Mom is in rehab/SNF for 3 weeks now after a fall injury and is running out of medicare coverage. The cost to stay at 50% is over $6k a month, more than her pension/SSI provides even without including the cost of her living expenses (mortgage, ins, etc.). She has no LTC insurance or secondary medicare plans. She has a pension plan health insurance as well but they will not cover any of this type of care.
If she needs long term facility care I may not be able to afford to stay in this state. I don't even make 30k annually right now and have my own chronic health issues. I moved into her house a little less than a year ago to help take care of her and also to help myself save money, but she took a fall and is now very incapacitated. I can't afford to stay in this area if I can't stay in her house rent free right now (LI NY). There is no chance I can afford her house expense of over $1700/month not including utilities.
No one has given me any idea of why her cognitive function declined so much or any idea if there's a chance she could recover. At first they said a few weeks and the delirium will wear off but it's been almost a month and no improvement. She doesn't recognize when she's wet the diaper and has hallucinations of people being out to get her or hurting her causing her to be uncooperative at times. They said she can go to the bathroom with assistance, but she never calls for them. She understands where she is sometimes but other times she forgets and completely lost the ability to use her cell phone.
I can't take on caregiving anymore, I'm extremely burnt out on life in general and drained all my savings years ago when I quit my job to help her get to a state of independence years ago after a stroke. I moved back out hoping monthly visits and aides were enough, but it wasn't. My credit score has declined as well even while here without rent because of bills/debts I can't afford to pay off. I want to have hope she can come home but I don't see how. I feel a horrible mixture of emotions about this situation. I am almost 30 and every future goal I had has been completely derailed by both our health issues. I'm not married, no kids, and no other living family.
I'm going to try and find an elder law attorney as my next step, but I just feel so defeated by this. She was doing pretty well with part-time aides and now we're at a point where it might never be safe for her to come home. I have no other living relatives, just family friends who cannot provide me with housing or the amount of financial support I'd need to stay in the area.
We were planning to speak to a lawyer soon to review her will and determine what we might want to consider to protect her assets, but that never happened because we both had a lot of health issues to deal with. She has a will but it's still got a family friend on it as the executor from when I was a minor. If she has to spend all of her money on healthcare she will lose this house fast and I will not be able to stay anywhere close to here. I visit her daily and the facility is a quick drive.
Any ideas, support, advice, experiences, etc. are welcome. I'm suffering from insomnia after getting the letter about her rehab not being covered soon and I feel overwhelmed by what may need to be done.
I’m more worried about you . You can not take care of Mom . You need to be able to work . Start looking for a room to rent in someone’s home , or even a basement studio apt. or someone looking to split rent in a two bed apt . I hope you can find a job that pays more as well . I’m originally from LI NY . Left nearly 20 years ago . There are cheaper places to live a few hours away. Consider moving off the Island , and visit Mom once or twice a month . You need to take care of you . The nursing home will take care of Mom .
Your mother should have a social worker at the rehab where she is staying to help sort out the options. In no case should you be paying for your mother's care! If she were in a facility, you could go back to work, which should be a high priority, and you can certainly make enough to rent an apartment; initially, you might qualify for Section 8 housing, although there are usually waiting lists. I know that a house is involved, but while this is not usually required by Medicaid, it sounds like the house should probably be sold to pay for your mother's initial long-term care while she is applying for Medicaid. Again, your first step should be to meet with your mother's social worker. She almost certainly has been assigned one at the rehab.
Talk to the Social Worker at the facility about applying for Medicaid.
You did not make your mom sick nor can you fix her. The only person you can fix is yourself, and I hope you'll do just that as you have a whole lot of living yet to do.
Time to sell moms home, get her on Medicaid and yourself as well for the time being, and get mom placed in the appropriate facility, and find yourself a new place to live, even if it's just a room that you rent until you get back on your feet.
You are NOT responsible for your moms care just FYI, so speak to the rehab social worker and let them know that your mom will need to be placed in a facility and Medicaid will have to be applied for. They will help you with all that.
I wish you the very best in getting your mom the care she now requires and in getting your life back on track so you can make your mom proud by showing her just how resilient you are despite the adverse circumstances.
That's part of the "adulting" game of life.
God bless you.
Bubbla, you have a lot going on right now but you are young! You are also obviously hardworking, compassionate and smart. As you know all too well, caregiving can grind a person down. Add any new or preexisting health issues to that and of course a person would be burned out and feeling overwhelmed.
This crisis is horrible and I’m so sorry for your mother’s illness. However, things were headed for a change eventually anyway. Your mom’s care was becoming too much for one caregiver. And you at age 29 need and deserve your own life, money, goals and dreams! I hope you can start moving towards that.
Thinking of you. 😊
2. It is sounding to me, from what you say, that mom is not fully diagnosed. Can you ask for records to be certain she has had a full neuro/psyc evaluation? SNF/Rehab social workers should be able to help with this.
3. Please do not spend any of your money. That would be a dire mistake. In all of this you are almost certainly going to be left homeless and jobless. We see this often and we sometimes have to recommend women's shelters to our OPs. You need to preserve your own funds like they are gold because you may soon not be able to stay in mom's home.
4. As TO mom's home: you say "There is no chance I can afford her house expense of over $1700/month". What does that mean? Does that mean mom still has a mortgage on this home? Or that mom is RENTING a home.
Mom needs placement. She should go into placement, placed NOW with the help of the social workers. Explore Board and Care and all options. If mom has funds she starts as private pay. If she has no funds she starts as Medicaid which again the social workers will help you apply for.
You yourself, if you have POA or guardianship that allows it, should consider sale of mom's home to provide her with funds for her care if there is equity in the home.
You will likely end in middle age, seeking a job (consider getting minimal training as caregiver and hiring on for that as you are more qualified for it), and seeking housing perhaps first renting a room in someone's home.
You are up against it here. You are correct that you need to buy an hour of an elder law attorney's time to give them all of the facts (mom's assets and your own and your skills and mom's mental capacity and your poa facts and etc) and asking him for guidance and options.
I am so sorry. You do need good expert guidance now. That is trained social workers where mom is currently and an elder law attorney for an hour time.
Very best of luck and hope you will update us as you move along in all this.
Do know that falls can often indicate the beginning of the end; did for my own mom and I am a nurse. Just saying; hope it's not true, but it may be.
Good luck B.
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