What do you do with their stuff?

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What do you do with their stuff?

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My mom had to move from an apartment into a NH rather quickly. My husband and I basically threw all her belongings into boxes, labeled them, and put them in our storage room. Most of her furniture we sold or gave away, as we really couldn't accommodate it, but there are a lot of small things like kitchen utensils that she will likely never use again. Every once in a while, she will ask for something that was (for example) in her top desk drawer, and I can locate it and bring to her. Sometimes her memory is amazing!

She likes to think that she will one day be independent again and need all those things, but I seriously doubt that she will ever be able to live alone or even in an assisted living situation.

I don't want to point that out because I'm sure it would make her sad - she's already sad that she doesn't have anywhere to keep all but just a few of her knick-knacks, photo albums, and such. Those things I would certainly hold on to for her. But the random things, the dozens of shoes she probably won't ever wear, the clothes that are too formal ever to be worn in a NH...how do I bring up the topic of letting them go without making her uncomfortable? We are running out of room for our own things, plus there is the possibility of moving.

Moving Relationships Senior Housing Skilled Nursing Facility

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This might not work for everyone. My mother had a house packed with stuff and refused to sell when she moved to AL. For a couple years I struggled to manage but finally the expense and time was too much. I started disposing of the trash first..The 30 years of National Geographic, etc. I started transferring the things I wanted, like photos, to my house. I crammed ever thing else into two sections of the house that I could lock up and rented the rest of the house to a woman who needed a place part time (she worked in another state and visited her child on weekends). It was understood i would continue to enter the house in her absence and she had a lower rent. I contacted the insurance agent to make sure all was ok and adjusted policy. The insurer was happy the house was not vacant...a big risk. I had help with the expense and time to start sorting.

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Sounds like it is working out for you. Aren't Moms something? That refusal to sell.... same here, same amount of time, and then when she finally agreed early summer.... it has been like a roller coaster but only going down... personal life, job, all of it.... very glad this year is almost done and on to the next year with high hopes of things being better. My Mom's house is about ready to be sold; that will be a huge weight off my shoulders. I wish you well with your endeavors! And an early Merry Christmas!!

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On the other hand, involving my mother in the process of elimination was NOT possible. My mother as so very many others become so attached to items (probably much like the hoarder type) that involving them is absolutely impossible and the wrong thing to do. It becomes very, very upsetting.

My mother became so upset over it that this summer she had a heart attack and a stroke along with a pronounced increase in dementia. It was 2 hours after I returned home from I think my 3rd trip to her house in another town to go through things.

We kept some items which are being used in her room and part of her decorations for Christmas being used now, and quite a bit of other items in storage, but it is really expensive at over $200 per month. Mom can afford it and for her peace of mind, for now, it works.

Just, REALLY think whether it is a good idea to involve your loved one.

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I have found that many people associate possessions with a memory or memories. While a pair of shoes or a kitchen utensil may seem like a disposable commodity to an older person the item may be valuable. My thought is prior to donating to a charity, if at all possible involve your mother in the process. Not to emphasize the negative but the p9sitive of sharing. Are there family members who may need or want some of her belongings? Maybe just keep the most precious to her because of storage.

