My husband has been in the hospital and I told the case worker he needs to be placed in a NH. She tells me they cannot place him if he refuses, and she asked the doctor if he had capacity. She says the doctor said yes, he does so you will need to talk to your husband about it.
So he calls and I told him he needed to be placed in a NH and he got angry and tried to say I don't love him if I don't bring him home and care for him 24/7. I told the case worker I sleep in a chair, he has too many problems for me to manage and my own health is at risk.
I can't do it anymore. I've done this for 2 years. Does anyone have any advice?
My advice is the saddest, most awful advice of all.
You are going to have to leave.
If your husband won't go into care, and you can't care for him, then you will have to go to an attorney, get a division of assets, and rent something somewhere else, whatever you can afford, even if that is merely a room in someone else's home. You are still of an age to get a job. You can begin applying at care-facilities; it's what you're used to doing!
You can't remain a slave to your husband. While he is competent you can't place him.
To be honest we have seen people killed by their attempt to keep going, and we've seen people all but lose their minds. THEN where will he be?
You're still young at 57, TigerLily. Your hubby is 85. He could live another decade. Can YOU?
I know we've given you this advice before. We can't make you take it. And we've no magic wands at hand.
Leave. Divorce. If you wish to stay supportive then visit. But let your hubby know you are now no longer a wife, but a full time caregiver and it can't go on.
Let him know you'll be leaving and call APS when you do so. He's declared competent. He'll be able to call for help with the numbers you leave him.
I wish there was some other answer. It's good to hear from you. I am only sorry this all remains so the same.
They never talked about this the last time if he was competent or going against his wishes. They just found a place and that was that. The case worker is saying if he doesn't have secondary insurance, it won't be paid for and he hasn't been screened for medicaid. They were going to help me with that 2 years ago. She is listing all sorts of reasons he can't be placed.
I have tried to get in home help. Asked his doctor and they said they would refer him to hospice. They said he doesn't qualify because he doesn't have a terminal illness. I have been on a waiting list for in home help for at least 6 months.
She said she was going to talk with him and call me back. So far I haven't heard from her. When I spoke to him on the phone he got angry and went with the you don't love me. We don't have anything else to say. I hung up on him.
I do have a place to go. I have an empty mobile home. I will just leave and they will be calling and no one answers.
Tell themits an unsafe discharge. That his care has gone beyond your capabilities. You cannot afford help and your not doing the caring. Don't let them tell you there is help out there. The state will have to take over his care. If you have marital assets, see a lawyer. If not and they continue to harass you, walk away. Go to your mobile home and block their number. Do not change your address. Get a PO box at UPS or something. Only change ur address where needed. Maybe start paying bills on line. Can't get you for abandonment because he is safe and cared for. No one is listening to you, so its now extreme measures. Don't contact any family members they may be able to trace. They may be honest about where you are. Men and women walk away alot from situations like this.
Or, you arrange for in-home aids until you can get him a diagnosis and then into a facility. But, are you his PoA? If not, even a diagnosis may not allow you to send him against his wishes. If he has a PoA then this is the person who now needs to step in to get things done.
I wish you success in getting the care arrangement that works best for you.
He won't buy that, I am thinking. She is in 50s. TigerLily has written us before and it seems the situation is ongoing.
I hope things get better or she takes action.