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My mom is 92 and getting to the point where she may need diapers and to be fed. I don’t feel that I can handle that at all. It’s just my own personal issues that I feel very uncomfortable with. Even helping her into the shower bothers me, although I have done it. My sister and I take turns having her with us but mom is getting to the point that I don’t feel that I can handle it anymore. She spits out her pills and won’t eat. I feel very badly about it but certain physical things have always bothered me. Mom had some problem with a creepy looking toenail and I couldn’t even look at it. It was removed but is this something that I need to somehow just muscle through? I just want to cry because I feel like I am being unreasonable or something but I just can’t do some things that need to be done.
If I don’t do it then it will fall on my sister to do it all and I know she will be angry about it. I do feel an obligation to take care of mom, but certain things really gross me out and I just can’t do it. I’m already raising my 2 granddaughters, 9 and 11, and I just feel exhausted and depleted. I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to pay for help as I am already raising the 2 kids alone.
Are there other people that feel this way about certain bodily functions? How do you do it?

You look for caregivers that can come in and help out. The caregiver can come in and help with showers and if mom needs incontinence wear (aka "diapers") the caregiver can change them. But with that you are looking for someone all day.
OR
You start the process of getting mom into a facility that will meet her care needs.
That could be Assisted Living, Memory Care (If she has a diagnosis of any dementia) or Skilled Nursing (this would be for someone with chronic medical issues)
Mom's funds pay for both options.

You do not have to feel bad about knowing what you can and can not do.
I can tell you that you would probably get used to changing soiled briefs just as you have gotten used to giving mom a shower. Doesn't mean you enjoy it, it is just part of your routine.
I will say it is probably not a good idea to shuttle mom back and forth between two locations. I would say pick the best of the two places and when it is the other persons turn to help out you go to the other house. (Or do hire the caregiver and that gives you both a break.)
There is a good possibility that mom might qualify for Hospice. If so you would have a CNA that would come 2 times a week to give mom a bath or shower and the CNA would order all personal items, gloves, wipes, briefs, absorbent pads, ointments, lotions and they would all be delivered.
A Nurse would come 1 time a week to check on mom and order all medical supplies, medications as well as any equipment that you need and that would also be delivered.

Check with the local Senior Service Center and or the local Area Agency on Aging and see if mom qualifies for any services.
If her husband was a Veteran she may qualify for services through the VA.

Please do not feel bad about knowing what you can and can not do, many people don't and that can lead them to think they can do more than they can.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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It's okay to have personal boundaries, and it's okay to not cross your personal boundaries. Each of us have different strengths and talents, not having the ability to take on high needs caregiving is not a weakness and it does not mean you don't care, it just means you are human and your strengths lie elsewhere. Forcing yourself to go above and beyond will not only hurt your soul, it can ultimately hurt the love and respect you feel for your mother - you can still be her caregiver and her fierce advocate without taking on these tasks.
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Reply to cwillie
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Hi kjfor, YES many of us here have had that issue, how do I or will I do it, when the time comes? I won't! I made it very clear to mom and my family how far I'll go, what I'm willing to do and what I'm willing not to do. But I will say I'm not POA, so what happens if the time comes will be my brothers problem. I'm not sure who your moms POA is?

Your have nothing to feel guilty about some people can handle that stuff some can't. I can handle some, but I know I can't handle when my mom's in pain. Everyone has there limits.

Honestly your job needs to be your grandchildren. They need Grandma in a better mood, with a lot less stress, sounds like mom needs to go in a facility, so you can do what you can for them, and for you, your getting burnt out and it's not a good place to be, for your health, physical and mental.

Id say figure out on paper, what you can and are willing to do, stick to it , have a meeting with your sister, that this just can't be done anymore. If sis wants to pick up the slack, that is up to her, if not mom needs to go in a facility. Sister maybe angry at first, but she will get over it, and in the long run you will be doing your sister a favor too, by getting mom in a facility.

Best of luck, welcome to are forum, and please let us know how things are going.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Peasuep Oct 12, 2024
What I really appreciate about your answer Nacy is the fact that you added PAIN into the equation. I’ve thought about the usual, unpleasant things caregivers have to get used to, things like the OP is talking about, and like so many things in life, I’m not really sure what I would be able to handle, even after raising a couple of kids. Those things in an adult are a whole different ballgame in my opinion.
But I’ve never really thought about pain. Or FEAR. Pain or Terror in the eyes of a helpless being absolutely undoes me.
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There are plenty of people who feel as you do, and it’s not a wrong reaction. We all have things in life that are beyond our capabilities. Give yourself some grace and acceptance here. If you back out of this, as you should, it doesn’t mean it all goes on your sister unless she CHOOSES the job. And it she does, that’s on her, not your fault. A better plan would be getting mom professionally cared for so you both can be her caregivers advocates instead of trying to keep up with an ever growing list of hard to accomplish needs. Many of us have found ourselves in this place, where it was just too much. It’s sad, but not our faults, just the ravages of old age. Talk with your sister, let her know you will no longer be doing this, and ask her to consider other care. If she will, great, if not, accept her choice. Guarding your own health and future is never wrong, especially when you have two young children depending on you
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Its time to place Mom in Longterm care. If she has no money, then apply for Medicaid. Seems to me you have enough on your plate raising two children. Maybe your sister can have Mom in her home, and you help while the girls are in school.

I was just like you and cared for Mom almost 2 years. I ended up placing her in an Assisted Living and later LTC. She was 89 and did well in hoth.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Time to accept that your mother needs to be placed in a facility. You and your sister are in over your heads. No guilt should placed on either of you.
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Reply to MeDolly
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Don’t feel guilty . A lot of people have similar issues with the physical caregiving .

This is also too much work for you and your sister . Mom is needing more than you can provide .

Mom needs long term care placement .
Call your local County Area Agency of Aging to get help navigate placement . They will do a needs assessment and help find the right level of care for Mom , which sounds like it may be SNF , especially with the need to be fed .

Check your County website for the number .
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Reply to waytomisery
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It's my own opinion that you and sister need now to place your mother.
If sister refuses then the care is all hers, and her anger won't much figure in anything; she will have made a choice.
This isn't sustainable and I think it doesn't have a whole lot to do with "body functions" which, if you are caring for little ones has been something you are very familiar with and handling well. This has to do with your being completely overwhelmed and unable to go on at this level. Your mom has now come to the level of care needed being several shifts of multiple people. Not one person. You are a human being with limitations, not a Saint. And the job description for Sainthood isn't a good one, so Sister should consider that before she CHOOSES to take this on.

Only you can make the choice. I personally could not go on and I think it robs other family members requiring your caring. I wish you the best in your choice. There is no "happy ending" in aging care. There IS an ending that can bring peace and relief but there's little of happiness here, and you didn't cause it and can't fix it, so guilt is OFF THE TABLE. Recognize and honor your limitations.
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