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Not that this seems to apply to emanes, all the same I am disturbed by the number of people who discard someones belongings without too much thought, other than how quickly they can get get rid of the problem. While I appreciate there are frequently issues with storage options, not to mention extreme hoarding involved, we really need to factor in the owners feelings, yes, even if they have dementia.
People have a relationahip with their belongings, they place enormous value on them, and can be very hurt when they find others do not value them in the same way. My experience has been that what we consider their useless rubbish can be the key to unlocking their old memories, that we lose a valuable tool everytime we discard without thought.
One way to discard stuff but keep senior people happy is to involve them in the process. If they offer us something useless, dont say No, I have no use for it. Rather, say thankyou, I have just the use or place for that. Or, I know Jim next door uses that stuff all the time, I am sure he would really appreciate it.
Or Mum, may I borrow a particular item? I have always loved it, it would look so fabulous on my dining table. Or hey Dad, your grandson always talks about your cravat with the spots. He needs something extra special for some upcoming event, would you mind if he borrowed it? I am sure he would take real good care of it.
If you are lucky it will trigger early memories or, if you are even luckier, you will be able to separate owner from their string, rusty tin can collection, bits of useless paper collections et al. They just want their stuff to be valued and useful.
In my mothers case, she had to have orthopaedic shoes hand made, moulded to her specific and unique needs. Totally useless to anyone else, even if brand new. At that time there was an appeal for flood victims that involved a lot of elderly people. Mother willingly parted with her shoes, we convinced her they were going to a good cause. Even though she has advanced dementia she recalls that someone used the shoes. And that she is glad she no longer has to wear those clod hoopers, nor go through all the visits to get them made (a previously forgotten memory). I know she would be heartbroken if she knew the shoes went straight from my car to the rubbush bin, but as the saying goes, ignorance is bliss.

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I suggest not discussing it. Just do what you have to do. Keep a few pair of her favorite shoes that are usable to be interchanged occasionally with ones she currently has at the facility, as well as other small favorite things that can be cycled through the items she has with her so she has new feelings of familiarity and like she hasn't lost everything. There's really no reason to upset her with details that aren't going to change reality.

I loved Maple3044's response to you. I think she's right on. My close friend is currently emptying her mother's entire house and selling everything to save money to keep her mother supplied with her comfort foods while in the facility. There's no way she's telling her mother about any of it. As far as she's concerned, it's there waiting for when she gets home. And that's okay. We have to learn to live with not providing full disclosure.

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Hi Emanes, my father had some old things that he refused to get rid of. He had an old ratty chair that he insisted on keeping. He would get very upset if I even mentioned throwing some of the things out, so I pretended that I took them home with me and I was keeping them at my house to use or fixing them up. Every once in a while he would ask me about something and I would just tell him, I have it at my place I'm keeping it for you. He would just smile and then eventually forget about it. I didn't tell him that I threw anything out or donated it, I just told him I was holding onto it at my place. He seemed to be happy with that answer and then would forget about it.

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One thing that worked with my parents is telling them a charity is looking for some items they own. I first did this with vases. They had so many of them. Our church was collecting vases for Random Acts of Flowers. I explained the charity to my parents and they were happy to donate the majority of the many vases they had. After that, I made up (yes, I lied) charities requesting donations or things I needed. I still donated these things to local second hand charity shops, regardless of the story I told them. For some reason, donating to these shops wasn't an acceptable charity to my parents. So, telling them things were going to specific charities worked. I hate lying to my parents, but it is already going to be a huge ordeal clearing out their place. I have also started to go through the mountains of paperwork my parents had. They saved every piece of paper that ever came into that house. At first, I recycled old phone books, medicare and social security guides and things I knew they'd never need and already have the updated versions of. I am going through old medical bills and prescription inserts. Shred these things, of course.
Note to all of you. Clear out your things. This will be good for you. It will also leave less for your children or your other relatives when they have to clear out your things.

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When my 92 year old stepmother had to move into a small assisted living apartment, I had to clear out her 2 bedroom apartment . She was able to take some of her furniture but I donated the rest to the Salvation Army. I told her everything was in storage until she was strong enough to move back into independent living (never happening). When she asked for something that we no longer had, I simply told her it was in storage and I'd have to bring it next t time
If she remembered that she had asked for something, I would apologize and tell her that I had forgotten.

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-Donate to Goodwill or Salvation Army.
-Donate local town's senior center (many have resale shops.
-Work with consignment shops.

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My aunt had to go to AL. She was told, correctly, that when she got stronger she could go home. Of course she didn't get stronger. Then she quickly went to NH. She had no children and I drove up to get family photos since they were having to get rid of her stuff and sell her house to pay for her care. It was awful, she had become a horder in her old age. I drove 4 to 5 hours each way every other weekend for weeks while we went through her stuff. One day, after numerous garage sales, her friend who had POA on her health walked in saying how much better Bunny was. I thought, SH&T!, we have disposed of most of her stuff, all of her furs, evening gowns, etc. What Helen meant was she recognized her that visit. Whew!! wipe brow!!

