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You can tell dad to keep his nasty words to himself or he will need to live some place else, because NOBODY is going to be abused in your home.
Has he given you money that he thinks bought him the right to be head of house over your husband? If yes, pay it back and move him. If no, tell him he is living in another man's home and he needs to man up and be courteous or be gone.
It is okay to be open and honest with him. It is, also, okay to walk away when he starts spewing his hate.
Usually when a child says your mean its because you are not allowing them to do what they want to do or making them do what they don't want to do. When ur in your 80s and 90s, there is some mental decline and I think our elderly get child like.
And I am so with Burnt. My Mom was allergic to deodorant. We tried everything. Finally, I found that Arm and Hammer unscented worked on her. But it occasionally itched her. I told her better itch then smell. I agree, being up front is not disrespect. I am all for "Dad if you cannot be respectful in my house, then we are going to have to move you to someplace else.
We took my MIL in for the longest 8 months of my life. She was telling my husband that I was mean to her. Finally, I sat her down and asked her to tell us what it was that was mean. She, with tears in her eyes said, "Well, you make me take a bath". I threw both hands into the air, and told her if she couldn't come up with anything better than that, she'd just have to suffer my being mean. She never said that again.
Dcoyne22: This dynamic is not working. Your father may have to opt for facility living since your DH (Dear Husband) is being verbally disrespected/abused.
If you're going to continue to have your dad live with you, then y'all are going to have to either 1) live with it and ignore it 2) call your dad out about it every time 3) move him out.
THIS! (From JoAnn29)
"If they were nice before, they will be nice after. If they were nasty before, they will be nasty after If they were nice before and nasty after, they were nasty before. Just covered it up."
My mother - who is not on any anxiety meds - is the same as she always was. She was quick to find fault with me and is still at it at the ripe old age of 96. Every. Little. Thing. that she doesn't like, she has something to say.
Nevermind that I have faithfully cared for her since 2006 and have now pretty much lost, given up or put on hold everything that meant anything to me.
By-the-way, you didn't say whether your husband is bothered by your dad's insults.
Amen to that, southiebella. My mother is almost 86 and she is exactly the same as ever. She's always been a bully, a gaslighter, and an instigator. I've been the family scapegoat since I was a little kid and don't expect her to change. The older she gets the more abusive her neediness gets.
I always wondered how my MIL would have been if Dementia had set in. She was Hospitalized and Rehabed at the age of 91 for a UTI. She passed away a month later, think she willed her self to die because returning home looked like it was not going to be an option. She was passive-aggressive and had a lying problem. When she did not get her own way the nastiness surfaced. Me when u get nasty or whine don't expect to get what u want. I know that sweet little lady persona was just a cover-up for how she really was...a nasty woman. I asked my Moms Neurologist if Mom's personality would change as her Dementia progressed. He said:
If they were nice before, they will be nice after. If they were nasty before, they will be nasty after If they were nice before and nasty after, they were nasty before. Just covered it up.
Not that Mom did not have her paranoid times but she was easy to care for and her aides loved her. But I am sure my MIL would have been nasty.
Is there any way you can get him to a geriatric psychiatrist? Perhaps the PCP can prescribe some Zoloft ( a mild seratonin reuptake inhibitor) and you can slip it in food or drink in the meantime to calm him and then visit a geriatric psychiatrist who can help decide what might work best.
Would you take heart medication if an eye doctor told you to? I don't think you would. PCP's all too readily hand out the psych drugs like they are M & M candy and they shouldn't, Elderly people with dementia often get way worse very fast when they are prescribed brain altering drugs. The FIL most likely has dementia at his age. The villifying of people closest to them or the accusations of stealing when there is none are sure indicators. Whatever the reason, the FIL is abusive and no one has to live with that in their home. He can be placed.
