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Hello, My 85 year old mom and I have always been extremely close. My mom is my best friend and she is my heart. Her health has been deteriorating over the last year. As of today she is so sick, she doesn't eat or drink because she throws it back up. Her legs are so swollen she can't walk and she sleeps constantly. I think she may be at the end stage of life. I am the only sibling who has ever been by her side, even through the disrespect, and horrible things she would say to me quite frequently. She specifically told she wants to stay in the house and No doctors or anyone is allowed in the house. I can see she is in alot of pain.But I am following her wishes and doing what she told me. I go over there daily as long as I can. But I am unable to stay the whole day as I have health issues myself. I was wondering what does a person do when a parent is like this. Absolutely no one in the house and No hospital or doctors at all. She wants to pass in the house. I cry alot. I am so sad because we no longer have 2 to 3 and 4 hours of conversation, sometimes more. Is there anyone who can give Some advice on this matter. Thank you very much!
You need to call hospice right now(they're available 24/7)and get them to come and help your mom die in peace and comfort and not in such pain and discomfort. I don't think you'll be able to live with yourself if you let her suffer up to the end. I know I wouldn't be able to. You must now do what is in the best interest of your mom despite what she has said in the past. I pray that your mom is not living by herself right now and that you have other family members staying with her when you can't be there, as she shouldn't be alone. Hospice will allow her to stay at home and die at home as long as someone is with her 24/7. they will have a nurse come once a week to start and aides to come bathe her at least twice week, along with supplying all needed equipment, supplies and medications all covered 100% under your moms Medicare. So PLEASE I'm begging you, call hospice right now and they will come out and do an assessment, and get your mom under their care ASAP. And if needed hospice can take your mom to their hospice home when she's actively dying, which is not a hospital but a beautiful, peaceful home where she will receive excellent 24/7 care and be able to die in peace. And again it will be covered 100% under your mom Medicare.
You call an ambulance that takes her to the ER, where she’ll be evaluated and treated for issues, including pain. If you love her, you shouldn’t let her suffer. It may be time for hospice, which will provide help for both of you.
Your mother has placed a terrible burden on you with her unreasonable demands. Also, allowing her to suffer could be considered elder neglect. There are penalties for that.
Be the grownup and act like one. You have a moral responsibility that outweighs what your mother has ordered you to do, and I wish you peace in taking care of her - not as she wishes, but as you should.
In my town you can self refer to hospice, A hospice RN will come out to Mom's house and see if she qualifies (they also pull Mom's medical records but they will pull them behind the scenes).
If Mom qualifies she can have hospice in her home. That will get her pain meds and also Lasix to help with the swelling in her legs.
Tell Mom if she wants to pass in her home that she needs to see the hospice RN in her home.
It was cruel of your mother to make this awful demand of you. Watching someone you love die slowly in pain is horrible and she shouldn’t expect you to do such. Call and have her transported to a hospital. She will still be allowed to refuse life extending measures but she will be made comfortable. Most importantly, you will not have this burden alone and can never be accused of not caring. I wish you both peace
Brandee again. In my town in Maryland hospice patients in their own homes are not required to have anyone with them. Most family members are working. We live in a poor county.
For over a year we had the hospice RN come out only once a week. (not intrusive) The last 4 months the hospice RN's came out MOn, WEd and Fri
Listen to all these great answers you have been given. Your Mom needs comfort to die at peace in her home as she wishes without such extreme suffering. Your Mom is probably so miserable she is snapping, and nobody can force her to prolong her life. You standing by and following such inhumane "orders" from someone in such dire straights is also wrong. PLEASE DO THE RIGHT THING.
Quite honestly, most people will tell you that it is a kind of negligence to allow your mother to live with what sounds to be congestive heart failure, without treatment. We don't know your mother nor her history nor whether she has some dementia, but her decision to seek no care at this point is not rational. I would all APS tomorrow, Adult Protective Services to see about your mother and to do a "wellness check" on her.
Now you have ALSO the option of saying "This is what my mother wants. She understands that she is dying and she wishes to do it in her own home without medical assistance." That is an option most people will tell you is "wrong". But if this is your mother's wish, if your mother is rational and understands that she may DIE of something that can be treated medically, then you may have to make this choice for yourself.
Your mother is apparently not/never was a cooperative person, nor a very satisfied person. She has asked to be allowed to die in her own home. I have a neighbor two doors over who did just exactly this, telling her daughter not to call medics. She did die at home.
We all will die. Your mother has had a long life. She seems ready to make her own exit in her own way. On the other hand she sounds to be in need of medical treatment that may give her some short time more with treatment.
I am afraid this isn't a decision I would make for you. I once would have told you in no uncertain terms to call paramedics or APS. At 82 I begin to feel somewhat differently about it as I more approach the end of my own life, and end I won't honestly be terribly sad to see come. There isn't a lot of "upside" ahead.
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I don't think you'll be able to live with yourself if you let her suffer up to the end. I know I wouldn't be able to.
You must now do what is in the best interest of your mom despite what she has said in the past.
I pray that your mom is not living by herself right now and that you have other family members staying with her when you can't be there, as she shouldn't be alone.
Hospice will allow her to stay at home and die at home as long as someone is with her 24/7. they will have a nurse come once a week to start and aides to come bathe her at least twice week, along with supplying all needed equipment, supplies and medications all covered 100% under your moms Medicare.
So PLEASE I'm begging you, call hospice right now and they will come out and do an assessment, and get your mom under their care ASAP.
And if needed hospice can take your mom to their hospice home when she's actively dying, which is not a hospital but a beautiful, peaceful home where she will receive excellent 24/7 care and be able to die in peace. And again it will be covered 100% under your mom Medicare.
Your mother has placed a terrible burden on you with her unreasonable demands. Also, allowing her to suffer could be considered elder neglect. There are penalties for that.
Be the grownup and act like one. You have a moral responsibility that outweighs what your mother has ordered you to do, and I wish you peace in taking care of her - not as she wishes, but as you should.
If Mom qualifies she can have hospice in her home. That will get her pain meds and also Lasix to help with the swelling in her legs.
Tell Mom if she wants to pass in her home that she needs to see the hospice RN in her home.
For over a year we had the hospice RN come out only once a week. (not intrusive) The last 4 months the hospice RN's came out MOn, WEd and Fri
You standing by and following such inhumane "orders" from someone in such dire straights is also wrong.
PLEASE DO THE RIGHT THING.
I would all APS tomorrow, Adult Protective Services to see about your mother and to do a "wellness check" on her.
Now you have ALSO the option of saying "This is what my mother wants. She understands that she is dying and she wishes to do it in her own home without medical assistance." That is an option most people will tell you is "wrong". But if this is your mother's wish, if your mother is rational and understands that she may DIE of something that can be treated medically, then you may have to make this choice for yourself.
Your mother is apparently not/never was a cooperative person, nor a very satisfied person. She has asked to be allowed to die in her own home. I have a neighbor two doors over who did just exactly this, telling her daughter not to call medics. She did die at home.
We all will die. Your mother has had a long life. She seems ready to make her own exit in her own way. On the other hand she sounds to be in need of medical treatment that may give her some short time more with treatment.
I am afraid this isn't a decision I would make for you. I once would have told you in no uncertain terms to call paramedics or APS. At 82 I begin to feel somewhat differently about it as I more approach the end of my own life, and end I won't honestly be terribly sad to see come. There isn't a lot of "upside" ahead.