wanted to buy the other half. My mom said she’ll never give/sell it to me.
Why on earth would you want to own a home with your MOTHER who you say is so abusive & cruel towards you and trying to harm you?
You say, "My mom will probably try to report that I’m abusing her. Today we talked about the house at lunchtime. My mom on purpose didn’t eat." What more proof do you need that your mother is out to harm you and that you need to stay away????
You say you're 'trying' to cut down your visits, meaning you're not doing anything actively. "Trying" is not doing. Get your aunt to hire someone to look after her so YOU don't have to do ANYTHING to associate yourself with the 'evil' and dysfunctional mother you have such issues with. That is how you stay away from the hot stove that keeps burning you. You just don't go near it.
We can keep advising you to go no contact with your mother, but it's up to you to take that advice.
As far as 'giving you half a house' is concerned, tell your aunt to bequeath it to you in her will. That share of the house will be yours upon her death. To talk about these details to your mother while she is still alive is to add fuel to a raging fire, and it makes less than NO sense to do such a thing. Your mother has mental illness issues and obviously doesn't want to see you interacting with your aunt, either. The best advice you can get is to stay away from both of them.
Lastly, I suggest you contact an Elder Care attorney for legal advice in addition to the common sense advice you've gotten here. Perhaps s/he can help you understand what legal trouble your mother is capable of getting you into if you keep up your contact with her.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck protecting YOURSELF in this situation. That's what really counts. Don't underestimate the ability of a mentally ill person to wreak havoc on your life.
I don’t want to break contact with my aunt.
“Don't underestimate the ability of a mentally ill person to wreak havoc on your life.”
I know my mom is capable of a lot.
House:
My aunt can’t will it to me. Then it would go to other people who take priority over me.
I’m stressed. My mind is not clear. I’m not sure what to do. I thought I should go ahead with the house now, but you’re warning me against it.
Where is the rest of the family? Someone who has some sense needs to step in and take control of this mess, you are not capable.
Good Luck.
I find it hard to believe she is not messed up like your mom. Because if she was a good person and cared about your well being she would tell you to run, far away.
Now she is causing trouble with this selling you half of the house nonsense
Since mom is part owner it just teethers you to mom until death do you part. Not to mention it may cause issues should aunt have to go into skilled nursing and get on Medicaid or whatever.
Tell aunt no thank you regarding the house. Tell her if she wants to leave you her half to write a damn will and if you get part if the house when she dies great if not who cares.
Peace of mind is better than dealing with either of these two dysfunctional vipers.
She’s a good person. She has said that. She recently had a medical crisis. I’m still helping her.
“Now she is causing trouble with this selling you half of the house nonsense”
Not selling. She wants to give her half to me.
My mind isn’t clear. Too much stress. I can’t figure out what to do.
A good book on the MANY pitfalls in co-owning a house is the NOLO Press “Saving the Family Cottage”
It is written about vacation properties, but covers issues like what if one owner wants to live in it and one wants to sell, what if everyone doesn’t agree on maintenance and improvements, what if someone doesn’t pay their share of the bills, …
Get a copy from your library and browse through it.
Co-owning with an abuser is worse because it gives you more to argue about. You are already concerned about false accusations, why risk sabotage (non payment of taxes/insurance/city or HOA fines/contractors, deliberate damage to the home, alienation of the neighbors, etc.)?
You don’t sound like you are ready to force a sale and take the money and go no contact.
It’s possible. We looked at it.
“You don’t sound like you are ready to force a sale and take the money and go no contact.”
I’m not interested in the money. If it must be sold, I want the money to go to my aunt and mom.
“why risk sabotage (non payment of taxes/insurance/city or HOA fines/contractors, deliberate damage to the home, alienation of the neighbors, etc.)?”
You’re right about this :(.
My mom is threatening many things to try to stop my aunt from giving it to me.
She didn’t mention your examples, but you’re right.
I am wondering if Aunt’s medical emergency is the cause of all of this. Perhaps she is thinking seriously about end of life, knows that Mother will not treat you well, and the house conversations are about her wish to look after you. However it is very unclear legally - there's a good chance that none of you understand it.
I want to say again (sorry to be boring) that you need to work out if Aunt wants to stay with Mother, or if Aunt wants to live in the house even though she doesn’t get on with mother. If it’s ‘stay with mother’ this is all too hard. If it’s ‘live in the house’, it’s quite possible that as well as caring about the house, she has no idea what a good alternative would be, and is overwhelmed by the idea of trying to organise a move. You have some options in this last scenario where you could help.
My aunt has a lawyer. Transfer of property happening very soon. Her half. No problem to do it.
