What does your PWD do all day?

Well, do what hubby does. Walk away.
Surely there is a group somewhere you can find, whether knitting, sewing, quilting, bible study, book club. Just about anything. If not, volunteer (just not at a Nursing Home where you will hear lots more of the same!!!)

I am pulling your leg a bit, but you will have to take care of yourself here; clearly no one else will. Let them all know what times, hours, afternoons, days you will be gone, and go. To movies alone, out to eat alone, to the zoo, beach, woods, photography class, college class, even a nice quiet library where I love to catch up on newspapers. Have a "ROOM OF ONE'S OWN" where no one can disturb you. Sew kimonos there. Do crafts. Write the next great memoir". Sound proof it and lock the door.

As to the complaining? What else is there for them? There's no upside and they are losing things one at a time. My brother said of his assisted living that it was like a commune. Each self -absorbed and wanting to argue how things should be, each complaining about their own aches and pains or complaining about food or that Irma wants the shades up and Maria wants them down. TV too loud of not loud enough. And on they go.

Whatever brings you joy--cooking class--ANYTHING. Find it. And see to it that you have at least 24 hours of it a week, no matter at what hour.
Zumba. How about Zumba?
Sit in the park and people watch. Foster animals.

Good luck, Thinking, and tell us what you find out there in the world. My city is loaded with museums. Makes me LONG for the dark woods. I am wishing you the best. Even a 30 minute walk can turn your head round. Honestly. I promise you.

You could do what I've been doing for a long time. Tell her that you're done listening to her complain and talk crap about others, and if she can't stop then she can go sit in her room. Then ignore her.
Why is assisted living or memory care not an option? It's always an option.
Why should you have to deal with her? She's only your MIL. Tell your husband that there needs to be some other arrangements made for her. Like she goes to adult day care a few days a week. Ot he can sit and listen to her, and you go outside. Or go hang out with friends, or whatever.

"I'm just the DIL and can't convince anyone of anything."

We'll come back to that.

What can you do? You can only change your own behavior. I can't tell with 100% certainty. Is she living with you in your home or are you and your DH living with her in her home? Either way - there ARE things YOU can do to impact this situation. But you have to be willing to commit to it. For the long haul. And decide to what extent you are really ready to do this.

It seems to me that your DH - HER SON - is escaping while you are the one that hearing all of her stories. Is this true of other caregiving tasks? Are you the one that is her primary caregiver? Is this just about entertaining her? Or are you the one that is always with her so you are the one that hears everything because you are there- while he finds other tasks to occupy himself so as not to have to deal with the tasks that have to do with his mother?

The answers to those questions will impact how you approach your next steps. But high level - YOU can change your approach. YOU don't have to be the one that is with her. YOU don't have to be the one that is responsible for entertaining her. She is NOT your mother. She has a son that is perfectly capable of seeing to his mother's needs and when he starts to leave the room - you stop him and say "I am going to do X, Y and Z. You stay with your mom for a while." or "Your mom needs X, Y, and Z and I'm busy." It does not have to be your responsibility to take care of her. Wherever you are living - her home or yours - HE had a hand in making the choice to be there and he owns responsibility for ensuring that his mother's needs are met.

Now as far as "just the DIL." I don't know...maybe I'm a bulldozer. Or maybe menopause just hit me a certain way. Or maybe our personalities are just different. But when something impacts MY life, I believe I have a say in it. I may not have the full decisioning powers. But I also don't have to sit back and keep my mouth shut and not get a vote either. No, she isn't your mother. But it sounds to me like you have somehow become at the very least her partial caregiver. And that makes you invested. And while you may not be able to "convince" anyone of anything (and who exactly is "anyone"? Your DH? His mother? His siblings?) that does not mean that you have no power. You have yourself. You have the things that you contribute to her care.

People often don't realize that when they are doing something for someone else - with nothing in return - that it holds value. It holds power. When you do things out of the goodness of your heart, people will take advantage of that all day long. They will take for granted that you will ALWAYS do it. And that you will never speak up and say that you can no longer do it. And they will progressively expect more and more from you. But you do have a voice here. YOU can stop doing what YOU are doing. If you are her caregiver, if your DH doesn't provide her care...if you stop providing the solution....what happens?

We say here often - if you stop being the solution they will have to find another one.


Good luck from one "just a DIL" to another!

Your profile says she suffers from a Dementia. If so, not much they can do. My Mom was an avid reader. Used to say if she ever came to live with me, she would be happy with a room ogf her own and a pile of books. With Dementia she lost the ability to read a book. Never a game player, not a crafter or liked puzzles. And once Dementia sets in, can't be taught.

See about Adult Daycare. I had my Mom in one 3 x a week. Monday, Wed and Friday. Then I placed her in an AL where she could wander all over inside the facility and have some socialization.

If she is living in your home, then you absolutely have a say in how she is to behave in your home. You're not "just the DIL". Can always suggest to MIL that since she's complaining so much, she might be happier somewhere else besides your home.

It seems common that when a mother or MIL moves in, she immediately expects to be in control. Doesn't matter if her kids are adults. In her mind, she's the mother and you are the children. At the very least, she sets the tone. As someone one here says: A house cannot have two queens.

Barring that, do as your husband does and walk away.

When my mom drives me crazy I think about how this can not last forever and that someday I will thank myself for showing compassion to an old woman. I also think it is likely that someday I will drive my daughter crazy and I pray she will be compassionate with me. As for the moment…I change the subject gently to “wow did you see that beautiful red bird? Or how about a little walk outside?….often that does the trick. Good luck. This is a tough job with a definite ending.

In the early stages, my mom was energetic as always & she had no hobbies (except books & volunteering). She was unable to entertain herself. With dementia she couldn’t read her books anymore. So I took her in the car a lot for ice cream, out to eat (you don’t have to spend much, just a cone or go during Applebees 1/2 price apps, etc). She went on every errand, we went dog walking (eventually in a wheelchair), to picnics (also cheap w/food from home) & I just looked for 1-2 activities a day. It kept her having fun & free from restlessness. I had kids at the time & we visited every playground we came across, we fed ducks regularly & just looked for inexpensive, fun for all activities.

Try this one (with a friendly smile) on your LO:

"Sorry. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints."

Take turns “sitting outside”.

This negative thought behavior is only a symptom of a chemical change in the brain. I am not a scientist, but I have researched this enough to understand it. Taqi kynan, is a chemical released in the brain when there is minimal stimulation, same atmosphere, and little mobility, among other factors. This isolation and atrophy allow negative thoughts and behaviors to become the new norm. Research has shown it to be present in solidarity confinement, and during original covid-19 isolation duration for example.
There are neurological medications to treat this, I have not considered for my mother at this time. However changes in tastes, smells, location, music and positive stimulation are proving extremely helpful in my situation.
If any of this is possible, I recommend it. If only calming music is available it might improve. Read to them. Change the subject. Tap into previous interests and be creative.
What do you have to lose other than your own sanity.