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My 95 year old husband is extremely agitated in the nursing home. He seems to feel they are good people caring for him but he resents not being able to make his own decisions. I realize now that during our 60 years of marriage he has always been in control--it was always easier to let him make decisions than to disagree. He no longer has the control he is accustomed to and can't seem to adjust to that.

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You have made the right choice. Don’t feel guilty about your decision.

He will have to acclimate to his new surroundings.

I wouldn’t argue about it. Let him vent if you can take the complaining or you can tell him that you are tired of hearing it.

Another possible solution is to talk to his doctor about meds to calm him down. Tell the doctor exactly what you have posted.

It is not good for you to get stressed out. You have done what is best for both of you and I wish he appreciated your concern about him.

If he was controlling and you gave into him now he is going to find out how you felt. In a perfect world he would apologize to you.

Best wishes to you and your husband.

Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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We all like to be in control of our own lives I suppose. But some certainly have a stronger streak of control than others.

I think in time he will adjust. He will find the choices he does have choice over (which shirt to wear) what day for a shower, if not everyday, what dessert etc. Small things I know. But they help.

Often once people gain a little more trust in their caregivers they will let a little more control go.

It's a big change for both of you.
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Davenport Apr 2021
'Once people gain a little more trust ... they will let a little more control go.' For many years my sibs and my lives were controlled by our (85-now 95) mom who never knew to trust or accept help; yet I'm almost certain it's never occurred to her how much of a truly unhealthy, negative, debilitating impact it's had on our lives. My experience with my mom has taught me the importance of learning to trust and accept help, and not being a miserable old person to employees and helpers at a facility, and make them hate their jobs. I pray that 'we' are the last generation of 'non-volunteer' caretakers. Naturally, everyone would like to 'go in their sleep at home', without ever being a burden or experience any emotional or physical pain. But I now believe that that is a childish concept.
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In caregiving we often have to make unpalatable choices because there just aren't any others, it's a matter of doing the best we can and finding the least bad solution. I was constantly running up against things that displeased me about my mother's nursing home but I knew I couldn't continue to care for her at home as I had been doing, the best I could do was advocate for her and spend time with her. At it's heart every AL or NH is an institution and those living there must adapt or be miserable, and the loss of autonomy is going to be harder for some - that's one of the reasons they say getting old isn't for sissies.
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Hire in-home help so he can stay at home. Cost less than most nursing homes!
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newbiewife Apr 2021
I don't know where you live, but in-home help is way more expensive than a nursing home if you need a comparable level of care, i.e., someone 'on duty" 24 hours/day. Then there's also the cost at home of any specialized equipment or home modifications needed, incontinence supplies (if needed), food, etc. Not to mention the ongoing stress for the caregiver spouse who is still on call even there's an in-home worker. Giving up autonomy is for sure one of the downsides of aging that we rarely think about. I also think if someone is used to having a spouse or loved one constantly available at their beck and call at home, it's very hard being in an institutional environment where that's just not possible for staff who have to tend to multiple folks.
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If it is possible, hiring in home help would be a solution ro allow your husband to be at home. However, that depends on your needs and his (physical and emotional).
If it is not possible, speak to the staff to allow your husband to make choices, i.e. What time do you want lunch? 11 30 or 12. Would you like to sit outside this afternoon? etc.
I am sure that covid has played a large part in limitations, hopefully this will change.
Best wishes to you both.
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I think your husband would enjoy some management role...
Ask staff if he can be on a 'Resident's Committee' - reporting issues to staff every month or so to help run the facility. He may feel empowered with this responsibility and perhaps believe he is contributing to his care on a more personal level (as many don't want to be a burden). It's also a good reason to engage with other residents to seek their input.
Another good one is 'Fire Warden' - he gets a flashlight, whistle, and instructions to follow for mustering people/congregation points etc.. Again, it can restore his sense of being in charge (although this should not be taken too literally!).
A last suggestion, make him 'Chief Librarian' responsible for sorting books and managing loans/returns - it all depends on his capacity and interest, but they all involve being Numero Uno!
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jacobsonbob Apr 2021
I love these suggestions!
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If you can't care for him at home, then he will have to stay where he is. It is just the way things have to be and he will have to adjust and give up some control. At his age especially.
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I hope your loved is starting to adjust in the home.
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Loss of control over our lives is nothing new.

"Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go." John 21:18 ESV

It's sad and most of us hope to keel over before that happens, but it's a fact of life and aging. Others here have offered some great suggestions for easing your husband's inability to adjust to his new reality. Hope things get better soon.

