Lately I have seen more and more post about people trying their hardest to take care of a parent or parents even when they are not really able. My question is this- I wonder why most of society expects children to take care of parents at whatever the cost? In my situation, my father had gotten unable to walk, tend to personal needs, unable to get in and out of bed and he has health issues that need monitoring. But, there are many people who believe I should not be working, not have a life, leave my home, give up my pets and etc. To many people, it does not matter if the child or children are physically or mentally unable, just take care of your parent. I would just like to see everyone else's thoughts.
Very true because I know I have ( and still do) struggle.
Skip summers at the beach. Skip luxury cars. Create a fund for their care when they need it. Their sacrificing would prevent their children from having to sacrifice for the parents’ care. There is something seriously wrong with that idea in my observation.
We replaced one set of problems with new ones but this is what is best for the whole family not just two family members.
No one told me I didn't have to. When I complained to a friend, she said, well your just going to have to suck it up!! Another friend I was venting to told me I should take Mom out for lunch more often.
I'm rural, farm country, may make a difference. I don't know.
Please do not give up your job or life for your parents. You can plug them into resources, but that is the best you can do. As they get older, they will need a higher level of care.
Aging Care is loaded with a ton of resources for starters. Get in contact with the Department of Aging in your city or state.
I was the family dumping ground for my mom and younger sister. I also worked as a CNA and Home Health Aide on and off since 1986.
He is in a care home now. He went recently but I think he still believes it is temporary. You are right, I still have to oversee. I'm handling bills and etc. As you stated, my pets, job and private life are my family. It's ME.
I said 'YOU are family. Yes?'.
Blank look. "But I'm a not.. I mean, I'm a man."
🤬
It is definitely mind blowing! I was one of those grown adults who was afraid to say "no" but I have learned to do so. I was conditioned to believe that saying no was wrong.
What will I do if I get old & needy? The 'children' (or other relative) will have to ....
I for one am SICK of it.
But he/she is your Sister/Mother/Father!!! You have to XYZ..
Yes. I know who they are. And I DO care. But I am but ONE person.
I am only human. I also have needs.
1) never did any caregiving or if they had , it was for a pleasant person,
Or
2) they are also entitled elderly people.
Either way they are clueless .
My SIL gave me grief for placing my difficult mother with dementia . I was also working . Less than a year later SIL placed her own cooperative , docile mother who had Alzheimer’s . SIL was retired and didn’t want to be tied down . 🤔🤔🤔
Do any of these people who expect a person to give up their jobs to become care slaves ever think about what becomes of them when "massa" dies or gets put in a care facility?
All the ones who guilt-trip and run their super preachy, moral mouths about it NEVER help these people out. Do they come up with money to pay their bills, keep them housed, and provide for them?
Nope.
It's very difficult and often impossible get yourself employed the day after the funeral when you haven't worked for years and years. Even minimum wage jobs aren't going to hire some person who hasn't worked in years.
I get women applying at my agency all the time who haven't worked in years. I don't just dismiss them outright. We talk and I ask questions. Most of them were some kind of family caregiver. The ones who are married usually do pretty well as homemaker/companions because they don't actually have to make a living because their husbands support the household.
I always feel sorry for the ones who are desperate though. I'm honest with them. I let them know plainly that they aren't going to get enough work from me to provide for themselves. It's sad because many of them were long-term family caregivers who became financially dependent on the family member(s) they were caregivers to. Then they pass away and the rest of the family has their hand out waiting for their cut of the inheritance.
They did not realize we wanted the lives they had. They did not have elders to care for, they all had died by the time my parents were my age. They were unencumbered and traveled. They spent a lot of time with their grandkids. They were able to do what they wanted when they wanted without feeling guilty.
Taking care of two nonagenarians was not the plan.
The Old-Age Insurance Policy.
The senior parents think that if they refuse to do any estate planning to protect their assets that this will guarantee that their children will keep them out of a "home".
It doesn't though. They usually end up getting placed anyway. The only thing that happens is they don't leave behind any inheritance or legacy to their families. These families watch a lifetime of work and assets go up in smoke in a very short amount of time to a care facility.
The first of which is that their parents "took care" of them when they were children, so they feel as if they have a responsibility to care for their parents. (which is not even remotely the same thing).
The second is an expectation that many parents place on their children. Between myself and DH, we have had 4 parents and 3 grandparents reach the age of 70+. My mom and grandmother (98) are still with us. My FIL passed in December 2023. Our loved ones were a "mixed bag". Most either took care of themselves or had a spouse who helped take care of them until they passed. My MIL was planning for a move to ALF when she passed away. (My FIL was stonewalling her and refusing to go).
