My mother forgot to put the phone down after speaking to me and I heard her telling the Carer I was not a nice person and other things about me, basically running me down. I was really hurt and angry as I have done all the running about for her. All she is interested in is causing trouble between my son and I.
I phoned her up and told her I’m done with her as I am hurt at the things she was saying about me, she is 82 and I know people will say it’s her age but I can’t forgive her. She tells my son everything and puts him on a pedestal. Are all old ones like this?
Has your mom always been dismissive and cruel or is this new in her old age?
No, not all elders are like this. My mom, with Vascular Dementia was pleasant and appreciative until she died.
I would step back and re-evaluate what you are doing for her. I think having home health aides coming in, paid for by her, could be a great idea right now.
YOU have as much right to say "no" to a caregiving situation that doesn't suit as she does.
Perhaps if you read up more and educate yourself more on dementia/Alzheimer's it may help you better understand your mom, and why she says and does the things she does. Teepa Snow has some great videos on You Tube you can watch as well. If everyone caring for someone with either dementia or Alzheimer's would take everything negative ever said to them personally and want to stop with the care, there would be no one left to care for these folks. It happens all the time, so you're going to have to either get over it, or find someone else to take over the duties you had been doing for her.
Life is too short. You certainly don't want something happening to your mom, and you then have to live with regrets.
Was your mother always like this?
and
Does your mother suffer from dementia?
My Aunt Connie had advanced Alzheimer's disease and was 95, and nearly catatonic. She was STILL able to tell her daughter how miserable she was in the AL she lived at and how the daughter was 'so awful' for not having taken her in to live with her, wheelchair bound and deadweight, requiring 2 caregivers to move her. She died in 2013 and my cousin is STILL suffering guilt as a result of her mother's words.
My own mother, with vascular dementia at 94, keeps finding it necessary to tell me that if it wasn't for "your father, I would have had children and grandchildren of my own." She adopted me at 3 months old. Do you think those words are the result of her 'broken brain' or the fact that she still bitterly regrets never having biological children of her own? She never would have uttered those words to me before the dementia set in; nowadays, the filter is gone, that's all.
In any event, whether your mother 'means' what she says or not, the words still sting. I get it. For your own sake, it's best to move past the hurtful words and try to maintain some semblance of a relationship with your mother for both of your sakes. That's not to say you should continue running yourself ragged on her behalf, however; delegate more to the paid caregivers and just go over to visit her for brief periods and keep things light & fluffy.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
If they were nice before, they will be nice after
If they were mean before, they will be after
If they were nice before but mean after, they were really mean
before but were good at covering it up.
As said, try to chalk it up to the Dementia. They lose the ability to reason and show empathy/appreciation. Maybe it would be good to step back. If Mom needs anything then tell her to ask her grandson. And if he says anything to you, tell him you are taking a break and why. Don't allow him to berate you. Your his Mom and he needs to respect that. Stand up for yourself. If they get mad, oh well.