She lives with us and has my attention 24 hours a day, I feel I neglect my children. I want a break for 4 days exclusively with my husband and children and I’ve asked my sister to come and stay with my mom while I’m away, she has agreed. My sister and brother do not do anything with my mom, only visiting maybe once a month. I feel very guilty about going away with out her but she is coming on our main holiday in July. Am I being selfish leaving her? All her meals and my sister's will be organised by me whist we are away. I still feel horrible??
Your feelings come from inside, and likely developed over years if not decades.
Likely to do with self-esteem, messages you were given as a child (directly or indirectly from a parent).
You need to have a talk with yourself.
You have taken on the role of a matyr - this doesn't happen overnight. There are deep rooted reasons / issues for why you behave (and think) as you do.
You need to learn to love yourself.
And, when you do, you will be able to serve your mom 'better' - because you will feel / be better and have more energy. If you do not change your thinking and behavior, you will burn out - and then unable to care for your mother as you want.
Based on what you say "neglect my children" -
DO realize how you are teaching your children based on your treat / interact with them. You will not get a 'second change to do what is right for them' and what you do / teach them now will last them a life time.
If you know you are neglecting your children, or even FEEL like it, it is a RED FLAG to change your priorities, learn to set limits and boundaries with your mother, and enlist your sister to pull her weight on a regular basis. This is not 'just' your responsibility; it is a 'family unit' need/responsibility (to care for your mother).
You want your children to develop a strong sense of self; to love themselves, to have self-esteem. You do this by 1) being an example and 2) paying attention to them / their needs, along with yours. Ask yourself: do you want them to grow up ... and think that they are being 'horrible' and feel 'guilty' not doing enough for YOU? No. you do not. You want them to love themsevles so they make healthy decisions for themselves, and you / the family. This requires making decisions that everyone may not agree with ... and being okay with that.
It IS important to realize that what someone else thinks of you is their business. Do not base how you feel about yourself based on how another person feels about you. You want to teach your children to feel good about themselves, be humble, caring humans 'b-e-i-n-g.' Loving oneself is the greatest lesson and experience we have on this earth ... and that is when we do the best for everyone else.
Gena / Touch Matter - p.s. I spent DECADES learning to love myself as no one taught me that it was possible or even a consideration. A mother cannot give to a child what they do not possess / understand themselves. My mother didn't know how to be a 'good' mother. I had to learn how to be-come my own mother in my 20s ... and it never ends.
"I’ve asked my sister to come and stay with my mom"
Be aware that not everyone can or will be happy & obliging.
*Ask*. If yes, great!
If no, start researching alternative options.
You are doing the lion share. Fact. This can cause problems, such as expectations others will step in, provide backup when you need.
The flip side is this: siblings are free to be asked, also free to decline. They have no obligation to BE your backup service.
Don't let this simmer into resentment. Being up front & honest will help.
(I have been on both sides of this now).
Now go make it happen!!
Have a GREAT time.
We caregivers need to realize that we are no good to anyone without a break. Mom will be fine and you will be refreshed and your sister will get a good glimpse of what you do for Mom all year long!
Enjoy!
What is needed is listening to how a person says they feel, and give them space to explore that - with you and within their self.
I 'do' understand that you are trying to be kind here. However, it is important to be aware to understand how our messaging affects another person - and if it will be helpful.
When the guilt gets me, I try to reframe the situation.
Also, I feel compelled to point out a very familiar aspect of your guilt. Ever go out on your own and leave your husband to babysit your kid(s)? Feel guilty and grateful? Same ridiculous notion. Because he is just as much a parent and shares the responsibility. Your sister is just as much your mother’s daughter and shares the responsibility.
If I ever find out who instilled all this guilt nonsense in so many of us, I’m going to grind them into meatballs and feed them to crocodiles.
Guilt grows with the 'I shoulds.'
We need to turn that message off (in our brain) as soon as it surfaces.
P.S. "Please order the old paperback, "When I say no, I feel guilty."
It’s time for you to start working on “I still feel horrible”.
Whatever your sister chooses to do or not do, you were not born clutching the contract promising you to give full time care to your mother.
YOU need time away from your 24/7/365 job, but trust me, you won’t be getting it until you start regarding yourself as someone who is worth taking good care of.
If you consider “SELF CARE” as being synonymous with “Self-ISH”, it’s time to approach that idea from a different perspective too.
You are important. Treat yourself like it!
You are supporting this woman to learn to LOVE herself.
I appreciate your words.
When I travel, I get in 'vacay mode' the moment I get on the plane. I don't text people, I don;t call friends or answer emails. I am not tied to my phone.
Going away to 'get away' is important that you 'forget' the stuff you leave home. Trust me, it'll still be there when you return home.
We just spent 4 days with our daughter to get my DH away from the round the clock care of his mother. Sadly, his sister did not respect the 'please don't text or call me' edict that he begged for her to accept for 4 short days. He was on his phone many hours trying to deal with things he couldn't DO ANYTHING ABOUT being 1000 miles from home. I'm a little miffed at SIL for not allowing him to relax.
He actually came home more stressed out than when we left. This is wrong, but I won't interfere or say anything to her. We have a long distance graduation coming up and DH wants to go but it's all dependent on his mom. We'd only be gone 36 hrs--barely time to unpack.
Your kids will grow to resent grandma. Mine are all adults and they just feel awful for their dad. Take this time with your family and BE PRESENT for them. Our short weekend away was almost ruined by the fact every time I looked at DH he was on his phone with his sister. I felt completely cheated, and our daughter and her hubby just felt sad for dad.
You are NOT being selfish. You need this break--please take it!! And don't look back!!
Guilt suggests responsibility for the woes visited upon your Mom, and for her dependence upon you. You aren't guilty of anything. You didn't cause this and you can't cure this.
And, without a break, this can quite literally kill you.
You not only have a right to some time to yourself, but you have an obligation to yourself, the rest of your family, and your MOM to keep yourself as well and stable as you can. This means taking care of yourself.
If this concept sounds foreign to you, then you may be so enmeshed in your daily caring bond with/to your Mom that you cannot function well without a bit of help.
Consider a couple of counseling sessions with a LSW (social worker) in private counseling practice. They aren't going to go all "Freudian" on you, but they will help you vent a bit, and give you some options to think about as you make your way through the caregiving journey.
My heart goes out to you. Please. Take CARE of YOURSELF. Many depend upon that.
If we each had a dime for all the I Feel Guilty posts written here, we'd all be able to retire in Maui and live high on the Hawaaiaan suckling pig.
Go have fun and put your mother out of your mind for 4 days. Your immediate family deserves your attention more so than anyone else!
You don't mention your Mom having any illnesses or Dementia. Your children and DH come first. I would not feel guilty. Gives Sis skme one on one time and hopefully she will see how much care her Mom needs. IMO, if u are giving Mom 24 hrs a day, it maybe time for her to be placed in a nice facility.
Please, go and have some fun. Tell sister no phone calls. She can handle any emergencies.
Seriously, no need to go eat worms because you need a break. Examine the need in YOU to be her strongest support. Why is that?