In July my mother was diagnosed with an old stroke then in the hospital she had two more. No aneurysm. Affected her eyesight and shoet term memory. Theu also found stage 4 adenocarcinoma that metastasized. She's a chronic pain patient for 25+years and we knew her riddled body wasn't going to go through treatment. So we focused on better pain control which we thought. She was discharged from hospital still eating, drinking and her pain being managed very well until she went to rehab and they couldn't get her opioids ordered due to dr dea license wouldn't allow that specific pain medication and she was basically given an m/m; percocet over subutex which she was on morphine and oxycodone. She suffered for 5 days in the nursing home with their dr not doing anything for her until we demanded she be transferred back to the hospital for more pain management and we signed her up.on Aug 12th on hospice in Florida whi h i feel her suffering that week she could of had another stroke or something because she looked liked death. Same situation that the dr couldn't prescribe this subutex but back on morphine and it still wasn't making her comfortable so they kept her for 3 weeks and sent her back to nursing home until we could transfer her to Missouri so I could care for her. She was still alert, eating and hold conversations but when we got her to me she started declining with terminal aggression and then she also had periods in hospital and nursing home she wouldn't swallow pills and crushing them including one's that shouldn't so now we know why she wasn't getting full relief. Anyway hospice took over here and requested that she go to hospice house for medication management but when we got there they said she wasn't coming home. They increased her morphine to 200mg every 8 hours with 45mg every 4 hours prn plus Ativan and Haldol with roxanol if needed. Within a couple of days they didn't feed her and stopped all fluids. Theyy eventually put in a pca pump of dilauded which made her very comfortable but she declined even more and eventually on September 26th she passed. It was the most traumatic thing I've every witnessed. Her breathing was a constant struggle and the cheyne stokes sounds were so horrifying. Even though my mom was blind from the stroke she had her eyes open and she began to tear up and eventually I felt she was gasping for her last breath. My heart is so sick thinking I did this to her and she didn't deserve to die this way. I wish people would stop glorifying death because this wasn't peaceful by any means and now I have to live with this and lie to my dad and family that she went peaceful when she didn't. How will I ever get over this guilt.
Best of luck as you heal and deal with your grief.
This info I copy pasted from:
https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-the-death-rattle-2249083
Is It Uncomfortable?
The death rattle can be very hard for a dying person’s loved ones to hear but it is a normal end-of-life event that is not uncomfortable for the person who is dying, even if they are partially awake as it’s happening.
The death rattle does not mean the person is "drowning" or having a "bad" death.
People with a death rattle while dying do not have any more trouble breathing than those who do not have one.
Likewise, the quality of the death rattle sounds you hear—how loud they are, for example—is not a measure of how much breathing distress there is. Even some treatments for a death rattle won't necessarily change the sounds.
The death rattle can be very upsetting for loved ones and caregivers. One study found that at least 66% of loved ones of a dying person found listening to the death rattle highly distressing.
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It is thought that our loved one's souls transition first and just the body remains here to finish the dying process. While it's awful for us to witness that process, its not something we can "fix" or stop. It's not our fault that disease has taken over and it's their time to leave this phase of eternal life for the next. We should have no guilt that comfort measures were taken to prevent a painful passing for our parents.
After dad died and I was driving back to the AL, I asked him for a sign that he was ok and had made it to the Other Side safely. All of a sudden, a huge moth flew into my line of vision on the windshield and stayed there for the entire 3 mile ride to the AL. I shouted THANKS DAD and felt better immediately.
Our lives on Earth are short. You loved your mom and you did all you could for her. You fulfilled your goal and should have no guilt. She's at perfect peace now, whole again and completely pain free.
Wishing you full healing from your grief.
Blessings to you as you grieve this loss.
Best wishes to you at this time.
As I get older I think about death more and I am coming to terms with it as a transition sort of like when a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly. An old husk is left behind and while it was nice being a caterpillar it must be wonderful to be a butterfly free of earthly bounds.
It is a transition we all make. We don’t mourn for the caterpillar. Your mom is finally free.
Like you, I was extremely anxious about my mother’s final time on this earth.
I am grateful that my mom’s caregivers kept her comfortable and free from pain.
When I asked mom’s nurse specifically about death, I found her answer very comforting. She said that my mother was traveling. She felt that mom’s soul had already left and that her body had not caught up to her yet. It’s an interesting way to think about the end of life.
Do you really have to lie to people that she died peacefully? It might be therapeutic to say that she struggled for a time but that she was peaceful at the moment she passed. Or something like that. Or say that you can't talk about it at all and never discuss it again.
I'm sorry for your loss and hope you will eventually come to peace with it.
All you witnessed was a tragedy. I am so very sorry for that. It was very poor pain management.
Embrace your feelings -- don't run from them. At some point, you'll smile again when you recall pleasant memories of your mom. And, please try to remember that your mom is no longer in pain.
God be with you.