Out of the rest - my mother is staunch supporter of planning for her future. Now we absolutely plan to take care of her at home if at all possible- but she insists that will only be as long as she is the one taking care of herself.
My grandmother - she a different animal altogether. My mom has been taking care of her for the last 4 years - and my mom feels a level of obligation as an only child to ensure that she is taken care of. And my grandmother is certainly from the generation that believes that residential care is a death sentence (which I guess technically it is - but not in the way she thinks. )
My FIL - phew - my FIL. Well the literal narcissism didn't help. But he 100% believed that it was the duty of his children to take care of him. Period. End of discussion. He had NO other plan. When MIL wanted to plan for their future, he did everything he could to get in the way and make sure they didn't move.
Once MIL passed away - he ramped it up big time. His children OWED him for all he had done for them. (He barely participated in raising them, literally was a second paycheck for his own expenses - MIL could have done it all on her own for all he did) But oh the guilt trip this man - who was not much more than an abusive father - put on his DH and his sister. And for a long time, probably longer than it should have ever been, it worked.
He was able to stay in his home much longer than strictly necessary before we had to put our collective foot down and tell him no more.
So guilt is a powerful motivator as well.
I totally agree. It is a societal norm and it does not matter to some if the child who is the caregiver is able or not, as long as they do it. My dad stayed in his home as long as he could and then I had to really work hard to stand my ground and find the best place for him. He is doing well there and I'm almost certain that if he were at home, he would decline very fast. It is amazing to see how many people would rather be the hero and say they took care of their parents while the parent is on a downward spiral physically and mentally. One of the first things I remember when I joined this forum was someone saying, placing your parent in care facility IS caring for your parent. Doing so, does not mean you do not care. It means that you care enough to see that their needs are met when you are unable to do so.
My in-laws are Jewish. My MIL put her mother into assisted living and then to memory care. She wasn't going to give up her life to become a 24/7 caregiver to her mother with dementia. So she placed her. It was a Jewish establishment and the best facility I've ever been in. Beautiful and right by the sea.
If my husband and I need to get placed at some point, this is where we're going.
My friend's daughter is currently a care slave to her fiance's mother because he would never put her in a "home". If he didn't have a slave he would.
People make a choice. Either they are willing to become martyrs to the guilt-trips and societal pressure, or they stand up for themselves and live their own lives.
Also, I love how it's such an "honor" to caregive when there's an ocean separating you from the person you're caregiving for.
I'm gonna get very plain here. I cleaned can, changed diapers, and emptied commodes/bed pans for 25 years. I never felt honored. I felt sick a few times and had to excuse myself to go and vomit privately, but it was never an honor.
The other group who holds the beliefs you've said are people who are currently care slaves to needy, elderly parents or relatives or have been. The mentality being if they had to do it and suffer everyone should have to. Really it is a form of abuse and we all know that abusive behaviors often continue generation after generation until someone breaks the cycle in a family.
Here are my honest thoughts on it. If people love, respect, and value their children (and many do not) they would NEVER want their adult children to give up the lives they've worked for or the potential lives they could make for themselves to take up the miserable drudgery and become a care slave to their parents.
My husband and I love our son. That is why we are people who make their own old age care plans and arrangements. We want him to live his fullest and best life. We don't want him to out of some well-intended but misguided sense of duty to us feel that he must spend his life caregiving for us. We will not allow him to take on our care. Make the plans when you're able then the kids can put them into action when the time comes.
If your mother is bedridden with dementia, why is she not in a nursing home? Put her in one.
Do you have her POA? If not then get the person who does to sign off on it and find a long term care facility.
We only get one life. All this gult-tripping and enmeshment bullsh*t has to be put away for your sake as well as your mother's.
You are burned out, tired, miserable, and resentful and rightly so.
Know what the combination of these things creates?
The perfect conditions for elder abuse.
Put your mother into residential care and take your life back before you get pushed over the edge and do something you'll regret.
I've heard AARP does a horrible job with this, but honestly mine go in the garbage, when they come in .
I read a horrible disgusting reply from dear Abby a few months ago. Someone at the end of there rope, and she pretty much said, in so many words, just suck it up.
There just needs more education. Aging people are scared and they are all looking to hard at there children to do everything. If they where educated better , maybe it wouldnt be so scary. ( On the other hand maybe it will make them more scared)
Even more TV shows, or movies, to show how hard it is.