I have this same issue with my mother who is verbally abusive to me. She has been living with me for 3 years since her cancer diagnosis. She was diagnosed with dementia by her PCP. I have had the police to the house numerous times due to her uncontrollable yelling/screaming carying on, etc. She refuses to leave my house saying she is going to die in my house as planned with family around her, not in some facility alone. Police told me I can get a court order from a judge after we find her a facility. The police will come to the house to help us with getting her to the facility safely. It is very sad when situations such as this arise, but we do have to think of our own health and mental well-being as well. I told my mom that if she was not going to seek medical help for her issues, I cannot continue to go on this way with her that she will have to go to a facility. You have to do what is best for all involved....good luck
You study dementia with Teepa Snow and understand that he brain has / is changing and that he either doesn't understand/know what he is saying (and) he is frustrated, angry, and fearful of the unknown, and confused -
IMPORTANT: By educating yourself on dementia, you learn that being accused of stealing, or other untruths are common). The more you can ... harness yourself with education and realize it is his changing brain chemistry, the more you will be able to shift your reactions from hurt to compassionate understanding.
OR / AND
he may have been this way most of his life and it is more pronounced due to aging/dementia.
What do you do? * You develop, through awareness, compassion for him knowing he is confused and scared. * You do not argue. You smile and perhaps walk away or give him a kiss or a hug and walk away (for a short time). * You become aware of the goal: keep him as calm and emotionally even as possible by doing the above.
* and when it gets hard(er), you take breaks and 'self-sooth' - learn to shift the feelings you feel / experience ... perhaps by meditating and seeing them go up in a 'puff of healling light sparkles - into the universe." You need to learn to let it go somehow.
* Through education and awareness, you learn NOT to take it personally - as it isn't. This doesn't mean you won't react at times ... you step away.
MOSTLY, you understand that your dad won't change and that you need to.
* For each time he says something mean/hurtful, give him 10 kisses on his hand. He needs to know he is loved - through his frustration, pain (aches), confusion, depression - whatever he is going through.
* A good compassionate tool is to see yourself in his shoes and think of how you might feel - while you may not react as he does, if you were scared, losing or lost most of all of your independence, and perhaps 'waiting to die,' how would you feel - and react to others (when you feel miserable)?
Believe me, we know. This isn't easy no matter how we try to not FEEL the brunt of these expressed feelings/thoughts/confusion. We do what we can. Use these tools as you can. Write them down and post on refrigerator or somewhere you'll see them regularly.
You need to visualize yourself in a beautiful 'bubble' of self-care when entering his 'field of vision' (or interaction). The bubble will keep you safe.
All of this is fine and good and to many Teepa Snow is the patron saint of dementia. I find by experience that she's pretty much full of crap 90% of the time, but that's neither here nor there. People can educate themselves on dementia and become experts. This doesn't help when they live with a demented elder's abuse day in and day out. We have assisted living facilities, nursing homes, memory care facilites, and board and care communities all over the place. These places exist so people with dementia, mental illness, physical illness whose needs are too much for their family can be properly cared for.
All great answers, they even help me in dealing with my mom. Mine is 94, in AL and now 24 hr care all over the past 3.5 years. She has blamed us for everything since dad passed, moving her, money, belongings (all in storage), etc etc…I limit my visits and outings with her now, as every time I’m the punching bag (verbal) and she rehashes it all over again. I bluntly told her the other day that she doesn’t trust or like me, no answer from her. Nothing nice to say and highly jealous of my life. I know her dementia is getting worse, so that’s the reason. My sister and I have grown “iron stomachs” and I’m learning to move beyond my guilt or weak moments. My sister (and my hubby) are Godsends and we are always on the same page, while he is my sounding board. You and your husband need your lives to live and enjoy, you only get one chance at it. Let an AL take care of your dad, find a good one and you will be relieved. We don’t deserve this rudeness and when there is never a thank you or anything good to be said from them, it’s time to make a change. Best of luck and good wishes for you. Go out and enjoy life!
Your husband and family come first, that is the bottom line. He is 91 and you have been his caretaker for 10 long years, don't you think it is time to place him so that you and your husband can have a toxic free life?
You mention guilt, the buzz word of the 21st century, a self imposed emotion that can hold one hostage.