One thing I didn't know and a lady at the bank said, sometimes old people will hide money in old prescription bottles. We never looked. It sort of haunts me to this day because we just threw out a shelf full of old prescription bottles without looking inside.

I am working on getting rid of my stuff now. One granddaughter said she wanted a needlepoint picture my mother had done. It went out to her the next day. Another one wanted to know if I had any extra costume patterns. Did I! All of my patterns except 3 are gone with extra scissors, beads, and some old fabric, I have a younger friend who I found out loves Disney, there went some Snow White and 7 dwarfs collectables. They are thrilled and I have kept my children from having to get rid of them.

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There are many secret places where people hide money. A dear friend could not understand how her mother kept using the cash she was given every few days, or where household items were disappearing. After I gave her the tip off, she discovered carpet had been lifted in obscure places to hide knitting and sewing needles, saucepans were buried in the vegetable patch, and the biggest find of all? Three thousand dollars, neatly folded and sealed in plastic bags....inside the toilet cistern. Lesson is to think outside the box, especially where dementia is a factor.

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When my father died and the house would no longer be used, I invited all the family members to meet back at the house after his funeral and take anything they wanted to use or for memory's sake. I laid claim to their bedroom furniture and have it in my home in a spare bedroom, set up just the way they had kept it. It's my "Niles" room, since the home was in Niles where I grew up.
I also took my mom's miniature hurricane lamp collection. The memories of them are strong and I like having this room nearby and looking like it did all the years I was growing up. Now I have to decide what to do with these things as I get older--how should I go about dealing with these things as we approach the time to get ready to leave.

The rest of the stuff went to good will.

When the two friends I was given power of attorney over got into their memory care apartment, I began going through all their stuff in their condo. All their personal papers came to my house to either be destroyed or to send to distant family members (they had no children or nearby relatives) or for me to use in their care, including their taxes. For their furniture, I contacted a native American friend to ask about getting all their furniture into their hands, since they are the poorest group in my state. I wanted them to have it for free, so Goodwill was out. She brought over some friends and family members and took everything they wanted. Books and clothing that would never be used again went to Goodwill and the dishes, silverware and last piece of furniture went to Bridging. All this sorting and cleaning took me about 2 1/2 years. I gave myself a broad window of time so the stress of doing this wouldn't be too great. When the condo was ready to sell, a realtor friend put in on the market, had 4 showings the first day and the second couple purchased it for the asking price I suggested. All the money went to my friends' savings account to be spent on their care. Not having other family members to deal with made the job much easier for me. No questions, accusations, or feelings to deal with.

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In my area of WI, we have people that specialize in this sort of thing. They will go through most of what she has and will organize a sale of those items.

We had to do that with my MIL's things as she won't be able to live on her own again and most days doesn't recall having an apartment. Although today she found her old keys in her purse and thought we should go to her apartment to get somethings.

I hope you find a good answer!

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Is there anyone in the family starting out, grandchild or great grandchild perhaps who might use things like kitchen and household items? I was just starting living on my own and setting up house when my Great Grandmother passed and I still to this day have a few of the kitchen items I got from her household. I don't use them anymore and they are surely antiques but I still keep them in my kitchen because it keeps those memories of my childhood and her house close.

Maybe take a box with you each time you go to visit her to go through and see if there is anything in particular she wants to make sure goes to specific people and then let extended family members go through stuff and take anything they would really like or could use. This way the things are being appreciated and loved again and if she should really want that red mirror that was in her bottom drawer you can get it back on loan from Sue for her but Sue get's it back when the time comes.

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What great ideas, thank you!

