I began full time care of my mother in July and have found that she is much worse than I originally thought. In May 2019 I had the first live in caregiver. The honeymoon period lasted one week and then my mother hated her and didn't want her in her house. That one was replaced with another in August 2019. That honeymoon period lasted 4 days. That caregiver was with us until July of this year when my mother had a heart attack. She also hated this caregiver, ignored her, wouldn't eat anything she made. She lost weight, became very weak, numerous falls and had a heart attack. I kept telling my mother that she had to give up the idea that she didn't need a live in. She couldn't be left alone. I lived 2 hours away and she refused to leave her home.
So I quit my job, left my home, husband, daughters, dogs to live with her full time and take care of her. She's put on 20 pounds since July. She is physically a very healthy 90 year old now. I didn't realize it would be this hard. Her church friends and neighbors have been have apparently scattered in the wind and I have no one to help me if I need to go to the store or to the doctor for myself. My husband comes to see me on the weekends and I can tell she doesn't like having him around. I haven't seen my daughters except for a handful of very limited times since July. I'm feeling so isolated and now RESENTFUL. I have no social life at all; haven't seen my friends in months. I feel like I'm just her slave. Last night during a sundowning episode she was muttering to herself out loud. I heard her talking about me calling me a bitch, saying I'm destroying her house, that I have a lot of nerve, that I don't care about her, etc. I did not say anything to her about it but it really cut me deep. I've been cleaning up after her, emptying her commode, cleaning feces and blood daily off the floor, wall, fixtures, etc. Cleaning her house. She's been hoarding apparently for years and there's 3-5 of duplicate things. I'm slowly going thru the house, trying to make room for when my husband moves in in January. It's a very small house and very limited storage space. Been washing her clothes and bed linens from feces, blood from when her thin skin starts bleeding. I've bought her things to wear to keep her skin safe but she refuses to wear them. I've taken her to the doctors for all her complaints. I've made dates for her to see her friends, picked them up, taken them to dinner. I've given up my life for her and it seems she is just so ungrateful and self absorbed. I rarely get a thank you and mostly she doesn't speak unless I speak to her. I feel she just expects that my life is to serve her every want and need.
I can't take it anymore. I'm not qualified for this. I have an evaluation of her scheduled for this Monday for an AL/Memory Care facility. They tell me there's a waiting list but may have a space for her in January.
She will not want to leave her house. What do I do when she says she won't go? I have general POA and control of all her finances. How do I approach this subject with her? Do I even try to talk to her about moving or do I just make the arrangements and move her under a pretense?
I anticipate it being a huge fight and her digging in her heels and refusing to go. My husband thinks she'll try calling her lawyer or my sister who's been estranged from all of us for over 5 years.
I can't do this anymore
You'll need to contact an elder care attorney and file for guardianship of your mom. She's not competent to make these decisions for herself, but you don't have the correct paperwork to take over for her, except for finances.
Is there a memory care closer to your home? Where Mom lives isn't going to matter, and you need her placed ASAP.
No one should give up their life or home indefinitely to care for a loved one. You need to get your life back, because this will make you sick. Call an elder care attorney today.
I don't have a POA over medical decisions but I do have a living will. Not the same but that's all I have. I'm starting to research eldercare lawyers.
Facilities are well-versed in managing people who don't want or feel they don't need to be there. Talk to them and her doctor about making the move with the minimum of angst.
You'll definitely need to get guardianship. Usually it's a lengthy process; I don't know if there's a basis for getting interim or emergency guardianship but that's an answer an elder law attorney could help with.
Best wishes to you and your family as Mom goes to a new home and you return to yours.
I DO have POA and am handling her finances, although she doesn't know it. I have a Health Care Proxy, but it's only in effect if she cannot make her wishes known.
I live 90 minutes away. I go for an overnight every ten days or so, and that's about all I can take. Her negativity and sullen attitude that could be helped with medication take my sanity. Good luck to you!