What to do about Christmas?

Yes, he will stop, but it can be a long time in the future. But before that, he may ask repeatedly - your method of handling it now is good.

Tell him you want XYZ and then sit down with him at the computer and buy it, with him watching. When it arrives, wrap the gift up in wrapping paper and put it under the tree with a tag to You from DH. Then, every time he asks you, point to the wrapped gift under the tree and let him know it's already wrapped & waiting to be opened by you on Christmas morning. Do the same for him; ask him what he'd like and repeat the steps mentioned above.

Do whatever is easiest that will help you answer the 10,000 questions that come with the dementia territory you KNOW will be forthcoming. Do NOT allow DH to purchase anything on his own, or God forbid, drive anywhere to purchase anything. Those days are gone now.

Who knows if and when he'll stop asking; dementia is very different for each person suffering from the condition. It DOES change however, so just when you think you know what's coming next, it'll change. That's one of the worst things about it: the not knowing.

Best of luck.

Can you two start a "new" tradition? Place slips of paper of "things" you want in a jar and he can pull out a slip of paper and read what is on it.
That can do 2 things.
1. if he "forgets" the items is on paper and he can refer to it any time.
2. you can monitor his comprehension of the written word. He at some point may not know how to read or how to associate a word on paper with the meaning of the word.
3. in stead of "things" you want make this things that you want him to do FOR you. Fix the back stair, clean the basement, take you to dinner. This also will serve a function, can he complete a task? Does he know how to begin the project and carry through.

Yes he will at some point stop asking but that is a loss, a decline. There will be many along the way.
Has he had a "formal" diagnosis? Have you both talked to an Elder Care Attorney and set up paperwork that you may need in the near future. Have you discussed his wishes as to advance directives? Have you given thought as to how much you can do, is there a point that you will consider placing him in Memory Care?

In order to prevent him from shopping online, just say that it should be a new tradition not to give each other presents. Tell him you’d rather have quiet time together watching a special tv program or walking or whatever. Time to discourage online shopping and driving. Both are dangerous for memory impaired, especially in a new location.

One year my Mother kept asking what was the plan for Xmas. I suspect it was more worry about the plan than forgetting the plan, so different situation from you. But I think I'd treat the same way - 'treat' the worry with reasurrance. Whatever your answer: no gifts this year or gift is already bought (both great by the way) keep your answer the same - make it short, simple, confident.

The suggestion to wrap the gift already is a very good one. This adds a visual cue - this could be the winner!

Then point to it, a simple statement with confidence that it is already prepared. He may not remember & keep asking, but hopefully his worries fade quickly each time.

Just a thought: How about you "Christmas shop together" online. This way you can control the spending, you can show him what you'd like, and he can order it (okay, you're ordering it, but you get what I mean). Maybe you can guide him into showing you something he'd like and you order it. This way you have a "shopping excursion" together. It can be a holiday "event". Maybe have some coffee/tea/hot chocolate and cookies on the side and some holiday music in the background. Make yourselves a little special time. (Okay, I just realized how obnoxiously perky and Hallmark movie that sounded...sorry, but maybe it'll work).

If your husband always enjoyed giving you gifts, don’t deny him that pleasure. My husband always made a big deal of getting me something for special occasions. Eventually he was no longer able to pull that off.
When he asks, tell him what you want. Then get yourself that gift. Later, show him the package and remind him the gift is from him. When it’s time to exchange gifts you can open yours and thank him as you would have in the past. You can even tell him he had help getting the gift for you if he asks further questions. Emphasis on how pleased you are. Keep the joy of giving in his life.

Why can't you just take him to your favorite store and help him pick out something for you as I'm sure he still enjoys giving you a gift? You're making it harder than it has to be.
There will come a day when you will wish that he was still here to give you a present, so please enjoy each other while you can.

There are a lot of good answers here. It takes creativity and support to scaffold for your husband to be successful with things he really wants - and clearly he wants to give you a present.

I am a bit more concerned about how long this has been going on and how sad you seem. I hope you find a dementia support group so you can expand your strategies instead of denying yourself - and your husband - of wonderful memories that are increasingly precious.

In general, my strategy is to do MORE, not less to help my mom remember and participate in events. I know it helps her brain remain elastic and it helps maintain our relationship as long as possible.

Its just weird that she should be miserable just to make her husband happy.