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Depending on how healthy and cognizant she is, you could take a box in every now and then and let her decide what she wants to keep vs donate.( women’s shelters can take kitchen ware etc) Some knic knac things maybe she’d like a specific person to have. Her “ prized “ possessions you could always change out monthly . Sometimes it’s hard to let go.

this was actually the plan with my mother. The reality was unfortunately after my stepfather passed away she wanted to sell the house and my daughters and I took many months with her going thru their 3, 000 sq ft house that didn’t have a closet ( nor garage and basement) NOT filled to the brim. She was mean so it was difficult. My siblings got fed up, got a roll off and literally dumped everything into it while she screamed and panicked. I wasn’t there( I refused to do it) but as the scapegoat of a narcissist and her narcissistic offspring, got blamed for it of course.
I gave up , removed myself from that toxic group so I never did take all the memorabilia and put it in scrapbooks for her. But it would have been a good idea if my family weren’t a bunch of psychos

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Its painful to read what you went through/are going through. I hope you are OK. Dealing with narcissistic people, especially family members (especially one’s own mother) is incredibly challenging. It’s exhausting to rise above and not let them destroy you. Blessings and hugs!

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I spent a long time in my mom's home deciding what to do. Originally, I was going to use her house selling to buy a house near me in another town. But when I found out that it would cost around $6000 to. pack and move her things (nice. things but only from a 1500 square foot house ) I figured that's ridiculous. she had nice things really nice things and it hurt but I realized that they couldn't go forward, so I set up an. estate sale.... that was ridiculous and only realized a few thousand dollars, so the rest was donated to Salvation Army, minus, the really special items that now sit near us in a storage unit for $200 monthly. It is a really hard thing because I know how much all these items meant to my mother and much of it to me, but the reality is, that this is a different time and family does not want all of these items. It meant a lot to my mom and thus to me, and despite the narcissistic mother, she means so much to me, so of course m any of her things do too. But hopefully someone else will enjoy her things. We were born in a different era where things were passed down, but now it has changed and it does sadden me, but it is what it is. I pray that we all remember the good things about our loved ones.....

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Just remember-they are THINGS. The memories and the love reside in your heart and minds always!

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Often the reason for having to move into the NH will dictate what you keep and don't keep - i.e; what kinds of shoes are the safest and easiest to get on; what things bring them pleasure but are not an expensive loss if they go missing. I can't imagine how difficult it would have been for my mother to give up all her knick-knacks but my father never knew they were there in the first place. One thing you could do for your mom - if her memory is still good - is to rotate items between storage in your house and her place. We had photos all over the place and consolidated photo albums - Dad actually enjoyed the process of going through the photos (until he got bored of it). Then he never looked at them again. We did have to throw away clothes along the way, when his body shape changed or they got too messy to clean. Stored his suits until he died; we could have gotten rid of most of them much sooner. I invited siblings and grand kids to come take furniture and household goods he wouldn't need. Donated the rest. Some is still in my basement 8 months later as I am going through things slowly. I'm more likely to let them go today than I was before. Now I want to downsize myself so no one will ever have to do that for me.

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My heart goes out to you. The fact that you are asking shows your empathy. I have also experienced the drastic downsizing. I sometimes think we forget what brings us memories and comfort. Some can look at some clothes and remember a wedding, a Christmas or the sweater they might wear on a walk. They may not share their thoughts, but their expression will tell you a lot. Hanging large photos on a clothes line with the names on the photo allows them to see them from a wheel chair, and allows the staff to visit about the faces in the photo. Bring two mugs so you can share a coffee with your person. Bring their own bedspread..their lamp. There was one room in a NH that actually brought a small cabinet to display her china. I can image there might be some fond memories around those dishes. In time, you will learn what you can let go of that she wont need anymore. We are in a period of purging, but all of us are in different place on our journey, Change can be tough for many people. This is a challenging move in a very fragile time of life. Take care of yourself and enjoy your loved one. 🙏

