Dad is adamant that he wants to be back in his own home. We've had the conversations as to why and his response is because that's where he has lived for 50 plus years and of course the because I say so.
So then, I had a one-on-one conversation with all siblings. Three are okay as long as he can help himself some (well he is there on that one - can shave himself, bath himself, feed himself, get in and out of bed although I like to watch to reduce falls, comb his hair, dress, and clean himself in the restroom). Can even help with some portions of making the bed, cleaning dining room table, etc. Small task.
However, the live in sister sibling and one other sibling are adamant he is not coming back to his home. They don't want him there in an angry tone from me asking but was eager to use some of his money this month when it went to his old account.
This is a mess because dad still likes to be active and try to do things. If he goes back home, they will not, as before, want him to do anything.
I do not know what to do here besides send dad back to the nursing home or attempt guardianship to get him back where he desires with the different help programs I've already setup to help in our home.
I'm disappointed and sad all the way around about this.
Options might be:
Caregivers in the house with him.
Family moving in with him, (they should be paid as caregivers and appropriate contracts drawn up)
Looking into Memory Care for him.
A visit to an Elder Care Attorney might be in order.
Who, if anyone has POA? With dementia he can no longer appoint someone and he may need to have a Guardian appointed.
Your father's brain is broken & he is not capable of living alone, in spite of his insistence that he is. He's not.
You should not send him back to live alone in his own home unless it's with 24/7 caregivers living there with him; prepping his food, helping him with cleaning, cooking, yard work, and all the other 1000 things involved with owning a home but that he's no longer capable of doing. In fact, you'll also have to hire others to do the yard work b/c caregivers do not perform those duties. The costs for keeping him in his own home with dementia will be astronomical. Be prepared for the fight that 'he doesn't need help' too, b/c it's highly likely he sees nothing wrong with him (as my mother does) and will fight you tooth & nail about everything. Dementia is the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life, bar none.
I echo what Grandma1954 has to say in her post. Research dementia yourself to see that what she's saying is true. Living alone & dementia = disaster.
Get dad into a Memory Care ALF or back to the SNF, or back home with 24/7 caregivers coming in if he has the funds to afford it. Come together with your siblings who are correct in their thought processes that dad does not belong back home, at least alone. Present a united front, all of you, and do the right thing for dad. That's the goal, nothing else.
Good luck with a difficult road ahead.
There are words coming out of our parent’s mouth, that “sound” normal.
There are ideas floating back and forth between us that “seem” to be normal.
’Cept, when we think REALLY hard about all of these things, they don’t add up. SOMETHING is niggling at us, telling us that it’s no longer normal at all.
Another problem is, we’re still their children, and they always were the authority. They knew what was what.
Until they don’t.
And, now, without any training, without having applied to this darn Dementia Club, we now have to upend everything we knew and thought and felt about them.
WE have to be the one to make decisions when they just aren’t safe any longer, either mentally, or physically, or both.
I’m getting a stomachache, just typing these words. It’s been 8 months since Mom entered Memory Care. And, it was a long time before that, that I fought the battle you’re fighting-the one in my heart and head.
This is one of the hardest seasons of my life by far. These decisions are brutal.
You’re in a good place here on the forum.
So I’m ready for guardianship, attorney ready, if I decide to proceed.
The only person in his home right now, which never left home, is one of his oldest daughters. I’m the youngest. She is the one refusing to consider letting him come home but yet used money from his SSA payment that went into their old, joint account. Says she will not pay back because they told her she could use it. Not sure who they were but know a lie.
I agree he can’t live alone. So since the sibling that lives there does not want to be involved, I would have to look into hiring a caregiver to go along with the Medicaid agency workers. He also has hospice right now and they come out once a week and last week twice.
If a live in replacement does not become an option, the only other option is the nursing home. I mean he tries to run us crazy every day about going home. Pack my bags. You drive me home or give me my keys. I have had dinner with you all, now I want to go home. On the transit bus from daycare, he will curse them out for not carrying him home.
We roll him away from the door, he thinks we have turned our back (see him with camera) and to the door he rolls or gets up and tries to walk out. I set with him and talk and think things have calmed down and then there he goes again. Round and around from about noon to bedtime. Then at times refuse to go to bed because he wants home.
Yall holding me hostage he says. It is stressing all of us out including him. So today they are going to try lorazepam on him to try and see if it will relieve some of the anxiety.
If no family member pursues guardianship then the county will eventually need to be involved and they will assume guardianship and then the family has no more control of his medical / financial decisions or involvement in their management. FYI I'm not sure but it may turn out that a county guardian may pursue repayment of those funds or even consider prosecution -- so heads up for her.
