NeedHelpWithMom Asked May 2023
What is your opinion on being at someone’s side as they are approaching the end of their life? Is this important to you?
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I feel that this is an extremely personal decision for people to make. There isn’t a right or wrong way to look at it.
I wish people wouldn’t judge others for not wanting to visit a family member shortly before death. They may have various reasons for feeling as they do.
If it is important to you to be there at the bedside of someone who is dying then you should be there. For others it may be painful and it may or may not not mean that they don’t care about the person.
I don’t think anyone should feel any pressure to be at a dying person’s bedside or feel any guilt if they aren’t.
Also, I truly feel that some people would rather be alone when they die. Yet, some people feel obligated to stay with them.
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I posted this in questions. Why was it moved to discussion by administrators? Why was I kicked off the site after I posted this?
This is exactly what happened. Don’t know if my information will be helpful or not but I want to explain what happened when I posted this.
I was logged in and went to questions, posted a question. Immediately afterwards, I see where I am logged out and it appears that the question wasn’t posted.
Then, as before the question pops up past the editing period and I am unable to post to edit or respond to my post.
What’s up? It’s frustrating and annoying to see this pattern occurring. It has happened several times now.
Can you please explain why this is happening and more importantly can you please resolve the technical issues on this forum.
Thanks!
I was at my brother’s bedside as he was dying. He died the second I walked out of the room. The hospice nurse called me when I was backing out of the parking lot and told me that he was gone.
I do not feel badly about not being there for the exact moment of his death. I wouldn’t have wanted to see him die.
I was not there when each of my parents died either. I visited regularly. They certainly knew that I loved them. No one should feel bad if they weren’t present when a person dies.
It was extremely important for my older brother to be present when my mom died and he was. My younger brother couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to see my mom take her last breath. We are all different.
The doctor said that people should die like they have lived. If they were like hermits, wanting to be alone, then dying alone was how they lived.
You are right, NHWM, it is an extremely personal decision.
I think your question/discussion is a good one, no matter if it appears under questions or under discussions.
As always, I appreciate your support. Thanks for sharing the statement from the doctor.
This is a topic that crosses our minds occasionally.
I am reminded about words that my grandmother occasionally said. “Give me flowers when I am living.”
My grandfather certainly gave her plenty of flowers. He had the most beautiful garden. I loved helping him in his garden.
Grandpa would cut a huge bouquet of flowers and give them to me to give to my grandma to place on the table. It always warmed my heart to see the love that they shared.
As a person dies, their muscles go slack. They lose control of bladder and bowels. They might make noises.
That’s not particularly how I wish to be remembered by family and friends. If it’s in a hospital with someone I don’t know, that’s different. They’re paid to ease people from this
life to the next, and they see it often.
What are your thoughts on being with someone else when they are transitioning? Would that upset you or would you find it comforting to be with them?
As you say, some people like yourself wishes to be alone. Some people are afraid of death and want someone by their side.
I spoke with the hospice social worker and asked her about my brother’s feelings. She told me that he wasn’t afraid of death and that he would be fine with dying alone.
Then the social worker said that when her grandmother died she was afraid of death and asked her to remain with her until she died. She held her grandmother’s hand until she died.
I read your response to Sendhelp. It’s lovely to see that you had a revelation through Sendhelp’s words.
Sendhelp’s words did send a powerful message that I hope others will read and gain insight from as you did.
I wish you peace and healing as you continue to grieve the loss of your mom.
It took my mom 4 days to transition from actively dying to death. I stayed with her pretty much the entire time. And I'm just going to say it, and my apologies if I offend anyone here: but most of that time I was bored out of my mind, just sitting there basically thinking "ok, can we just get on with this already?" Maybe that makes me a horrible person, I don't know, but that's my truth.
And for the last 2 of the 4 days my mother was completely unresponsive; the first 2 of the days she was 'in and out" during which time she was having some really in-depth, unintelligible conversations with someone none of us could see (I'm guessing my dad, who passed in 1982), so I don't believe she was ever really "alone".
Watching my mom pass also has led me to believe that in some cases - and I think my mom was one of these - a person's soul (spirit, life force, etc., whichever term you prefer to use) actually leaves the body before the body's life functions totally cease. I think for those last 2 days, my mom was gone - her spirit, the essence that made her who and what she was - and the shell that was her body just wasn't completely ready to stop its functioning. Like when a clock winds down and doesn't have enough battery power left to move the hands around to tell time, but you can still hear the ticking.
