FIRST - I want to thank everyone has responded to my previous posts. I truly appreciate your time, practical advice, and warm encouragement. I'm looking forward to a time when I'm out of the woods and can offer that kind of help to others. In the meantime ... I'm breaking down.
I'm on track with divorce from the man I've spent 10 years with after making the stupid mistake of feeling I "owed" him something. I think 10 years, of which has been essentially indentured servitude due to his declining health, is quite enough. Divorce is final Friday morning. Just have to turn up in court.
I did the paperwork to get him Medicaid, and followed through on getting him into a palliative care program, and then moved to hospice - although there's no indication he's 6 months from death. Hospice told me that some people stay on for years. Anyway, the hospice social worker has been looking for placement in a facility for him since August and I got a VM from her yesterday. I thought the time had come!
But no. I was told there's not one available bed in Maine. They have 7 patients in the hospice facility needing long term placement and they can't move them out. One patient has 44 applications in; my husband has 22 applications out. Inpatients get first dibs for placement, and those in community are last. Which is where my husband currently sits. In addition, some nursing homes are refusing new admissions due to Covid. Bottom line, I'm screwed.
I had a scarifying meltdown this past Sunday. Woke up at 5 AM in the autumn dark, totally panic stricken. Found myself thrashing and crying out, "Let me go, let me go, let me go!" Got up, went downstairs out of his earshot and cried and screamed, then got in my car in my driveway, slamming the steering wheel and screaming. Finally broke down in tears (it's hard for me to cry) and once I got hold of myself, went to get coffee.
In the drivethru, I managed to act "normally" and went I got to the window I was told the driver ahead of me had paid for my coffee. That little act of kindness in the midst of this black hole of despair made me burst into tears again. Managed to make it through the weekend and started feeling a little lighter. Like that kindness was a sign that good things were coming.
And then this call from the social worker. I had another meltdown this morning, up early in the dark, pacing and crying. I want him OUT so that I can clear this house and GO. I don't want to have to report him to APS - I want this clean and as easy on him as possible. For my own peace of mind.
In other news, my friend, who had asked me to share a house with her in Tennessee, took a few days' trip up there from her home in Georgia and BAM, found a house. Which seemed great when it looked like I could get out of here in a timely manner. But now she seems to be backpedaling a little. Keeps telling me how small the house is, and how she and her animals would "drive me crazy" and just generally being lukewarm. And really, it likely would be too small, because I also have my buns. There was another house, much bigger, but she passed on that because it was in a small town and she wants to live rural. The idea was we'd rent for a year while looking for someplace to buy. I'm not sure why she couldn't manage living in town for a year to better accommodate a roommate, but she did the legwork and she has the right to choose what works for her.
I'm just feeling lonely, isolated, scared, depressed, anxious - like I'm down a well and I can see people walking around up there, but I can't climb out. I'm going to bite the bullet and call his family to let them know what's happening, and then try to figure out how I'm going to get out of here. And where the hell I'm going to go once I do.
Now I know what people mean when they talk about a nervous breakdown! Anybody else down the well with me? Anybody got a match?!
I am down the well with you, I am fighting my own demons. Everything you describe about how you are feeling is how it is for me too. I am trying to keep it together but I don't sleep much anymore. My worry and rage consume me most of the time.
I am so happy to hear that your divorce is finalized! Very big step over and done with. Onto the next step now. You’ve got this!
The watch word for your condition is keep a low profile until this passes.
Please reconsider driving anywhere on the days you may be having a meltdown. Get a temporary driver, it is much safer. You need to also be with people at this time so you won't isolate. The professional distance of a driver allows you to be with people, but also maintain your behavior at an acceptable public appearance level vs. crying in public or having a meltdown.
You can do this!
You really are in control of your own behavior at all times. Believe it.
Otherwise, present yourself at the nearest emergency room.
Each night, before you go to sleep, say these words;
"Everything thing I've done today is ENOUGH, and I will let everything I do tomorrow, BE ENOUGH."
I hope this help dear one.
