My in-laws are gradually becoming old and dependent. I do not share a good bond with them. I find them manipulative and argumentative, causing observable stress in my body and mind after I have spent a few days with them. They disrespect boundaries, treat me disdainfully, and take receiving care as their right. Luckily, my wife and I live overseas, so I have managed to control my exposure to them. I cannot envision myself caring for them beyond a couple of days.
Unfortunately, my wife has a very anxious attachment with her parents, especially her mother. Their communication involves a deep sense of obligation and duty. My wife has been placing unrealistic demands on herself to take care of her parents in emotions and actions, making me feel secondary. Now that my in-laws are getting more and more dependent, they have become a constant thought in the mind of my wife. She has told me several times that she would like to take more care of them by moving in with them back to our home country. I told her that I would not move with her if she decided to do so.
I am worried that she will be able to deal with the stress of that move by herself. And that will build moral pressure on me to go there, because the situation would become too messy not to care. I am also worried that our marriage will suffer regardless of if I move there or not.
On some days, when I am in worry mode, I also dread the day when my wife might want to move one of my in-laws with us. Do you have any suggestions about how I should tell my wife that she will find her move to be with her parents stressful because of their personalities? And how do I ensure that my message is loud and clear that I am unwilling to join her with her parents regardless of how it unfolds?
I also want to thank this community for the empathy and support that I have received merely by reading other forum discussions.
You could have her read what you wrote here, and strong-fully request you BOTH ( together ) go to marriage counseling . Have the marriage counselor also read what you wrote , which states your very valid concerns.
You wife is being controlled by FOG,
fear , obligation , guilt .
Good Luck .
You've done well by drawing a boundary with her, but it won't be easy to dislodge her FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that has been ground into her since birth. I would spend time with her coming up with care solutions for her parents that do not involve living with them.
Her parents haven't even thought of alternatives because they have a set expectation and no reason to think otherwise. They will slowly need to be disabused of this notion. Just stand your ground.
Do either you/your wife or your in-laws live in the US? This matters as to what type of advice is given regarding what support options are available to her parents. Is there a language barrier? Is your wife actually either of their PoA? etc. Helping her figure out solutions in advance will go along way to allay her fears and also subtly enforce that none of the options includes either of you living with them to provide care.
You can also find several of the many posts on this forum written by adult children of immigrant or overseas parents and the stress that it wreaked on their marriages, lives and finances.
I wish you all the best as you work through this challenge together.
Your going to need to be honest. You cannot live with your in-laws and why. That you feel it will effect her mentally and physically. That they need to find options in the country where they live.
There may already be family in place in the other country to take on care.
However, your wife is expressing herself willing to leave her husband and her home to move in with her parents, and it seems to me that there may be a bit more to this. I can only recommend that you seek marital counseling. Your wife is expressing her choices to you now, early, before indicating she would move. I think that you already know you do not wish to make the move with her; nor would I.
In order to attempt to save your marriage I think a deep honesty between the two of you is now necessary. I think it is time for counseling where each of you can honestly say where you are and what you choices may be in future in this regard. And it may be necessary to speak honestly about where you are in a marriage where your wife would choose a return to country and family with or without you.
I am sorry. You are both being honest with one another, it seems, and that's the upside of all this. Not everything can be fixed; not everything has an answer. Your wife may have fantasies of returning to her home. This may be a deeper issue than aging parents.
Anyway, I had asked my parents that when the time came that they needed to have a caregiver, would they want someone who was a senior citizen? They said no. Would they want someone who didn't like to cook? No, again. Would they want someone who couldn't pick them up if they fell? Nope. Would they want someone who was not experienced at being a caregiver? Again, no. Then.... I said "well, that person would be me". That helped opened their eyes. Mahen31098, not knowing your wife's age, this may apply to her with regard to her parents.
Some parents are in denial that their offspring could also be a senior citizen, as parents still view us as "children" who can do anything. Yes, I could lift 20 bags of mulch year after year, but I can't do that any more. My folks would look at me like my hair was on fire when I said no.
Remind her of this.
If your wife will put her parents neddiness before you, I am sorry to say your marriage is over and the two of you should either get divorced or live apart.
Make her understand and be emphatic about it that you will not live with her parents for any reason or under any circumstances.
Then the choice will be up to her. Either she lives with you or she lives with her parents. Not both.
I hope you know that you're not wrong to say 'no' to them moving in or you relocating to live with them. Please don't let your wife or anyone else to guilt-trip you into it because you will regret it.
It's not a cultural thing either. It's a pretty straight forward choice. Either your wife lives with you or she lives with her parents.