I would never judge someone for the decision either way; but I can absolutely understand if its your personal preference to not sit end-of-life vigil.
I totally agree with you. I also believe that the soul leaves our bodies before the actual death occurs.
I won’t judge anyone either because it is so personal for each of us.
Some people wish to die alone.
I was uncomfortable sitting with my Mom at my father’s bedside . I took her home. Then I returned at sat with my Dad , just the two of us for a couple of hours , I said some things I wanted to say in private to him, and I left , it was midnight . As soon as I got to work the next morning my phone rang and I knew .
My Mom was found passed away in her chair in her room in AL when she didn’t show up for dinner . Probably heart attack . I hope she was napping when it happened .
Call me crazy if you like but I think they hear us. The hospice nurses told me that they still hear us after they lose consciousness.
No one really knows for sure but I think that they do.
I was brought up with the Catholic dictum "you know not the day nor the hour" and thus always try to be prepared for the end, mine and those of the ones I love.
I happened to be at my mom's deathbed. I didn't plan that and wasn't particularly happy to be there. My SIL is much better at this stuff snd guided me through.
No one should be shamed for not being "there". My brother purposefully "needed" to go grocery shopping an hour before mom died. We all understood.
I don’t think I could have handled it if I were alone. I’m glad that your SIL guided you through it.
I guess if it would have happened to me when I was alone I would’ve called for the hospice nurse or aide.
I am like your brother. It would be difficult for me.
Sometimes I think that I definitely would like to die before my husband because it would totally crush me to watch him die.
What irked me was the nurse called me at 10:00 PM on a Monday evening said he started going downhill at seven then just died at ten
Once there, I asked her wny she did not call me at seven if he started going downhill fast then? All she said I am sorry, its my fault.
What can you say to that? She took responsibility but that did not change what happened.
My dad had ALZ and very likely know if people were there or not, though I hear different things. Also hear some people intentionally die when no one is there, though I dont know if I buy that
That is truly sad that the nurse didn’t tell you. I wish that you would have had the opportunity to be at his side since you would have been there if you had been notified.
I am glad that she apologized to you. Like you said though, an apology didn’t change what happened.
I can’t imagine why she didn’t tell you unless some type of emergency prevented her from doing so. She didn’t say that she had an emergency.
It’s odd that she didn’t inform you about his condition.
One thing that I found fascinating when my mom was dying was that she kept seeing a little girl.
She said the child first showed up in her dreams, then at her bedside. Mom said that the child told her that she would stay until the end and protect her from the devil. Kind of creeped me out but mom seemed to be comforted by this child.
The hospice nurse and aides told me that they heard stories like my mom’s frequently. Apparently, some people see others before they leave this earth. Are they hallucinating or traveling between this world and another realm?
One of the hospice nurses said to me, “She’s gone now. Her body just has to catch up with her.” I thought that was an interesting way to describe the transitioning process of dying.
My own mother was unconscious and passed at about 1 am.
NeedHelpWithMom, I don’t know whether your opinion is right or wrong, but I WHOLEHEARTEDLY share it.
She’s 92. She began transitioning to death yesterday, after being on hospice and bedridden for a few months.
Her breathing was irregular today. She’s medicated for pain, and very calm.
The atmosphere today wasn’t scary at all. I said a lot of things to her that I wanted to say. Then, I read psalm 91 to her. After, I prayed with her daughter and thanked God for the life of this precious woman.
I felt privileged to be there today, and was glad that I had that time with her.
I wish that I wasn’t afraid to see someone die but to be honest, I would be terrified.
I hired a wonderful painter several years back. He was meticulous about his work and always did a great job for us.
We have really tall ceilings and my husband didn’t feel like doing the painting so a friend of mine recommended using John.
A friend of mine asked me for his phone number. I gave it to her so she could get an estimate for the painting that she needed done.
My friend called me back and told me that John’s wife answered the phone and said that he died in his sleep next to her. It broke my heart to hear that he died. He adored his family. His wife was a schoolteacher.
I can’t imagine having someone that you love die in bed next to you. It has to be an enormous shock. John wasn’t even that old. He had fallen off a tall ladder when painting and they thought he was okay. Not long after he died in his sleep.