My mother (82) believes she can decide who I (55) am allowed to date.
I don't think I signed up for constant emotional abuse and manipulation.
The man I am dating is very supportive and defends my mother in most disagreements.
Of course he does not know she doesn't approve of him and I have the feeling she'll be getting more bold and telling him to his face soon.
And why do you say your date “defends my mother in most disagreements”? Why is he involved in ‘disagreements’, presumably between you and your mother? This all sounds like a strangely over- close relationship between the three of you!
In the words of the great Billy Joel song "My Life"..
I don't need you to worry for me 'cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
... My Life, da da da d daa
Tell her it’s none of her business.
Keep your dates away from her .
Do you live with Mom?
Consider not or never living with your mother .
Is she pushing you to not date this man so that you are around for her more?
My mom is currently caregiving for my grandmother - who has dementia - from our perspective it is fairly mild but getting worse (she's 98). But one thing she has a significant issue with is SHADOWING.
She has regressed back to childlike- but also knows that she is my mother's mother - and has leaned into that role like it is all that matters - she wants to know where my mother is going, when she will be back, what she is doing, who she is with - and she worries for my mother's safety now more than she did when mom was an actual kid. (most of this I think is because for some reason she believes mom is all she has - my grandmother won't let any of the rest of us help).
Frankly I love my grandmother - but she is suffocating my mother - and it's frustrating for me to watch because I can't help.
Another thing that I've noticed is that my grandmother has ZERO filter - she says whatever thought pops into her head. We've actually gently tried to correct her on a few things as they are inappropriate and/or really not acceptable in "polite" conversations.
It really depends on a number of things. My mom has chosen the "hills to die on" - she goes and does what she wants - and just ignores my grandmother's criticisms (and there are many).
I also don't agree with the way you live yours.
So we actually do have something in common.
Some parents can't separate you as a kid to you as an adult and honestly because they gave birth to you, they think they own you for life.
You just have to set strong boundaries, keep your life as private and as separate as you can. Because most likely she tries to control other aspects of your life.
And remember her brain is aging, she my be in pain, arthritis ect...
She may be lonely and sits around thinking negative thoughts all day. So let what she says go in one ear and out the other, and live the life you want to live
You describe a person who probably has the beginnings of dementia: they are rapidlly losing their reason and logic, good judgment, filter, empathy, flexibility, etc. No point in grinding on it, just do your best to educate yourself about it so that you can learn how to better interact with her, if you must.
I learned a lot from Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. Very helpful.
A great question here is just WHY Mom thinks she has this much control over a 55 year old daughter? Seems some correction is in order.
She isn't listed as having any dementia? Does she?
If not it is as simple as "Mom, if you are not kind to the persons I choose to date I will have to not allow you to meet or converse with them, as it's an embarrassment to you. I am a grownup now and responsible for my own choices".
Be certain you are not fostering this sort of thing by asking her opinion. She will likely give it to you!
I do suspect that you are seeing the beginnings of some dementia if this is new behavior. I surely wish you good luck.
Perhaps keep your dating life seperate from your life enjoying time with your mom.
Do not discuss who you are dating, where you go and what you do.
Do not discuss any subject that will lead to "constant emotional abuse and manipulation" If you do you know where the conversation will lead and that is just adding fuel to the fire.
If she starts in you say the following
" Mom, I am not going to discuss this with you"
If she continues you do the following:
Walk out of the room. Leave the house
or
Disconnect the call.
She can not emotionally abuse you or manipulate you if you refuse to engage.
My GFs mother wanted to control her even after she married at 19. At 25 her and husband bought a house. Her Mom was livid that she was not included in seeing the house before they bought it.
If this is something new with Mom, Dementia may be setting in. If not, time for a sit down with Mom. "Mom I am 50, an adult. I am perfectly able to pick out my own dates. The time you may have been able to control that would have been before I was 18 not at 50."
Athough you say mother lives at home, you must live there too otherwise there wouldn't be all this going on. Move out and get autonomy and your own life now, with no input from mother. You won't regret it.
There is a lot we don’t know we are signing up for when we step into caregiving.
To be fair, there is a lot the homeowner didn’t bargain for either.
There are so many red flags here but I’m wondering did the BF move in? Planning to? Who will be the decision maker, chief cook and bottle washer so to speak in this triangle?
Relationships are hard but worthwhile, even necessary. If you are living with mom, you do have to consider the happiness of all or it will be hell for all.
As others have mentioned, you may have to move out and continue living your own life instead of propping up moms. You are too young to spend the next 10 to 20 years caring for your mom. You have had a preview so to speak of the future. That’s worth deep consideration. It’s okay to change your mind.
Why not have a great life…
If you live with your mom and she is interfering in your personal life, it is time to move out.
If she lives with you, then tell her that you are going to date whoever you want to date.
What’s up with that boyfriend of yours taking your mom’s side? That wouldn’t sit well with most people. Are you okay with this?
It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t know that your mom doesn’t approve of him or not. He isn’t showing any understanding for your position.
What reason does he have for taking her side? Seems a bit odd to me.
When I moved out of my parents’ house, they never concerned themselves about my dating life, because they trusted my judgment.
You are way past the age of needing to be chaperoned or advised on who you should be dating.
Best of luck to you.
People can only do to us what we allow them to do, so quit allowing your mother to control you.
You're a grown ass woman now, so start acting like one.
And I hope and pray that you're not living with her or her with you, as that would have been your first mistake.