Resulting in ending up in ER and this is the second go around at the hospital.
I am trying my best to get Medicaid or Medicaid pending for her but she refuses to help herself or drink water or do anything to get stronger.
Looking at 'it's a matter of time before she gets sick from dehydration' not if, but when.
I'm so burned out from dealing with her manipulating the nurses, against me, then complaining to me about what they don't do so I'll come to her defense. I'm done with it.
The NHs that have the beds wants her to pay for room and board, up front and she doesn't have the money and neither do I. It's a risk for them. I get that.
The case managers and Drs. all agree that the system is flawed. I can only take so much more of this coming at me every day.
I didn't go to the hospital for one whole day and they had to give her an IV drip for dehydration and she still won't drink water. Gets angry at me for preaching.
I read on another thread how someone's mother acted like she was in some grand hotel when she requested something from the nurse. My Mom did the same thing today. 'Yes, this is Ms. ____ and I need someone to come in and help me go for a walk'
Then later goes to the bathroom to pee, gets back in a nice clean bed and after a few minutes I decide to leave.
Calls me later to tell me she sneezed and wet the bed and it was because they didn't want her to have a pure wick etc., etc. When in fact she had stopped peeing the day I wasn't there and was given a drip for hydration. Her urine was dark brown and they were concerned about a UTI also. So, it's their fault. But they were so nice to her after and didn't mind cleaning her up again. Yeah right.
Sorry this is long. I needed to vent.
I found the older post when I googled the word manipulation.
It was from RainMom in Jan 2019.
As hard as it is.. does it help or change things if you ask or tell Mom to drink? Nurses & Doctors can ask her, warn her of the consequences, order a swallow assessment if needed, set up IV fluids if needed.
I tried to encourage drinks, warn etc. No change. Now I merely put a glass in view & within reach. I draw attention to it with a gesture (my words are pointless - reply most nearly always NO)
Then I shrug. Oh well. 😶
Mom is refusing drinks, refusing PT/OT. *refusing care*
She may continue to travel the healthcare circuit: hospital - rehab (or if not participating, respite) - hospital - rehab etc - until a new bed is located. One in permanent care.
In your shoes I would speak to the case manager or social worker. Ask how they stop this circuit.
Case manager at the hospital said Medicare would not pay for rehab , and she would get OT and PT at home . She lives at my nephews house . They kept pressuring my nephew to take her home and telling him that being in familiar surroundings will help. Nephew wasn’t comfortable taking her home when she was acting crazy and they said she needed 24/7 supervision but he works . So then , they suggested my nephew put sis in respite care but there is no money so he could not .
While this was going on , sis had good and bad days. Also while this was going on it was different people all the time that would call my nephew . He ended up stalling by not answering his phone , letting it go to voice mail . Waiting until the end of day to call them back . It gave him time to get a break and it gave my sister time to improve before going home .
So sometimes , stalling , acting alittle dumb buys you some time when needed. Letting the phone go to voicemail can also be done with Moms phone calls. You can listen to the message and call later if it’s not urgent .
Your Mom may bounce back and forth . It is exhausting but she’s safe in a facility and not home with you that way . You can’t force her to drink . Let this play out , it’s buying you time until Medicaid comes through , hopefully Medicaid comes through soon .
Where the caseworker got sneaky is in her notes she said that my nephew was going to take PTO to be her caregiver he never said that .
I think I would step back and let the nurses handle her.
If you don't want to be at her back and call, don't be. Say "no, I can't do that, mom".
If she needs to stay hydrated and she won't drink, let them give IVs. It's not up to YOU to sit there are force her to drink.
I'm sorry if this sounds cold, but you can't care more about someone else's health than they do
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It must feel like Groundhog Day.
I really like Beatty's list of non-committal responses-I see, let me get back to you.
They allow you to think through if a plan is actually a good idea, and what the expectations will be of you if that plan is implemented.
Deep breaths!
I know my judgement is clouded by the fact she and I have never gotten along and I'm trying hard to separate those feelings from the actual facts of the matter.