FWIW, when my grandmother had to be in a nursing home, she would constantly complain to my mother about how awful it was and that she wanted to go back home. However, when my dad visited, she would tell him how great is was and how nice the people were. You just never know.
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There might be medication that would calm him down and make him feel less stressed about his situation. You could discuss this with his doctor.
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Do you honestly believe he will be happy at this time in life with his deficits no matter where he is? Was he happy before he went into care? Unfortunately old age is not a happy situation and there are few fix-it solutions in the matter. I think you will have to stop picking up the luggage. By that I mean you feel responsible to cure his unhappiness. I sincerely doubt that is possible. He may never adjust to the loss of control. He may never be happy again, because he can never again be well, whole, and in charge of his own life. Isn't that worth being unhappy about? I am so sorry you have to witness his unhappiness, and I am so sorry for all his losses on this long slow slide down in which everything is eventually taken from us, our control, our dignity, finally our lives. But it is a fact of life. Tell him you are so sorry, and that it causes you great pain to see him suffer, but that there is really no answer to this.
Trust me, taking him into your own perfect home with perfect caregivers would not be an answer either. I sure wish you luck, and am so sorry.
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nature73 Apr 2021
I came across this post & your response at just the right time. My dad will soon be 95 & is in Memory Care. He has vascular dementia & is more mentally functional than many of the other residents. But he's legally blind, very hard of hearing, & physically frail. Yet he says he feels like he should be doing something! I ask him what he wants to do & he has no answer. I know he's not happy, but as you stated there are few fix-it solutions. I feel guilt & sadness for him every day & were it not for this forum I don't know what I'd do!! He never was a half-full guy anyway.
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It is what it is and I hope when I am older I don't give my family a hard time. This is sad part of life.
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EllensOnly Apr 2021
I'm hoping the same.  I have already told my son not to put his life on hold if I need to be cared for in the future.  If I need placement then place me.  They will give me 3 meals a day and cut my toenails, that's all I need.  LOL
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He has a Dementia according to your profile. What kind of decisions does he feel he should be making? Because the facility should not be forcing him to do what he doesn't want to.

You are not going to be able to reason with him. Either are the staff. He has lost that ability. He is like a child, he wants what he wants. With short-term memory loss, things can be explained every day and he will not remember it. He may never "adjust" until his last stages. But if this causes him anxiety there are meds that will help.

Please don't try and bring him home. The stress in setting up care will be awful let alone the Dementia. Your wellbeing is important too.
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I went to my parents house one time to find my Mom so red in the face because she was so mad at my Dad. He was an instigator. Always liked to push her buttons and not when she was in a good mood. She also waited on him hand and foot. She was mad because at 77 or so he had been retired on disability for 25 yrs. She had asked when was she going to be able to retire, he said never. She blew up. She then told me...

"They don't tell you when you take those vows that when they become old you become old too and you don't feel like putting up with their s _ _ t anylonger"

I am mentioning this because OPs mentioned her DH is 95 with a Dementia. I am assuming that she is close in age. Because of this, she probably can no longer care for him because he is 24/7 care. To hire 24/7 care is not cheap. Plus, you are relying on other people to be there everyday and on time. I am 71 and that would stress me out.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2021
JoAnn,

That era did wait on their husbands hand and foot. My mom did it too. So did grandma.

So glad that changed! My husband never expected me to do that.

My MIL said that she made a point to teach her sons to respect women. My FIL expected the same thing, to be waited on.

I thanked my MIL for breaking the cycle. She raised considerate sons.

She had three sons, no daughters.

She was a sweetheart and would often tell me that I was her daughter.
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Unfortunately, Covid has RUINED many of the good things that often happened in my LO’s residential placement, but when things begin to normalize a bit, I’d make a bet that the activities staff in your husband’s residence will probably be able to develop situations in which HE can become “the Boss” again.

They can let him make choices for the group, choose what he wants to wear on a given day, choose whether activities should happen indoors or outdoors....

My LO, a lifelong single lady, was the Vice President of a well known local bank. If ever there was “THE BOSS”, it was SHE! After a few rocky months in Memory Care, the staff got wise to the fact that her “advisory capacities” needed an outlet, and what a difference they were able to make!

I notice that Kantankorous and I have had similar experiences, and I bet you an too!
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I HAD to place my mom with dementia at 83, thanks to her Geriatrician due to her behavior and to preserve my marriage. ( My husband ended up in the E.R) She didn't like it one bit and it took nearly 2 years before she "adjusted." Mom needed & is still on meds for her behavior at 87. Eventually our LO's settle in,
through the staff's help, activities,
and maybe he'll make a friend or two as well. Take care of yourself, be well & stay safe.
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I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I too have a husband who likes to be in charge and too often I have given in to him just to keep the peace. At the times I've stood my ground you'd think WWIII had broken out (and I'm almost 30 years JR to your husband.) Don't let his unhappiness make you unhappy, you can't make another person happy. If he doesn't adjust that is his problem not yours. If he is unhappy that is his choice. For sure aging is not for the faint of heart. Losing everything in an institution is very sad and hard to deal with. I know I hate being told what to do - and I'd probably rebel and say NO loud and clear. Hopefully after COVID lets up more he may get to have more decisions over his own life.

