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You move him out of your home or you move out of his. Abuse in any form is not okay, especially from a parent you are spending time and energy taking care of.

Getting old is not a free pass to act mean towards family members.

If dad has dementia going on, get him properly evaluated and into Memory Care Assisted Living where he can have autonomy and you can get peace back in your life and your dh doesn't have to tolerate ugliness from his FIL.

Multigenerational living is normally a short term plan and why senior living residences are popping up like flowers everywhere. Because we all deserve peace and tranquility in our lives.
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Dcoyne22 Apr 2023
He refuses to get evaluated by a neurologist. He also refuses medication. I am not sure what I can do. I am executor and have medical guardianship if he is unable to speak for himself.. I am thinking that I will tell him, if you aren’t happy here, let’s get you somewhere where u will be happy.
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You tell him, “Hey dad. As it appears you’re unhappy, we are finding you another place to live.”
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Move him out of your house. He needs to live somewhere else. He's abusive. It really doesn't make all that much difference if the abuse is dementia-related or isn't. It's still abuse and no one should have to live with it.
You say he was always kind of mean. People like that get a thousand times worse when they get old.
If it turns out he has dementia which is not always the answer, have him placed in assisted living or memory care.
If he's just a mean and nasty person who enjoys instigating and spreading misery, tell him he has 30 days to get out of your house or you'll serve him with eviction.
Either way no one has to tolerate his nastiness anymore.
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Your husband and family come first, that is the bottom line. He is 91 and you have been his caretaker for 10 long years, don't you think it is time to place him so that you and your husband can have a toxic free life?

You mention guilt, the buzz word of the 21st century, a self imposed emotion that can hold one hostage.

I don't see why you should feel any guilt whatsoever, you and your husband are entitled to a life together without your father. He has lived his life, it is time for you to live yours before you and hubby are too old to do any fun things together.

He could live for many more years, my mother is 98 and still going strong, she is in AL and loves it, being around people her own age, activities and she doesn't have to lift a finger everything is done for her.

Good Luck.
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lealonnie1 Apr 2023
Not to mention, dad could outlive the daughter at this point! 😑
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Not much. Paranoia is one of the first signs of dementia, and there’s no point in arguing with a dementia patient.

What you can do is start looking for another place for him to live. He’s going to get worse, and he’ll need professional care.
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Do not tolerate your 91-year-old father's behavior any more. Have him placed into a facility for your husband's and your peace of mind.
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Ignore it and change the topic or walk out of the room. It's his dementia talking and since he is losing his reason and logic and empathy and inhabitions there's no sense in exhausting yourselves trying to correct his thinking. He will just keep doing it. So, you need a different strategy, which is called "redirection".
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Dcoyne22 Apr 2023
Thank you
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Your profile says that you are a part time caregiver to your Dad.
Why does he require this care from you?
You say this is part time care but you say your dad lives with you. How does your husband feel, after 10 years of living with him, about continuing to live with him?
Does Dad have dementia?

If so, what you can do is understand that paranoia and anger is a part of many dementias and that your Dad is not capable of rational reasoning now. Then set aside what he says and move on.

If, on the other hand, your father is rational and without dementia, then it may be time to make choices about how much care you wish to continue to provide to him.

Certainly your husband should not be required to give care to someone who is abusive to him verbally, whether rational or not, if he doesn't wish to.
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Dcoyne22 Apr 2023
I work part time. My dad is not diagnosed with dementia but the paranoia is concerning. He has always been mean. His stuff is his stuff. Everyone knows not to touch his stuff or use his bathroom. He has done a lot for my family over the years but I just don’t know what to do. He is only going to get worse.. He won’t go to the doctor very often and when he does he manages to pass any evaluation they do. He reads the side effects so he wont take meds.
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I have this same issue with my mother who is verbally abusive to me. She has been living with me for 3 years since her cancer diagnosis. She was diagnosed with dementia by her PCP.
I have had the police to the house numerous times due to her uncontrollable yelling/screaming carying on, etc.
She refuses to leave my house saying she is going to die in my house as planned with family around her, not in some facility alone.
Police told me I can get a court order from a judge after we find her a facility. The police will come to the house to help us with getting her to the facility safely.
It is very sad when situations such as this arise, but we do have to think of our own health and mental well-being as well.
I told my mom that if she was not going to seek medical help for her issues, I cannot continue to go on this way with her that she will have to go to a facility.
You have to do what is best for all involved....good luck
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JoAnn29 Apr 2023
This is nice that the police will get involved. Maybe because they have seen her.
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If you're going to continue to have your dad live with you, then y'all are going to have to either 1) live with it and ignore it 2) call your dad out about it every time 3) move him out.

THIS! (From JoAnn29)

"If they were nice before, they will be nice after.
If they were nasty before, they will be nasty after
If they were nice before and nasty after, they were nasty before. Just covered it up."

My mother - who is not on any anxiety meds - is the same as she always was. She was quick to find fault with me and is still at it at the ripe old age of 96. Every. Little. Thing. that she doesn't like, she has something to say.

Nevermind that I have faithfully cared for her since 2006 and have now pretty much lost, given up or put on hold everything that meant anything to me.

By-the-way, you didn't say whether your husband is bothered by your dad's insults.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
Amen to that, southiebella. My mother is almost 86 and she is exactly the same as ever. She's always been a bully, a gaslighter, and an instigator. I've been the family scapegoat since I was a little kid and don't expect her to change.
The older she gets the more abusive her neediness gets.
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