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Your mom still remembers her things? Wow. That must be hard on you when you can't take her what she is wanting. But you just can't keep it all or know what she will ask for. As for the staff taking things, my mom's situation is different. Her closet keeps getting more clothes. When the ladies die and the families have been there already to take what they want, the staff distributes the clothes to the other ladies. I am often very surprised to see what my mom is wearing! She has never had anything stolen. I noticed one day that she had a pretty necklace attached to her walker. She doesn't wear jewelry. I asked the staff if my mom had taken it from another lady and they said no, the lady gave it to her and had given everyone something really nice. Well, I thought that could get tricky if they start giving their things away. But the lady died the next day. She must have known she was leaving. It was so sad.

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Sad and happy at the same time perhaps. Something about the woman knowing her prize possessions were going to the people she chose and making them happy gives me a warm feeling. Maybe leaving wasn't so sad from her perspective.

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In the matter of a year, I put my mother in a nursing home, and my godparents both passed away and left me their home so I've been down this road. Find a local Goodwill store with a drive-through! Like you said....keep personal mementos, photos, some things of sentimental value and put them in a nice box from the craft store. Put framed photos of loved ones in her room at the NH. Put a nice wreath on her door if the facility allows it, along with a comfy throw for the bed.

Keep some clothes, because stuff at the NH will go missing and you may have to replace items from time to time. Keep some costume jewelry so she can feel pretty and wear a necklace to the dining room, etc. Not to be morbid, but if your Mom's wishes were to have a visitation with an open casket when she passes, keep a nice outfit for her funeral, along with matching shoes and undergarments. But most "dressy" clothes can go, high heels can go, etc. Keep some face creams, etc. that were part of her daily routine. But kitchen items would definitely be appreciated by Goodwill. I went to Goodwill every day for two months when preparing to move from my home to my Godparents home they bequeathed me. It's a wonderful thing. Your extra stuff can make someone else's day! Someone who is in need.

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It is difficult to discuss this topic. Experienced similar situation when my Mom had to move out of her home.
Do you feel comfortable donating items? Giving to help others helped my Mom feel better about moving. Maybe you can shuffle through her belongings and keep what you think she may need. I know just doing that can be emotional for you, too. Or maybe you can find the right moment to discuss with your Mom. Just be open and honest, explain to her you do not have space. Does she have finances to pay for a storage unit, even if it is temporary? Sometimes as a family member, we have to make the difficult decisions. Be patient with your Mom. As you know, just moving out of her home is emotionally taking a toil, giving up the belongings, is too! We become emotionally attached to “things.” They bring back memories. And maybe that is what she is struggling with, memories! Hang in there!

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i have gone through this twice in the last year. My advice is donate, donate. Besides Good Will, there are various other organizations who will put your gently used items to good use. The other advice is pitch it, pitch it. Not everything is reusable.

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My mom went into assisted living where she had a tiny kitchenette, living room, bedroom and walk in closet. Since she made the decision to move there, I let her box up things she wanted to take with her. Since she had a relatively large apt. in the AL, she got to take some of her favorite utensils, knick knacks etc. The rest of her stuff got sold at auction. When she died, I called a guy that hauls stuff away. He took the nicer items to Habitat for Humanity and the rest he took to the dump. I brought home some boxes of things like her personal photographs, business papers etc. and sorted through that stuff plus what I had saved from her house. I was pretty ruthless in deciding what to pitch vs. keep. I'm sure many people would be aghast that I even threw away most of the pictures but I finally decided they were her pictures, not mine, and I didn't even know who most of the people in them were. I threw away her junk jewelry and kept the better pieces. I admit that I sort of regret throwing away some of the jewelry, not because I would ever wear it but that perhaps someone else might like some of it for a child to play with.

Can you have a conversation with your mom and gently tell her she won't be needing some of the stuff and would she then allow you to dispose of it?