My father was quite willing to go to LTC leaving mom behind in AL. He liked being in control and was known to make decisions without consulting mom. He hated being helped, he was more than willing to be of assistance to others, but to be helped called into question his abilities. I will admit I hated the LTC facility within the community they lived. The help were leased workers and didn't seem to care, of course they are understaffed but the first room he was in did not work out and the staff seemed to completely ignore him, they didn't clean him up after meals - maybe he didn't cooperate, but when he got moved to another floor it was somewhat better and the night nurse was really good, they need many more of her. At some point it came, I was waiting for it - "When can I go home?" Unfortunately both mom and I had to tell him he was home because he was too weak to go home.

Good luck - be happy and find joy in your life even if you husband can't find it in his life.
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With very, very few exceptions, I have never heard of a single soul who is happy in a nursing home. To me it would be like living in hell - I'd make sure I did NOT survive very long. I assume that there are valid medical reasons why this person is there. If his mind is with it, he is going to rebel and there is nothing you can do about it. Some people can never adjust to living in a health care facility (like me - I live in assisted living). However, in my case, even though I can't walk, I make my own life as a "fish out of water here" and lead a completely full and independent life. In a nursing home, I don't think the residents have that option. And at 95 years of age, what in God's sake does he think he should be doing. You can't fix this - nor can he. So just ignore the ranting and raving. It is sad but that is the way it is if you are a prisoner in a nursing home.
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Davenport Apr 2021
Riley, I feel the same way. I'd like to see more of these frank thoughts and opinions here. It's still a 'touchy' subject for us caretakers, but it needs to be said and discussed. You said it very well. I've learned (the hard way) and have accepted with serenity that I can have compassion and empathy, yet also acknowledge frankly and honestly that it just sucks for all concerned [even for folks for whom money is no object]. Let's TALK about it, grow up, drop the guilt and the guilting, be responsible living persons, and make all arrangements to minimize our aging and deaths on younger ones. Society will not go to hell, I'm pretty sure of it.
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My aunt was quite happy in the nursing home she lived in and never complained about anything. She was my mother's sister, which is odd, because my mother complains non-stop about EVERYTHING. She lives in Memory Care for the past almost 2 years now, and pretends to the staff's faces that she's happy but then lashes out at me that it's a 'crazy house' and the residents are 'stupid morons' and on and on. Meanwhile, she's at the moderately advanced stage of dementia HERSELF but doesn't believe for a single minute there's anything wrong with HER. It's everyone ELSE that has issues.

Her latest rant is calling me to tell me she is trying to get in touch with the relatives (all deceased) because she wants them to come & get her to go live with them, but nobody 'wants her.' She's as ornery as the day is long at 94, is wheelchair bound, wears Depends, and has fallen 69x in Assisted Living and Memory Care. There is NO WAY she can be cared for in home, it's not safe or viable, but she won't hear of it. So it's a guilt trip all the time lately. DH & I are going over on Sunday to have a 'chat' with her about why we can't take her in, nor can my son or daughter. That's who's left of 'the family', as I'm an only child and all of her 7 brothers & sisters are deceased. The nursing home comes next because her $$$$ is running out for private pay, so I can't even imagine what level of complaining I'll hear when she has to live with a ROOMMATE.

I'm sorry she's miserable. I'm sure you're sorry your husband is miserable, too. It's what happens when people live to advanced old age and develop dementia and health issues that make living with loved ones impossible. There is no other alternative, so we have to take care to protect OURSELVES to some degree, so we don't wind up depressed and on 3 different medications to deal with the guilt that's laid on us.

I wish I had a great answer for you, but the truth is, I'm looking for one myself. I just plug along doing the best I can, trying to hold up a shield to ward off the blows my mother dishes out on a daily basis. Blows I don't deserve after 10 years of dealing with this. I don't feel that SHE deserves to live this life either, but I don't get a say in it, only God does. Extreme old age is nobody's friend, that's what I've learned over the past 10 years myself and I pray to God I pass away with dignity & grace long before I see it myself.

Wishing you the best moving forward.
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CaregiverL Apr 2021
Lealonnie1,
One day at a time...& remember you can’t reason with a patient with dementia...& she won’t remember any conversation 5 min later about why you can’t take her back home! Also, she will be adamant about the dead relatives not being dead! & say that you are the one who is crazy & wrong about relatives being dead! That’s what my mother does...
Leave her where she is.
Hugs 🤗
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Imho, perhaps he perceives himself as a much younger individual, one still capable of making decisions about his health, but that is, sadly, no longer true. Prayers sent.
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I am sure the staff allow him to make decisions he is capable of making about his care within reason. It make take him a little longer to become accustomed to the routine of his new home. If he continues to be anxious, agitated, or depressed after 3-4 weeks, please consult his doctor. He may need to be evaluated for depression and/or anxiety. Thankfully, there are medications that help with either problem.
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It's not your, or the NH staff's, responsibility to make him happy. Only he can do that.
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visit him & talk on phone but don’t take him home ..your health counts too...It will be unsafe for him & you for him to go back home
.Hugs 🤗
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