As far as your friend and her house goes, it's nothing you need to worry about right now. Let it go until you approach that bridge to cross.
xoxo
You must be commended for being a strong person and filing for divorce in order to find happiness for YOU. This is now about YOUR life as sometimes in this life we need to be a little selfish in order to survive in this world or people will walk all over you and don’t give a damn about you.
My advice to you is to try to avoid living with a roommate or family as you will eventually run into conflict with the person that you’re living with. Since it seems that you do not have a job currently and no means of support, you should go to your social service office and apply for benefits. Also, with the winter almost upon us, you can apply through your state for help with your gas and electric bills. You should also go on your state’s website and search for affordable housing. There’s lots and lots of help out there for you through your state and social service.
It’s going to be a bit difficult at first, but you are a strong and good person and you will survive their ordeal.
After the divorce is over and you find a place to live, I know that you will find peace and happiness in your new environment.
Wishing you the best.
You want him placed in an appropriate care facility to meet his needs, but you want him to be pleased with it and willing to go. You want everything to go smoothly because you don't want to have any unpleasant feelings. Life doesn't work like that.
Your divorce will be final this week so you're not responsible for your husband's care once he becomes your ex-husband. He will get placed whether you worry about it or not. He will have to because he cannot care for himself.
As for your friend in Tennessee. If I had to guess at why she's back-pedaling about the two of you living together, is either she met someone or saw that the property is within her means to pay for alone.
You can't depend on something like that. Have more than one iron in the fire, my friend. When I left myself vulnerable and moved back with my mother those were the worst years of my life.
Look into some housing options locally for now. One thing at a time. Even if you move somewhere on a month-to-month lease. That way you aren't making any long term commitments. Then you can work from there and plan for where you will live long-term.
You don't even need to make things harder on yourself by calling your soon-to-be ex-husband's family. Send them a chain email explaining what's going on and don't take any questions.
Good luck to you and remember, ONE THING AT A TIME! You'll be okay.
https://newventuresmaine.org/about-us/
Great. He's all hers. As soon as divorce is done and court is over notify her and notify her when you are leaving.
I agree that a shelter is better than this.
You are risking your mental health staying with him and trying to handle moveouts and etc. There's only one thing you need now to move out. That's yourself. As to landlady, it is a matter of "I am sorry; I have to leave". We are landlords. Stuff happens. Handling our rental is a part of its benefit to us, and things are to be expected.
You need to stop thinking all about others and think about your own escape I think.
Like midkid, I had a very brief break during my first marriage when my husband threatened to kill our cats if I took the kids and left. I mean kicking and screaming on the floor breakdown with myself OUT OF MY BODY watching myself on the floor and thinking "Good. Now you aren't responsible for ANYTHING because you are completely gone". It is terrifying. It is awful. You need not to go there; please protect yourself and know you aren't alone.
Moving from where you are seems like a great idea. Starting over in a new town and making new friends might seem daunting, but it really doesn't have to be. Walk in a church, and you'll be invited to all sorts of things. Volunteer at a thrift shop, and they'll be glad to have you. Do something at the small-town recreation department, and you meet others who are looking for social contacts like you are.
I'm so excited for you. Many people never get a chance at a new start. You have, and your life is going to be much better. Good luck!
I ended up in the ER with suicidal ideations after suffering for 6 weeks. It was as simple as a psych doc giving me 2 Xanax and after they'd 'kicked in'---I felt normal! Then the doc explained what was going on in my body and mind and suddenly a light came on!
About 6-8 weeks later when the Antidepressants kicked in--I just was never left alone (my poor kids--babysitting their crazy mother!) and taking benzos for the really bad days, I finally tunred a corner and felt like I was going to be OK.
My breakdown was situational in causation--as is yours. You've given and done more than you're capable of--the breakdown is a way your body reacts--forcing you into 'fight or flight'.
You're fleeing! Thank goodness!
And yes, I agree with previus posts that once your divorce is final (2 days!!) you should turn 100% of your soon to be ex's problems over to HIS family. Whether that's a couple of phone calls or texts or an "ER Dump"-whatever gets attention paid to him and gets you out of there--just go. As long as you are remotely available, they'll be calling and pulling you back in.