But my mom is trying to stop it: threatening, etc.
Aunt and mom want to live in house. Neither wants to move.
You want to inherit that half, not have it given to you, because if she gives it to you now, you inherit your aunt's cost basis and that could cost you a lot of money in taxes. Example: If she and your mom bought the house for say, $100,000 and now it's worth $250,000, when you sell, you'll have to pay capital gains taxes on your half of the $150,000 profit because it's as if you bought the house for the original $100,000 with your mom.
If you inherit it instead, upon your aunt's death, you get a new cost basis for your half of the house, and it's what the house is worth the day she dies. If she dies when the house is worth $250,000 on the day Auntie dies, then your half of the proceeds are only taxed on how much more you sell it for over $250,000. If you sell it even close to that $250,000, you probably won't owe taxes, but your mom would owe taxes on her half above the original $100,000 purchase price.
I know if sounds confusing, but consult a tax person if need be. You absolutely do not want real estate given to you before the gifter dies. It can cost you a fortune.
No really, my aunt is a good person. She only wants to give it to me if I want it.
Are you in the U.S. or elsewhere?
I DO understand that you wish to maintain ties with your Aunt. But it's possible that if you don't live in the US, where one is presumed innocent, that your mother could cause you a great deal of legal trouble.
If you DO live in the US, the Aunt can change her will. And she doesn't have to tell your "mother".
Have you started working with a therapist yet?
I don't remember your previous post, or if I answered it. I don't know what your state of mind is, how old you are, if you are capable of working. All these things are important to know in order to give you a good reply.
Being me, by the sound of this complication, I'd put a rocket in my butt, stand with my back to your mom and her sister's house and light the thrusters.
Initially while reading your post I thought - Boy these are ingredients for a good 1950's crime drama. Look at the dangerous combo we have here. Jealousy, possibly greed, and possibly revenge. And are you sure your aunt likes you?
Think about it. Your aunt knows this offer ticks off your mom. And I believe you know living with your mom would be a nightmare. Why would you do that? Why would your aunt put you in that position? Who knows maybe they were just blowing off steam.
If your mom were healthy mentally and emotionally, a gift to you from her sister should thrill her and fill her heart with gratitude and happiness but it sounds like (1) your mom has a hair up her bottom about you or her sister, or maybe she's terrified about living alone, and (2) she maybe fiercely jealous. To this all that remains to be added is some garden variety greed and the fuse of no return is lit.
If everything were perfect, or near perfect, as an adult, you should not want to live with mom. I'd never say that I'd rather live in the windowless basement apartment below a fertilizer company before I'd live with my mom but I'd live simply and contentedly in a one room efficiency forever rather than put myself in the position you're considering especially as your mom is threatening and unstable.
Please see if a counselor could help direct you. Most things are black and white if you pause and think things over, maybe with paper and pencil, like …what can you afford? Can you count on your source of income. Do you have your own health insurance or are you on your mom's health plan? What living arrangements would delight your heart. Where would you feel safe.
I sometimes imagine, were I free, would I like to live in the city, or up on a mountain, in the country, or by the sea? Do I need public transportation? Would I like to live near a library, or a community college to take a course from time to time, and hear lectures, see college theater and attend concerts. Is being close to a community recreation center important to me, or is seeing as many sunsets as I can from a balcony by myself important. Not everything but most things listed here interest me. I'd research possible places and visit before I made a leap.
Do you have a good solid friend that you might be able to share this adventure or to share rent.
Whatever you do, know that it's okay to pull away from irritations even if it's mom.
My vote is that inheritance good. Given half of a house, no good.
Best of luck.
“Get away. Way away.”
Yes.
By the way, I won’t live with my mom. The house is for them. I would use the house after my mom no longer wants to use it.
I have my own home.
The only ‘help’ is to document Mother’s threats as they happen, for evidence of her behavior if and when she makes a formal accusation.
This describes it exactly.
“The only ‘help’ is to document Mother’s threats as they happen, for evidence of her behavior if and when she makes a formal accusation.”
Thanks, right. I’ve started doing that.
THANKS to all of you on this forum, for your help in this chaos, horrible situation.
How is ownership set up. If one dies, does the other inherit the other half. If so, then that agreement can't be overridden IMO.
Who inherits Moms half if not the Aunt. You would need to deal with them in the end.
You need to walk away. This is a very toxic situation and Aunt is playing into it.
My mom leaves the house about twice a year. She’s very healthy. About two doctor appointments per year.
“Who inherits Moms half if not the Aunt. You would need to deal with them in the end.”
This is right.