I don't see why you should feel any guilt whatsoever, you and your husband are entitled to a life together without your father. He has lived his life, it is time for you to live yours before you and hubby are too old to do any fun things together.
He could live for many more years, my mother is 98 and still going strong, she is in AL and loves it, being around people her own age, activities and she doesn't have to lift a finger everything is done for her.
I have similar issue that i have shared previously. my 95 yo Dad tried to verbally and emotionally abuse my live in 65yo BF. MY Mom also tries to get in any dig she feels she can justify. I attribute this to their lifelong toxicity and geriatric dementia setting in. if your Dad lives with you like my parents do it does get stressful at times. Avoidance is our most effective tool. if your Dad has dementia, there is no reasoning.
Move him out of your house. He needs to live somewhere else. He's abusive. It really doesn't make all that much difference if the abuse is dementia-related or isn't. It's still abuse and no one should have to live with it. You say he was always kind of mean. People like that get a thousand times worse when they get old. If it turns out he has dementia which is not always the answer, have him placed in assisted living or memory care. If he's just a mean and nasty person who enjoys instigating and spreading misery, tell him he has 30 days to get out of your house or you'll serve him with eviction. Either way no one has to tolerate his nastiness anymore.
This sounds like dementia behavior. From that perspective, he probably is not going to do any better but you can try to set boundaries that these things are inappropriate and not OK to say. But you also have to pick your battles.
Hopefully hubby is not taking this nonsense to heart.
It may be time to get some caregivers to give you guys a break or look into assisted living. He won't like it but he apparently doesn't like your house either.
Thank you. My dad had to go stay at an extended stay hotel while we were fixing our home from hurricane damage. It was 2 months of peace but also guilt. I am not sure if he has some dementia creeping in. He has always been kind of mean. When he is stressed it gets worse.
You move him out of your home or you move out of his. Abuse in any form is not okay, especially from a parent you are spending time and energy taking care of.
Getting old is not a free pass to act mean towards family members.
If dad has dementia going on, get him properly evaluated and into Memory Care Assisted Living where he can have autonomy and you can get peace back in your life and your dh doesn't have to tolerate ugliness from his FIL.
Multigenerational living is normally a short term plan and why senior living residences are popping up like flowers everywhere. Because we all deserve peace and tranquility in our lives.
He refuses to get evaluated by a neurologist. He also refuses medication. I am not sure what I can do. I am executor and have medical guardianship if he is unable to speak for himself.. I am thinking that I will tell him, if you aren’t happy here, let’s get you somewhere where u will be happy.
You do not mention dementia so I am assuming this is not a problem. I have to ask if this has been going on for 10 years why did you put up with it for 9 years and 11 months? And that 11 months is letting him off easy, it could well have been 9 years 11 months and 2 weeks. What kind of care does dad need? I think a tour of a couple of Assisted Living facilities is in the near future. Or if he needs Skilled Nursing then look at Skilled Nursing facilities. If he in fact has dementia then begin looking at Memory Care for him. I am surprised that your husband has put up with being treated badly in his own home for this length of time.
He is not consistently mean. He gets worse when he is stressed. And has gradually gotten worse. He has done so much for our family and my children. So we put up with it, but I know it is only going to get worse, that’s why I am so depressed. Guilt about him and my husband who shouldn’t have to deal with him.
Your profile says that you are a part time caregiver to your Dad. Why does he require this care from you? You say this is part time care but you say your dad lives with you. How does your husband feel, after 10 years of living with him, about continuing to live with him? Does Dad have dementia?
If so, what you can do is understand that paranoia and anger is a part of many dementias and that your Dad is not capable of rational reasoning now. Then set aside what he says and move on.
If, on the other hand, your father is rational and without dementia, then it may be time to make choices about how much care you wish to continue to provide to him.
Certainly your husband should not be required to give care to someone who is abusive to him verbally, whether rational or not, if he doesn't wish to.
I work part time. My dad is not diagnosed with dementia but the paranoia is concerning. He has always been mean. His stuff is his stuff. Everyone knows not to touch his stuff or use his bathroom. He has done a lot for my family over the years but I just don’t know what to do. He is only going to get worse.. He won’t go to the doctor very often and when he does he manages to pass any evaluation they do. He reads the side effects so he wont take meds.
