I am the person in my family who has always been the responsible one, the one who takes care of everyone else. My mother, widowed twice, has mid-stage dementia, but is otherwise pretty healthy. She lives in Assisted Living but will be out of money in a couple of years.
My husband has cognitive issues which are getting much worse very quickly, and also has heart disease and now the doctor suspects he has prostate cancer and possibly kidney disease. I take care of all of his medical needs (making appointments, accompanying him to doctors, handle his medications, etc.) I also take care of all the finances and everything to do with household maintenance.
I now have a serious heart condition that is causing very alarming symptoms that could lead to an early death. The idea that my thirty-something year old sons might have to care for their father, or me (if I live but become incapacitated) and their father, makes me sick. I would never willingly allow it. But what are my alternatives?
I have a sister who can take over care of my mother, and is named as alternate POA. My sons are named as alternate POAs for my husband and myself, but having spent the last 10 plus years as a caregiver for multiple family members, I wouldn’t wish the role on my worst enemy, let alone my sons who are young and have yet to live their lives.
Has anyone else had to think about this, and are there any good solutions?
My husband and I have. They are also POAs for us, but have been told that they will NOT be expected to do hands on care, and are requested NOT to do so.
We have long term care policies and savings that will be used to place us, when/if necessary, into a very good residential facility.
Do you recognize that your anxiety and concern are actually impacting negatively on your own welfare? If so, does it make sense to continue being part of this vicious cycle?
When your mother runs out of money someone (not necessarily YOU) will need to go on Medicaid care, so that’s taken care of.
You need a management plan for DH’s care. Do you have a family lawyer who can refer you to a trustworthy financial manager who can help you organize your funds and future needs, so that you can lessen your own stress level?
Your situation isn’t hopeless, and really isn’t unusual, but emotionally it can be very tough to actually do the research and start the process. Take ONE STEP- discuss this with a trusted person outside of your family- minister or other religious advisor? Local Senior Citizen’s governmental advisory board?
You found this website and hopefully it will be helpful. Now seek out other potential sources of help. Your searches will empower you, and you will find that you are not alone in your search.
You CAN do this!
you wrote:
"Have you made it CRYSTAL CLEAR to your children that you do not want OR EXPECT them to take care of you or their father?"
i suppose if this were true for every one of us here, this website would vanish! poof!
sending lots of courage to all of us -- caring for our LOs AND ourselves, in all its different forms.
getting older/sick is not easy :(.
but somehow, that's how our bodies were designed.
let's appreciate all the things that are going right :).
courage and sending luck to all of us :).
A POA does not provide care, rather they make sure needed level of care is provided another way. In home? In a facility?
So I guess I should start looking into facilities and write down my thoughts for future care.
We will need to sell the house to afford care in a facility. I have hinted to my husband we should do that sooner than later, but he doesn’t get the potential urgency of that.