If he doesn't have an actual doctor's diagnosis, and it's his house then he legally gets to go back home unless you can prove he is incapable of safely living by himself (without the leech there). The live-in adult child should be evicted from his home. He can then move back in and family hire agency aids to help him stay in his home longer (paying for it with his money). But what will most likely happen is he will bellyache about the strangers in his home and fight about that all day long. If I were in your shoes I'd get guardianship ($10K or more) and then move him into a reputable local facility where he can chat with people and have things to do and you'll have peace of mind. This is a family discussion so no one is blind-sided by anyone taking this before a judge. Wishing you success in getting your dad into the best situation for everyone.
Needless to say many other loopholes developed. Social security saying he had to be in his own home after so many months or they would take his income source because his home would be worth over $2000. So basically if he wanted to live somewhere else (downgrade homes), he would have to rid the home and use the resources to care for himself elsewhere.
During the interaction with social security, they set his monthly income to come as a paper check until we got him setup with a new bank account. After the check did not come, we called social security, and found out it went to a previous bank account shared with the sibling sister that still lives at home. We managed to get that one out in time.
But a week later, a statement came from social security staying they decided to pay for the previous month. Well it was little to late on that one because she had already used right at $400 of the money. During the conversation with her, I could tell she had no intentions of letting us know . So we just got the balance.
The bank would not let us close out the bank account.
We’ve updated with social security and hope next month’s payment makes it where it belongs. I didn’t put my name on the new account and the bank said with them only DPOA would be needed unless I pursue something further.
Thankfully he already has Medicaid but still it may pose problems down the line. They are all untrustworthy I promise. Lived off both parents forever with loan co-signing, borrowing money and more.
The bank did give me copies showing where the money was spent and it was not on household bills like she wanted me to believe. It was spent on personal loans of hers and ATM withdrawals.
MACinCT I’m not sure what you mean when you said with him being on hospice that living in his home will be short lived. You think they will pull out or say he needs a nursing home?
Sorry, I don't know who gave you this information but it is not how this works. Never heard of someone having to remain in their home so many months. SS has nothing to do with the assets you have. Its an income you deserve because you paid into it. You could be a millionaire and still get your SS.
Now Medicaid for care in a nursing facility is a different thing. You have to be down to 2k in assets and the house is an exempt asset, meaning it's not counted as an asset at this point. If your Dad has no assets and his monthly income of SS and pension are under the Medicaid income cap of lets say $2300 (in my State, maybe different in Dads State) he should qualify for Medicaid to pay for his care in a NH. Social Security and any pension comes into the picture because it needs to be used to offset his care. They allow maybe $50 a month to go into a personal needs account for personal things he may need. (This also depends on the State)
The house...if Dad goes into a home under medicaid there will be no money to pay for utilities, taxes or upkeep on his home. This means the Sister living there will need to prove that she can pay the utilities, taxes and upkeep to remain there. The house maybe an exempt asset, but Medicaid does have rules who can remain in the house.
I don't see how the daughter can keep Dad from coming back to his own home. Is she on the deed? She can refuse to care for him, but if he has money you can hire someone to do the care.
I think you getting a lawyer is a good idea. Make sure he is well versed in Medicaid. If Dad has money, I think Medicaid allows you to use it to obtain guardianship, ask the lawyer.
The house becomes an asset that Medicaid can recoup from after Dad passes. If someone has been living in the house, they will need to prove why they should be allowed to stay. Again showing they can pay the bills. If Medicaid allows the person to continue to reside there, a lean will be put on the house. This lean will need to be satisfied if the person leaves, sells the house or dies.
Take the info I provided and confirm this with a lawyer. I would also ask what are your sisters rights concerning the house since this is her residence of record.
The way the social security rep that is managing his case explained it to me is that he can only remain in our home for maximum of 9 months and we have to give an update every three months. If he does not return to his home, which is deeded to him, he will lose his SSI monthly income. He is on the one that is based on age/disability and limited income & resources.
She says, the rules state, if he will not/does not return home, he could rid the home and use the proceeds to care for himself elsewhere.
I was shocked. So I called back two weeks in a row to make sure I heard the information correctly. The worker never waivered. I've been learning much that's for sure.
Is your dad eligible for regular Social Security?
Here is a good explanatory link:
https://thecollegeinvestor.com/33875/ss-vs-ssi-vs-ssdi/
Thanks everyone that responded!