If this is new behaviour he needs a good physical to rule out anything physical causing the problem. If Dementia is expected, then Neurologist should look at him. Dementia gets worse, not better. So you may want to place him if you want a life of your own. They become 24/7 care.
Ignore it and change the topic or walk out of the room. It's his dementia talking and since he is losing his reason and logic and empathy and inhabitions there's no sense in exhausting yourselves trying to correct his thinking. He will just keep doing it. So, you need a different strategy, which is called "redirection".
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Has he given you money that he thinks bought him the right to be head of house over your husband? If yes, pay it back and move him. If no, tell him he is living in another man's home and he needs to man up and be courteous or be gone.
It is okay to be open and honest with him. It is, also, okay to walk away when he starts spewing his hate.
And I am so with Burnt. My Mom was allergic to deodorant. We tried everything. Finally, I found that Arm and Hammer unscented worked on her. But it occasionally itched her. I told her better itch then smell. I agree, being up front is not disrespect. I am all for "Dad if you cannot be respectful in my house, then we are going to have to move you to someplace else.
repeat often
THIS! (From JoAnn29)
"If they were nice before, they will be nice after.
If they were nasty before, they will be nasty after
If they were nice before and nasty after, they were nasty before. Just covered it up."
My mother - who is not on any anxiety meds - is the same as she always was. She was quick to find fault with me and is still at it at the ripe old age of 96. Every. Little. Thing. that she doesn't like, she has something to say.
Nevermind that I have faithfully cared for her since 2006 and have now pretty much lost, given up or put on hold everything that meant anything to me.
By-the-way, you didn't say whether your husband is bothered by your dad's insults.
The older she gets the more abusive her neediness gets.
If they were nice before, they will be nice after.
If they were nasty before, they will be nasty after
If they were nice before and nasty after, they were nasty before. Just covered it up.
Not that Mom did not have her paranoid times but she was easy to care for and her aides loved her. But I am sure my MIL would have been nasty.
Would you take heart medication if an eye doctor told you to?
I don't think you would. PCP's all too readily hand out the psych drugs like they are M & M candy and they shouldn't,
Elderly people with dementia often get way worse very fast when they are prescribed brain altering drugs.
The FIL most likely has dementia at his age. The villifying of people closest to them or the accusations of stealing when there is none are sure indicators.
Whatever the reason, the FIL is abusive and no one has to live with that in their home. He can be placed.
I have had the police to the house numerous times due to her uncontrollable yelling/screaming carying on, etc.
She refuses to leave my house saying she is going to die in my house as planned with family around her, not in some facility alone.
Police told me I can get a court order from a judge after we find her a facility. The police will come to the house to help us with getting her to the facility safely.
It is very sad when situations such as this arise, but we do have to think of our own health and mental well-being as well.
I told my mom that if she was not going to seek medical help for her issues, I cannot continue to go on this way with her that she will have to go to a facility.
You have to do what is best for all involved....good luck
IMPORTANT: By educating yourself on dementia, you learn that being accused of stealing, or other untruths are common). The more you can ... harness yourself with education and realize it is his changing brain chemistry, the more you will be able to shift your reactions from hurt to compassionate understanding.
OR / AND
he may have been this way most of his life and it is more pronounced due to aging/dementia.
What do you do?
* You develop, through awareness, compassion for him knowing he is confused and scared.
* You do not argue. You smile and perhaps walk away or give him a kiss or a hug and walk away (for a short time).
* You become aware of the goal: keep him as calm and emotionally even as possible by doing the above.
* and when it gets hard(er), you take breaks and 'self-sooth' - learn to shift the feelings you feel / experience ... perhaps by meditating and seeing them go up in a 'puff of healling light sparkles - into the universe." You need to learn to let it go somehow.
* Through education and awareness, you learn NOT to take it personally - as it isn't. This doesn't mean you won't react at times ... you step away.
MOSTLY, you understand that your dad won't change and that you need to.
