Okay, I said this before. My dad fell and went to the hospital. Had a UTI and sepsis. Went into AL. Been there a week. He is considerable worse with his dementia but can fool many by talking about what he remembers. He is 98 and still driving as well. Has macular degeneration and cannot see see very well. Cannot hear either. His house was a complete disaster. We're in the process of cleaning it out, putting in all new windows, doors, kitchen, baths, etc. As it was a crumbling nightmare. So my brother lives in NJ all his life and had little to do with our parents. My dad LOVES him and treats him like a god. I'm kind of the trash. No really! Before covid he was out to eat with us 3 times a week and I seen the decline but kept him going to keep him happy. Since covid he has declined rapidly. He has fallen many times and there was always someone to pick him up. Last time he fell he was crawling around on the floor for over 15 hrs. That's when the neighbors found him and called 911. So since he has been in AL for a week and my brother has called him and the nurses everyday. Telling my dad my hubby and I are no good and he should get away from us. I know he wants the little bit of $$ my dad has. He filed for bankruptcy recently. I'm not touching anything as I know my dad wants him to have it. I'm just holding all his cards until he's well. I have dpoa for almost 7 yrs. Also guardian. I spoke to the administrator and she told me my dad cannot go home for a while. Until he is well enough to walk and kind of take care of himself. Well today, the AL called and said he is scheduled to go home next Tuesday! I think my brother bugged them all the time until they just want my dad gone now. I am making arrangements for him to come to our house for awhile until I can get his home cleaned out and redone for him to live there. And there's driving. My dad wishes to continue to drive. He has run into his kitchen with his car and only god knows what else he's done on the road! But he wants his keys back as well.
Now, my name is on the deed with him. To avoid probate in FL. My brothers name is on his bank account as POD. No issues so I thought. My brother has made my dad yell and scream at me every night since he's been in AL. I know cause that's what my dad tells me. It's been a big mess and the stress is almost too much. My question is will my brother be able to come down here and take my dad to another attorney and change everything to his name? I know he's doing all this for the $$ right now. Otherwise, he doesn't do anything but call him once a month. Maybe seen my parents a handful of times in their lifetime. Not sure what to do or if I can do anything. I cannot speak with anyone who will give me a straight answer. Any suggestions would be a big help.
From your description of your father and your brother, I'm sure you don't have an easy job of it. But it does also seem that the job is beyond you. It might be best to resign your DPOA, and I'm not quite sure what kind of guardianship you're talking about but that too, and let your brother take over. If they both end up sorry at least it won't be your fault.
And for heaven's sake do not invite your father into your home. If your brother is supporting your father's decision to discharge himself from the ALF, your brother must also take responsibility for his accommodation - either your brother or your father, anyway.
Why do you keep saying yes to everyone who asks? When the ALF called and said he was coming home Tuesday, what possessed you to agree with this sudden change in plan? - and not only agree, but facilitate?
It's not irreversible. So reverse it!
Thank you all for your responses.
Stop dreaming the impossible dream. It’s time to face reality. We love our parents but it isn’t always possible to make exceptions for them. If their dream will ruin our lives then they must let go of their wants and accept what they need instead. How many times did you want something in life and you couldn’t have it? I know that I can’t begin to count how many. Yet, I can’t say that I having every single thing that I wanted would have made me happier. Having what I needed was enough. Your dad is being provided with what he needs in life.
Throw dementia into the mix and how can you possibly expect for him to find total contentment. It’s not happening, not now, nor in the future.
You can’t fix the situation with your brother either, so let it go.
I hate being so blunt but I would hate seeing you making the situation worse by making poor decisions. It’s so hard living with the consequences of our bad choices. Do all that you can to prevent this nightmare from becoming even worse.
Wishing you peace during this challenging situation.
Agreed.
Many younger people want things, eg free money from parents, many older people want to live alone when they can not look after themselves or their home. Many people with dementia don't know they have it so want all sorts of impossible things. All magical fairytales.
Bluejasmine, how about Dad stays AT THE ALF until his house is habitable?
If he comes to stay with you, you know what will happen. Don't you. His house will never be ready until he is unable to live alone, and he will be with you 'til the end of his days.
Good heavens, what are you going to do if dad moves in with you, under YOUR roof and YOUR homeowner's insurance and kills someone with that car that he insists on driving? What is your plan when your brother continues to get into dad's ears and takes dad for whatever money he has left? Then dad can't qualify for Medicaid, brother disappears and YOU'RE left holding this s**t-filled bag? Let your brother take dad to another attorney and let them do whatever it is they think they should do, and remove yourself from it. Hell, go along with them to make sure you're taken completely ***and legally!!!*** OUT of the equation!
I know, it goes against almost everything we're taught from childhood on, to care for and respect our elders, especially our parents...but this is a TOXIC situation that will not end well for anyone involved; to protect yourself, you have to mitigate the damage it can cause to you and your family.
There is no saving someone who refuses to grab onto the lifeline. Doesn't mean you have to sink alongside with them. If dad thinks he's better off without you and with your brother, then give him the opportunity to find out once and for all if that's the case. And don't look back, and don't feel guilty.
Good luck to you!
* Dad stays in AL.
* Brother gets told to Get Far Away
* Get a lawyer to protect Dad from elder abuse.
* Talk to to AL DON. If calls from bro upset Dad - no more calls. Same for you. If Dad calls to yell. Hang up.
Regarding Dad living alone again or driving his car.
"Yes Dad, that would be nice" Smile, nod - ignore.
THIS!!! Do you want to be his fulltime caregiver???
As long as your continue to try to be part of this swirling stew I suspect there will be nothing but grief of it for you. But it will have to be your own choice for your own life at this point, and I sure wish you well whatever your choices are.
My brother, and I do love him, has a lot of his own problems - and is incapable of acting in a responsible manner. He came to visit mom at her AL living late one night - mom was already in bed. He stayed the night roaming around AL and fell asleep on the floor of the chapel - scaring the early morning aids half to death. I told the director that he was not to be allowed into the facility after the front doors were locked.
Mom hopefully will be moving to a new IL facility (she was in AL because of dad who has since died). I will be telling them (my brother lives in another state) that he can not come in after hours and most likely not allow her to go out with him - though if she really, really wants to, then it will be her decision. While he has been consistently broke, mom will not let him manipulate her - at least while she is in her current right mind.
Good luck and may you be blessed with peace and love.
I'm so sorry about your dad. Mom seems to be doing well.
Good luck to you as well and God Bless.
If you have guardianship then you have control. Dad had to have been found incompetent for the court to allow the guardianship. What documents did the Lawyer present to the Court proving that Dad had Dementia, at least. Dad must have been evaluated by doctors at the time for incompetency. And Dad should have been present at the court hearing so the Judge could ask him questions.
IMO, your father is incompetent and as such cannot enter into any contracts. He cannot assign a POA because there is a guardian which overrides any POAs. Get your papers out and read them. Run this by the lawyer that set up the guardianship or any lawyer. Ask what your rights are and Dads. When you get this info, then go from there.
Be strong. Now is not the time to be indecisive. The decisions you make are going to effect your entire life.
Your dad is going to adapt to whatever comes his way. He doesn’t need to be bailed out. He isn’t in jail. He is being cared for.
See All Answers