Your friend is pulling back--as hard as that is, she is showing her hesitations and it's better that you know that NOW as opposed to when you moved in and it didn't work.
Can you get some tranqs from your doc for the really bad days? I see people suffer so much when a judicious dose of a calming med would make all the difference. Likely this will be temporary.
I can only wish you luck and a calm and quick divorce-paper signing. Good Luck and stay strong.
And it's OK to cry. Even hysterically, sometimes. It's very cleansing, I find, tho I rarely cry now. I sleep. We all have our coping devices!
((Hugs))
I recommend meditation, and whatever kind works for you. I do a 15 minute version.
I also highly recommend ‘ejecting’ the heavy harsh feelings. I’ve learned that when I pick my own times and places for that, I won’t lose it by surprise later. Vigorous exercise, punching a punching bag or pillow, screaming underwater - tub is great for this - hollering in the car, for me I really like listening to ‘hard’ music, it helps me a lot. Anything that suits you…just make a little time and choose your place. For me this way I’m not eating my feelings, or trying to turn them into something I can’t, but I’m getting them out as-is.
Big hug and best to you!
You are handling a whole lot, but the truth is that reading this I can see you ARE making progress. You have chosen to divorce. You have CHOSEN to stay to clear the house, because the truth is that you are now free, with -- I assume-- some division of assets. You can leave. You say you don't "want to" report him to APS but that, along with reporting your leave-taking to his social worker may be what you have to do. You are DIVORCED!
I think any new path is terrifying.
You had plans to move in with someone who clearly now is having second thoughts.
You are seeing you are leaving the pot but perhaps surrounded by frying pans.
Why would you not be anxious and overwhelmed?
Just keep on keeping on ONE DAY at a time. First step finding a place to move. Second step reporting you are no longer in the home to care for your now NOT-spouse.
One day at a time with good long deep breathes, realizing that this is a new journey and it will be terrifying, and also full of adventure. I hope you have the support of friends. You may be couch surfing for a bit!
Several good reasons have been posted there since you last replied about why he might need go to the ER now. Maybe help is closer than you think, but sometimes other people have to see it for us.
You’re making progress though. The decision to divorce is wise. You have been through enough turmoil.
One step at the time will see you through this process.
Wishing you peace as you continue to work towards a better future.
For the divorce, if you have a lawyer, could it be part of the divorce decree that you are out with a deadline, free and clear, so you and the buns can drive away? I’m not up on your situation, but it seems like you have a junction with legal oversight and now is the time to see if you can use that backing.
As long as you are available you are the solution. The vast majority of people, even the people who should be helping, won’t think about you or him the second you are out of sight.
oh wait, turns out I do have two pieces of advice (that I also need to take):
1. Stop fighting for him. FIGHT FOR YOU. Let the system, cr*ppy as it is, do its job. Yes, he’s a human and suffering. So are you. One you can’t fix, one you can.
2. Next time after you cry in your car, watch at least 20 minutes of YouTube or TikTok comedy. Some is terrible, but at least you’ll see and hear happy people. Happiness IS out there. We have to retrain our brains.
Good courage to you.
PS: maybe a bunny rescue where you are or are going would formally foster your bunnies for awhile so you don’t lose them, but can get out of your situation.
Also, try not to have any future plans that rely on other people. As you are finding out, people are flakey and unreliable. Find a place for yourself, by yourself, for now. The last thing you need is housemate drama and unhappy surprises.
Even if it means temporarily giving up pets in order to find an affordable place, sooner. If you stick your hand in a bottle to grab a banana and try to pull it out, you won't be able to... you'll need to drop the banana or you'll be stuck with a bottle on your arm. Simplifying your life (and reducing expenses) will help you at this point. One of my sons raises rabbits, so I get it, but also am privy to the costs. Consider it just until you get your sanity back. If you don't change your strategies you will be doomed to land in the same spot again in the future. I don't say any of this flippantly -- I know it will feel really hard. But then things will get better, if you do the things that will help you get to that place. Peace!