* For each time he says something mean/hurtful, give him 10 kisses on his hand. He needs to know he is loved - through his frustration, pain (aches), confusion, depression - whatever he is going through.
* A good compassionate tool is to see yourself in his shoes and think of how you might feel - while you may not react as he does, if you were scared, losing or lost most of all of your independence, and perhaps 'waiting to die,' how would you feel - and react to others (when you feel miserable)?
Believe me, we know. This isn't easy no matter how we try to not FEEL the brunt of these expressed feelings/thoughts/confusion. We do what we can.
Use these tools as you can. Write them down and post on refrigerator or somewhere you'll see them regularly.
You need to visualize yourself in a beautiful 'bubble' of self-care when entering his 'field of vision' (or interaction). The bubble will keep you safe.
Gena / Touch Matters
All of this is fine and good and to many Teepa Snow is the patron saint of dementia. I find by experience that she's pretty much full of crap 90% of the time, but that's neither here nor there.
People can educate themselves on dementia and become experts. This doesn't help when they live with a demented elder's abuse day in and day out.
We have assisted living facilities, nursing homes, memory care facilites, and board and care communities all over the place. These places exist so people with dementia, mental illness, physical illness whose needs are too much for their family can be properly cared for.
You mention guilt, the buzz word of the 21st century, a self imposed emotion that can hold one hostage.
I don't see why you should feel any guilt whatsoever, you and your husband are entitled to a life together without your father. He has lived his life, it is time for you to live yours before you and hubby are too old to do any fun things together.
He could live for many more years, my mother is 98 and still going strong, she is in AL and loves it, being around people her own age, activities and she doesn't have to lift a finger everything is done for her.
Good Luck.
my 95 yo Dad tried to verbally and emotionally abuse my live in 65yo BF. MY Mom also tries to get in any dig she feels she can justify.
I attribute this to their lifelong toxicity and geriatric dementia setting in.
if your Dad lives with you like my parents do it does get stressful at times. Avoidance is our most effective tool.
if your Dad has dementia, there is no reasoning.
You say he was always kind of mean. People like that get a thousand times worse when they get old.
If it turns out he has dementia which is not always the answer, have him placed in assisted living or memory care.
If he's just a mean and nasty person who enjoys instigating and spreading misery, tell him he has 30 days to get out of your house or you'll serve him with eviction.
Either way no one has to tolerate his nastiness anymore.
Hopefully hubby is not taking this nonsense to heart.
It may be time to get some caregivers to give you guys a break or look into assisted living. He won't like it but he apparently doesn't like your house either.
Getting old is not a free pass to act mean towards family members.
If dad has dementia going on, get him properly evaluated and into Memory Care Assisted Living where he can have autonomy and you can get peace back in your life and your dh doesn't have to tolerate ugliness from his FIL.
Multigenerational living is normally a short term plan and why senior living residences are popping up like flowers everywhere. Because we all deserve peace and tranquility in our lives.
I have to ask if this has been going on for 10 years why did you put up with it for 9 years and 11 months? And that 11 months is letting him off easy, it could well have been 9 years 11 months and 2 weeks.
What kind of care does dad need?
I think a tour of a couple of Assisted Living facilities is in the near future. Or if he needs Skilled Nursing then look at Skilled Nursing facilities. If he in fact has dementia then begin looking at Memory Care for him.
I am surprised that your husband has put up with being treated badly in his own home for this length of time.
Why does he require this care from you?
You say this is part time care but you say your dad lives with you. How does your husband feel, after 10 years of living with him, about continuing to live with him?
Does Dad have dementia?
If so, what you can do is understand that paranoia and anger is a part of many dementias and that your Dad is not capable of rational reasoning now. Then set aside what he says and move on.
If, on the other hand, your father is rational and without dementia, then it may be time to make choices about how much care you wish to continue to provide to him.
Certainly your husband should not be required to give care to someone who is abusive to him verbally, whether rational or not, if he doesn't wish to.
What you can do is start looking for another place for him to live. He’s going to get worse, and he’ll need professional care.