I made the hard decision for mum to go into full time care as I can no longer give her the constant care that she needs. She has no memory left, long or short term and just wants to be with me to the point I can not clean the house or anything. When I visit her she just begs to come home, it seems to be the only thing she knows. How do I deal, or should I bring her home? It kills me when she gets so upset when I visit her.
If it continues, I would prepare in advance for it. My philosophy is to handle it in any way that works, keeping in mind that any answer you give will not be remembered in 5 minutes, so it's what happens in the moment that matters. If a certain answer works then its the right answer.
I have said that I'm waiting on the doctor's report to get her paperwork processed; that I'm working right now, but have put a request in to take off and pick her up later that week; and that the house is being repaired and she can come when it's finished. Then I change the subject and talk of something else.
If the questions continue, If she says, When can I come home. I say, that's a lovely sweater, let's go walk to the patio and look at these pictures I brought you. What's your favorite color? I go on and on asking her questions to distract her. So, if the answers I give don't work, I just stop them and only keep to my own dialogue of other subjects. I just try to keep the visit pleasant. Try to remember that it's not feasible to keep a patient with advanced dementia happy or content. You are fortunate if that happens, but it's common for them to be discontented.
DISCUSS her anxiety with her doctor. See if medication to help her anxiety is an option. My cousin did MUCH better after she went on Cymbalta. It's for anxiety, depression and pain. It brought her so much contentment. I can't tell you how much it improved her mood. And she doesn't worry about leaving. She says she is very happy there.
You have to develop a certain focus when visiting so this doesn't upset you. You know it's for her own welfare and that's what is important. You did the right thing and she is just not able to process it due to brain damage. Keep that in mind.
The going advice is to distract with prompts to talk about their favorite memories and to tell you about those times with open questions.
Taking her out of care would be the worst thing you could do, so take that off the table.
I found videos on youtube for my mom to watch and be distracted. I searched for "1940s Albemarle NC" and found a lot of old home movie footage that had been uploaded. She would watch it on my ipad. Try that for the decade your mom was young and her home town.
I also found that she would calm down for videos of the old timey congregational acapella church singing, like they did in her church when she was growing up.
We have to do the research to figure out what from their past will be calming and reassuring, and try to bring those elements forward in whatever way possible.
All the best to you. We have all been down this road, and I hope you know you are doing the right thing having your mom in care and that is nothing to feel conflicted or guilty about. We have to do what we must to keep them safe.