I guess this is what happens to caregivers they have to do everyrhing the sick person wants and their feelings and wants are no longer important.

Sounds like people are suggesting all this work for a gift the OP doesnt even want.

No, likely he won't stop asking.
It sounds like he has some type of dementia.
Has he been tested? This has been going on for years so I am presuming that you've had him tested.
If he's been tested and confirmed to have dementia, his memory will be impaired, as you know/experience.
If he hasn't been tested, why not and get him to his primary MD ASAP to get a diagnosis.

I sense your question is more about his repetitive statements and forgetting vs Christmas/gifts, etc. You want to know how to respond to him and manage the 'communication' / 'responses' you hear over and over again (causing you stress if not somewhat severe anxiety, frustration, grief (due to his declining cognitive abilities), which is understandable).

* I don't think there is any 'cut and dry' response here.
* It is a matter of you adjusting to his condition, understanding it and that he will continue to do what he is doing or it may become more severe.
* All you can change is how you adjust how you feel about this situation - realizing that it is what it is and that you need:
- Self compassion
- Self care
- Self love
+ Support from family and friends, neighbors, church - wherever you can get it.

What would I do? It is easy being on the outside looking in vs being in a situation (as many here on this site are or have been).

* For my own sanity, I wouldn't bring up Christmas at all (although too late for that now).

* I would keep my response VERY SHORT.
- Wear a necklace or a watch and say "See, you bought me this beautiful XXX. Its almost dinner time, what would you like for dinner Honey?"
- "We exchanged gifts" - and what would you like for dinner Honey?"

In other words, shift the conversation IMMEDIATELY to hopefully shift his automatic response pattern, knowing that it will likely / possible happen again in 1-5 minutes or however often he repeats himself.

* Give yourself respite breaks. YOU NEED THESE BREAKS.

- Whatever you do, can you leave him and take a walk around your garden or the block or something / somewhere ? Go into your room and cry or read a passion from an inspirational book?

There is NO PROBABLY about it re him shopping on-line. You need to insure that he doesn't have access to these sites NOR credit cards, etc. Clearly, you know there is a memory problem (dementia) so I question why he might be in a physical position to even get to the point of shopping on-line, even if he could / can open websites.

I sense there may be some denial (his ability to shop on-line) and/or your need for guidance / education on types of dementia (google and read TEEPA SNOW's website- call her office, get her webinars.
- You will learn a lot of what you need to know (i.e., how to communicate with a loved one with dementia).
- She brilliantly shows us how to respond / communicate.

Lastly, if he has the ability, tell him you want a hand massage. This is a lovely way to connect and something he could do immediately. And, you might get a few since he repeats himself . . . Get a shoulder, neck massage, or foot massage. This will really help you, and he will feel good, doing something you want - giving you something you want. If he can't, tell him you want to gift him a massage.

Take care of yourself. My heart goes out to you.

Gena / Touch Matters

Buy something you want, wrap it and stick it under the tree. When he asks what you want, tell him he's already gotten your Christmas present and point to the gift under the tree. My mother in law asks repeatedly every day about Christmas and what to get us. I point to the presents under the tree that we wrapped and put under there ourselves and tell her "You've already shopped for us, see under the tree. You're more prepared for Christmas than you think you are!" in an upbeat and positive voice. And then ask about a topic he likes to talk about- the weather, the family pet etc something to change the subject

Well forget him, he no longer counts. Control the money honey, you are all that matters. When you get old it will happen to you, then you won't matter.
Ask a deity for a miracle, see what happens.

Buy yourself something that makes you happy and wrap it up and tell him he bought you a gift and that it is under the tree. Could be a gift card for you to go to lunch away for the day. Or something as simple as a book of poetry for you to read for every day you are blessed with who you are and getting you through the days.:)
Alzheimer's and Dementia never getting easier, so be blessed that he even asks.
Take care and God Speed. You got this.

I think if this your worse problem…
you’re lucky !!

Are you Familiar with The Five Love Languages? It is a very interesting idea about the way people give and receive love. It sounds like maybe your husband's "love language" is gifts. Has he always enjoyed giving you gifts? That would make sense! If gifts is your husband's love language, why would you want to deny him the pleasure he feels from expressing his love to you through gifts? I would just run with it. The blessing to you is that he cares what you want so you can get yourself something that you actually DO want. [Some of us (like me) know that I'll be opening things on Christmas morning that are something that caught my husband's eye but may have nothing to do with what I would want.] The author of The 5 Love Languages (Gary Chapman) has also written a beautiful book about using the love languages with someone with dementia. It is called Keeping Live Alive as Memories Fade. It's worth reading.