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I think, if your mother won't know the difference, I would let her think nothing has changed with her world outside the nursing home. Vagueness usually works. My mother, who has dementia, is in a nursing home and while she's doing well, she will never go home again. After watching over her home and belongings for 19 months I finally sold everything. I have told my mother nothing. Thankfully she is not attached to any object in particular, but her home signified her independence and was a source of pride for her. When she mentions the house and says things like "Next year when I go back home..." I will say "that sounds like a good idea," or something like that. Hopefully, this will continue to work...

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Art, how did you sell them? On a website? Because I tried to sell a couple of things on a website called letgo & they never sold ...so I donated..
Thanks in advance!
CaregiverL

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Why rush things! Keep her belongings as long as you can and do not bring up the the topic of letting them go. Her time is getting short and you have more important things to worry about.

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Daisy,

My kids say that I have a direct line to St. Anthony (patron saint of lost objects). I lost cash out of my pocket in Williamsburg, Virginia and went to the lost and found. Not only did I get the money back but I had a lovely hand written note saying where it was found!

Another time my husband and I rented a boat in Florida. We were on the way to mass and my husband noticed that he didn’t have his wedding band on. I got so upset and told him to stop by the boat rental on the way to church.

I told the worker there that my husband lost his ring. He looked at me like I had two heads. I asked for a scoop net. With the third scoop, up came the ring! The worker went from a smirk on his face to astonishment.

We made it to mass on time too!

I have lost tons of things that I have found.

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I think you may have posted on the wrong thread?

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If it gives your mother comfort I would be taking her anything of hers she wants, provided it is not expensive nor of sentimental value. What harm can it do? If there is room, take in an item of furniture in which to store the stuff, or even just a few suitcases that might store in or above a wardrobe. Perhaps ask the staff if they have a store room in which the cases might be stored and your mother can access. Yes, there will always be carelessness, and I am sad to say dishonesty, among staff, but once one is living among people who are generally forgetful and befuddled, not to mention those in various stages of dementia, it is almost a free-for-all. Admittedly my mother is in a memory care unit where it is most problematic, but the residents go from room to room in confusion, despite their names on doors and familiar items in memory boxes. And my mother does the same! Then there is the other problem of her leaving her belongings around the memory care unit itself! The unit has put up a Christmas tree with decorations. We are currently betting between ourselves how long it will take for the decorations to disappear and who will be the first ''tinsel taker"
.

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Good to know! Everyone blames the staff, when we know our charges brains are broken and they do the oddest things!

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Yes, NHWM, my dad lost a few items of clothing b/c the NH did his laundry, mainly his GLASSES! and chapstick, which was always in his pocket. The employees didn't care to see if anything was in his pocket, and although he always wore his glasses, I had to track them down several times in the laundry. NO EXCUSE! When he passed I found other people's items in his chest of drawers, including a small woman's sweater. All his clothing was labeled, but there's no way anyone could have thought that tiny little sweater could have been his. It depends on whether the employees care about their charges. Few and far between.

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Sorted, gave away, donated and dumped. Anything they need can be purchased, we were not talking about VanGogh's, just a bunch of old stuff.

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It's amazing to me how many things (dresses, afghans, perfume, JEWELRY, compression socks, thigh high hose, coat) have disappeared from the nice AL my friend lives in, even though her daughters and I try to keep track. If mom has to live in a facility, she will show up with very little for the help to steal!

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Oh yes, it happens. Things mysteriously disappear. I know people who say their stuff goes missing all of the time.

People used to be trusting of everyone unless they had a reason not to trust them. Nowadays, people are very scared to trust others.

When I was pregnant I had to be on complete bedrest. The woman I hired as a housekeeper was stealing from me.

I was so disappointed in her. I trusted her. I gave her a chance and she decided to steal from me. I told her and I meant it, “If you had only asked me for these things and told me that you needed to extra help, I would have gladly given them to you but now I can’t trust you so unfortunately, I have to ask you to leave my home and not return.

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I trashed a lot of my mom’s worthless clutter and old magazines...told her I sold them and gave her some money. That made her happy so it worked for me. $50-$100 for peace and clean out? Priceless if you are able to do it...

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