I don't think neither of my parents expected to live as long as they did. Dad was 79 and felt he was on borrowed time. Mom was 89. Her siblings gone at 53, 60 and 79.
This Country needs to be in the here and now. The future does not look good for SS. That means our children will have to work and have 401s and savings for their future. They cannot afford to care for us. Some of our members were born to people who waited till their 30s, even 40s to have children. There is no way that their futures should be ruined to take care of parents. Grandchildren should not be taking care of grandparents. We are the Caregiver, we have the choice to say NO. There is no disrepect is saying NO I am not going to compromise my family or my future to care for a parent who thinks I owe them or any other family member. There has to be respect on both sides. Boundaries put in place.
My grandmother is 98. She and my grandfather paid ungodly sums of money every year for long term care insurance. My grandfather passed a number of years ago - and never had any need for it. My grandmother won't even let US help. Only my mother. Only EVER my mother. We almost bodily had to carry her to our house during COVID lockdown so that they could stay here and not have to go out for any reason (only I was leaving to pick up groceries)
She most definitely has dementia - though undiagnosed. In her mind - and quite frankly out loud as well - she is taking care of my mother. We share a home with my mother and have for a while since my dad passed away. We sold our home and moved here so that we could pay the bills and she could travel. That ended quickly. Mom ended up moving to stay t my grandmother's home because she needed more and more help. My grandmother believes she is saving mom from *having* to be here (something mom actually WANTS!) My grandmother has mom split bills with her and everything like she's renting her a room or something. My grandmother has decided that she rescued mom, rather than needing to have someone take care of her.
She has refused an outside caregiver, she has refused Palliative Care (which her doctor recommended but she said "I'm not there yet, if I am in 6 months I'll think about it" Honestly - we are all just holding our breath to see if she makes it 6 months.)
LTC Insurance was my grandfather's idea. I think if he had outlived my grandmother, he would have used it.
Because it has never happened to them. Because, somehow, in their twisted minds, it will never happen to them. Until it does. But, still lacking empathy, some think their situation is unique, different from everyone else’s.
I think a lot of social services are dismissed by the same mindset. Just deal with your problems internally. Keep it within the family. Keep up appearances.
What, me cynical?
My mother demanded me and only me, and was surprisingly strong and mobile. In her 90s she’d try break down our locked doors, making demands. Threaten to file fake police reports to ruin us if she didn’t get her way. But she showtimed well enough to talk her way out of a suicide psych hold 12 hours into the 72 hold. I felt unsupported with few options.
And, until I had kids of my own, I really didn’t understand how much I’d been groomed and manipulated. I had a friend in high school whose mother stated that she had chosen him to be her future caregiver. (she had 3 sons) She never hid her expectations. My mother was much more subtle and undermining. When I left my hometown as a young adult, her flying monkeys phoned to tell me what an ungrateful brat I’d become. Of my entire generation plus the generation after, only four of us have left the area: one of my cousins, me, and my two daughters whose university city is a one hour drive.
Sadly, I learned my mother wouldn’t do a thing to help me in a crisis, unless it included public accolades.
They are trying to in there way , tell you how much they miss there parent, and how painful it is.
Which I get that, but I'm also not going to let caregiving ruin my husbands retirement either
People will miss deceased people whether they take care of them or not .
It’s just a guilt trip .
I counter with , it would then make more sense to enjoy the time they have left by having pleasant visits , rather than tug of war caregiving where a parent is manipulating and hateful and the caregiver is burned out .
I realize though that it doesn’t guarantee pleasant visits either . Some elderly just can’t manage being pleasant at all , whether a child is their caregiver or not .
Someone to clean, someone to prepare meals, someone to shop someone for doctor appointment's someone for phone calls, someone to pay bills. If you cannot count on the family and if he has funds get some help in the house.
Yes! A village is definitely needed! My dad has been in a facility for almost two months now but before he went, I did not have a village. We only had one lady who helped out in the mornings and when was able, she came by in the afternoons. For years it has been all on me.
When family members could but won't help, even a little, we feel angry and resentful. No way around that!
That's terrible your aunt wouldn't even stay one night to help you out and your mom should be ashamed of herself. You should have gone over her head and asked the companion yourself if she'd do a bit of side work and shop for your father.
When my ex-husband was dying I helped with his care and I was married to someone. My current husband understood why I helped with his care. Even though we were divorced and it was nit a bitter and vicious divorce like some people have, we were married and in each other's lives for a long time.
It's such a shame when families are generous with their criticism and advice to the family caregiver but won't spare a moment of their time to help the family caregiver. I got no use for people like this.