My Dad only has a couple weeks left. I've been asked to transport Dad, in a homemade casket, to the cemetery in my truck. I'm uncomfortable with this idea and have told my family so. I understand the need to save money and want to be supportive, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea.
Among other issues, I'm not sure what I need from a legal standpoint to be able to do this. My brother, who is making the arrangements doesn't know. I think he thinks we're just gonna load Dad up and take him down. The cemetery wants us to think that we can't do it ourselves. I've been trying to do my own research, but I'm not coming up with anything and am not sure who to call to find out.
I imagine I would need a copy of the death certificate in case I got pulled over. What else?
My husband has requested that his remains be put in a U-Haul box and buried in the forest. I’m not taking that seriously. LOL
Is the desire to DIY for money or other reasons? Ask yourself if transporting the casket & his body will help your healing process. If not - maybe it makes sense to pay a funeral home to transport the body for you? We had a barebones funeral for mom and the home's charge for transport to crematorium was around $200. When we brought her ashes to the cemetery - they charged $500 to open & close the grave but it was clear they were not used to working with families as opposed to funeral homes. Someone needed to be the go-between and I remember my grief had to take a backseat to the logistics.
Not using a funeral home is like going to court without a lawyer - you'd have to be very educated and prepared to protect yourself. 2 weeks might not be enough time to achieve that level of knowledge...
Thinking through DIY funerals - I would want to know:
1) where will dad go after he dies (deceased bodies need refrigeration unless you're going to bury him right away)
2) who is going to prepare the body and put it in the casket
3) who will put the casket in the truck & then again in the ground
4) what documents are needed for this process, etc.
Here in MN, a body will never be released to an individual. It must be only to a licensed funeral home. Find out the rules before assuming anything.
As for thinking my post was a prank...is anyone familiar with the Janet Evonavich (sp?) books with Stephanie Plum? The first thing I thought of when asked to transport my Dad was, "I need a Lula!". So, there you go.
I want to thank everyone who made suggestions and to let you know that I will follow up on some of them. The hardest part of all of this is not being able to communicate with my brother. So I concentrate on the parts I am being asked to do and try to keep the process simple. As many of you know, the "authorities" involved try to do the exact opposite. Usually because it is to their advantage.
My father wants to be buried next to his father, and my mother (who was cremated) will go into the casket with him. My brother has already signed a contract for that much. It's just the "funeral" side that still needs to be mapped out. But as I said before, I'm not asking because of the volatility of my brother's temper.
I am not a whiner. I believe in personal strength and responsibility. But Dad made his choices. And my brother made his. To those that will say, "that's a cop out", there is (isn't there always?) a whole story left untold here. History that is important. I have been over and over the choices along the way and know in my heart that we would still be where we are right now.
The fantasy that the family could come together for a laying out, have a service at home, transport to the cemetery, then have a party celebrating Dad's life is a wonderful one. I believe it takes a high level of family commitment and mutual support to be successful in removing the formal funeral home from the process.
That is not our family, however. My brother, in his grief, is more volatile than ever and I won't even go visit my father without my husband with me. Right now, I'm just trying to make sure he's not hanging me out to dry.
The transport is across a county line, within the same state. I will try to see what the local police in both counties say, and maybe the state troopers. I still haven't decided to do this, but this gives me something to do to keep my mind busy.
Since you are quoting movies...and after Jeannes post....remember Lonesome Dove where Captain Call carried Gus's body from Montana to Texas for burial? That portion of the story is taken from a real life occurance where cattle baron Charles Goodnight carried his business partner Oliver Loving's body to be buried in his favorite Pecan grove in south Texas.
In this new era and new economy we may even begin some new traditions of our own!
Between consulting with the coronor's office and the cemetary rules, you will have your answer. And if you don't feel comfortable using your truck, have your family rent one for the day. Sorry for your loss.
If so, what you all are planning is along the lines of "aninut" which is the traditional within 24 hours burial done by Jews. Burial needs to be done within the first 24 unless the Sabbath or high holy days push it to within 72 hrs. But has to happen within 72. At the gravesite just a short prayer & dirt turn with a spade but no real graveside service. No tent, no at-the-church service, no mass, no visitation, no funeral procession, no long involved funeral & graveside service as Catholics or Protestants can do. Sometimes only a couple of family will even go graveside as everbody else is at whatever home that is going sit shiva.
I mention this because if there is a Congregation or synagogue where you are, they are going to have a funeral home that their members use & that know what has to be done to be within state laws for a direct burial. I'd call and ask what FH are on their list. Now within "aninut" a FH is involved with a basic service fee and they usually transport the body in a minimal cost container to cemetery & arrange for grave prep. cost is around 1K - 3K all in.
You can also contact the Medical Examiners office or coroners office to find out what state law requires as well.
As I stated before, there are pretty clear laws about the handling and burial of the deceased in every state....some states are quite liberal, some are not. You need to know those laws in your state before you load the pickup truck and drive into a heap of trouble right when you don't need it.
I suggest that if you do this at all, you have some fun with it.
BUT a very valid reason not to do it, whatever the law says, is that YOU are not comfortable with the idea. You do need to do your fair share, and you want to be supportive. But I think expecting you to transport the body in this way is above and beyond a reasonable fair share.
If money is the major concern, cremation may be a more acceptable and dignified alternative, with a memorial service as convenient, perhaps in a community center rather than a funeral home.
This is your father's death we are talking about. Your feelings about how his remains should be treated are as valid as your brother's. Decide for yourself how you want to participate in this event.
You can save on a casket by ordering it from Costco (no kidding, google it they have detailed instructions). They ship to the funeral because the body needs to be prepared - not a DIY option.
Lastly, check the web page for your medical examiners office. In my county, at least, they have very detailed instructions for low income deceased, there is a free option.
The way I see it is, if You ask the Authorities They will refuse and say..oh there are certain standards You need to meet....
But if You go right ahead You will probably succeed because You will have the advantage. Good Luck.
Babalou - He has been in contact with the cemetery and signed a contract for the burial portion of the process. They gave him the dimensions for the grave liner so the casket could be made to fit within the boundaries.
Folks, I will answer your questions as I can, but I was just wondering if anyone had done this themselves and what the receiving cemetery had required. I have read stories of folks "laying out" at home and finding "green buriels". Transportation to such must be part of the process.
It is an understatement to say my brother and I don't communicate well. And though I know I may not be phrasing things well, he, in his grief, takes his angst out on me. As a result, I investigate all my own questions to avoid negative confrontations. This whole process is hard enough.