I want her somewhere safe and clean and taken care of.
I would bet we have already suggested, if the nursing home cannot be paid for, that you go to an elder law attorney? If not it is time to. You don't remind us of mom's age. What is her income and is it social security with no assets only? She can get medicaid even if she does need to put her own current funds toward her nursing home costs.
You CAN get her placed, tho, as Igloo observes, with how complicated it is these days it is not DIY.
WHAT have you already tried to get Mom in placement.
You bring up that she will not cooperate to get better.
Yes, perhaps she cannot and perhaps she will not, but whichever it is, it won't change.
So accept that now.
Mom will get weaker. Will sustain falls and infections. Will eventually need palliative care and hospice. You may be looking at the beginning of a slow slide to the end.
And it is likely to be slow and with complications, so I suggest placement lest you predeceed her from the stress and anxiety.
As to the stress incontinence story? Stress incontinence with sneezing, coughing, laughing is exceptionally common in the elderly. I suggest a pad.
Elders lose any normal "drive" to take in fluids. They are not thirsty. They almost always present with blood work showing dehydration. But brown urine is VERY concentrated if this is a healthy live. So again, this is some sign that this may be progressing past point of repair. Your continuing to try to "change mom" is going to be frustrating to you both.
I am so sorry. This is what aging in the USA is about. It surely isn't about quality of life. Only about quantity that isn't a blessing to the elder or to anyone else other than the medical industry.
Speak with the social workers at hospital. Need is correct that a lot of placements are made at time of hospitalization because family simply cannot "do it" anymore. Sounds like you are close to that, or already there.
I am so sorry for all you're going through.
I have thought very much about quality of life. She is leaving these things up to me and I can't fix this.
And I would if I could but with my brothers house in probate and her as the administrator I have been handling things with a lawyer just not with Mom yet. Why was she made administrator to his estate-I couldn't do it because of my own finances and home,because it would have made things even more complicated.
They won't do an unsafe discharge for her. They are saying there is no medical reason to keep her there. But can't release until placement is found.
The risks are all around.
I'm just not willing to risk my life anymore.
Thank you AlvaDeer, this site again is the support I need. I do have a therapist. I am trying to keep my health in check. appts, etc.
You ARE mom's POA, yes?
How much of an estate are we talking about? What is the house worth?
If mom now has "resources", might it be better for mom to private pay (with monies she's inheriting) to a closer NH that will accept Medicaid down the road when she has run through those funds?
ETA, as long as you can visit once a week. Having her at a distance might be what you need right now.
I took the letter of admin to the estate to the person who is helping with the Medicaid application.
Not to go off subject but I really miss my brother and I haven't had time to mourn him. Talking about his things and estate, etc. Just too much. I think I'll say goodnight. I'll try to give an update tomorrow.
In the meantime thank everybody for your support and replies.
Sometimes we have to sort out what we DON'T want to help us decide what we DO want.
No to out of town.
No to home.
No to you being the caregiver.
It's starting to shape the plan.
Well done.
Yes to home, yes to being her caregiver.
The reasons: she had resources that would need to be paid down. Those resourses would not have sustained 2 months in an snf. Maybe one month. Buy not enough for 2. Lawyer needs paid. Also, thought like a dumba$$ that we can live in her house (the one in probate) and it's cold in this house and electrical needs work.
So, tomorrow the home health nurse is coming in and we will be going back to my house. Smaller but I have heat.
I had a really good friend stay with Mom last evening so I could run up to the store and get some things from my house. I don't know why I thought this was a good idea..
Oh but I do know why. I thought she would be more comfortable here at this house.
I know I won't be getting any real sleep for the foreseeable future. Her meds schedule is round the clock. Her food and water intake also have to coordinated.
One of the plus sides to staying at the house is she can get her walker inside the bathroom here.
I'm waffling on whether to stay, tough it out here and get the electrical things fixed and get decent heat going or going to my house. I 😳🙄
The weather is going to get extremely cold the next few days and then be manageable after that.