The repetition is certainly tiresome, but why not try to give your husband some feeling of joy in being able to give you something. What if you write down a gift on a good sized card. If he loses the card, make another one. If he cannot actually shop, you can pick the item up for him. Does he want to wrap it and give it to you? Help him do that. You might return the gift after Christmas, but you will have given your husband the gift of being a valuable part of the holiday. It breaks my heart to think of his longing to participate and just being put off. See if there is a way you can include him in the gift tradition.

Would it be possible to say you want something perhaps online, order, wrapped if possible, and place it where he can see it? Open it if he insists or leave it wrapped if not. Just point it our and thank him. You could put a card from him to you on it. Heck, you might be able to leave it in sight all year. Maybe some piece of decoration for the room, vase,, ? I read much more often of people feeling their ill love one never considers them.

MaPotter,
Does your husband still have access to his own money?
Make sure he has the money to buy that gift you do not want.

Have someone take him shopping for flowers. Then, everytime he asks, thank him for the flowers he bought for you.

With memory issues, try not to change the traditions he still wants to observe.
Be grateful he remembers that he wants to give you a gift. That is so very sweet!

There is an art to being a gracious receiver. Even though as wives we may err on the side of practicality, efficiency, or the budget, be gracious this year even if it takes repeating several times and is more work for you.

You deserve a gift this year, you really do. Receive it.

A few ideas since he REALLY in his heart wants to get you something:

You can say something like, " I always love whatever you pick, so whatever you come up with." That might frustrate him, so you have to gauge.

Is there someone else that can shop for him and get the item you say, help him wrap?

Or can you buy the item you tell him, wrap it, and say it's from him? Depending on his state of mind...

Or, you buy several small items that both of you can use or enjoy. Little things. I do that because my husband doesn't like the pressure of shopping, yet I like the fun, so he feels bad if he doesn't shop. So I buy just little items and fill both our stockings with items we both end up using/enjoying. He ends up shopping some anyways, or wraps stuff we already have as a joke. Lol

If he is still able to wrap.. Maybe buy the item you tell him, then bring him the bag later saying, "Is this something you got? I didn't want to look inside in case there were any Christmas surprises in there."

Hope that helps. Best of luck, God bless, and Merry Christmas!

You could take him shopping & both select a gift for each other,

Or find something online & show it to him & say I’d really want that…let’s order it for my Christmas gift. Could he wrap the gift when it arrives? That may make him feel more like Xmas.

Even though it’s a stressor for you, cherish these times. He wants to make you happy. Eventually he may not know who you are.

My husband was the same way. When he was asked not to drive…he drove to the store to buy me flowers! I wanted to kill him, yet I was so very touched. I still cry about it. He no longer drives.
We put up Christmas deco, yet he still doesn’t remember it’s Xmas. We don’t do gifts, but have a nice dinner - his appetite is still good.

Dont worry so much…just find little ways to appease what he wants.

Good luck - keep us posted.

This is just his love and probably guilt showing. Write it down for him, and put it in his wallet. Or buy whatever you said, and have him wrap it. Try to let go the hurt and accept the joy he would like you to feel.

Laugh. Since not really celebrating anymore, it's nice not having the stress and all that many go through this time of year.

This is a non problem compared to what most caregivers go thru.

Mapotter: Perhaps a little fib may work, e.g. 'DH, remember that you bought me the lavender sweater?' (something that you already own). I mean, if he may never stop asking, you may have to get creative and in no way, did I intend to impose humor into the situation. In all likelihood, he may indeed have gifted you the sweater in the past.

Tell him christmas is cancelled.

He probably won't stop asking. It's the tradition, in his mind, associated with the holiday to get you a gift. If you run a little ruse, say you want a camera lens, show him one online, and act as if you purchase it... Would something like that help him feel like he's given you something?

It takes creative solutions to get through the increasing memory loss of a loved one.

Ignore Christmas. It is an ancient myth. And everyone knows .

I don’t celebrate. No problem

I am not sure why people are being flip and not giving answers here
how about get online with him and show him 3 things you might like. Have him choose one and you help him order it.
them print a photo and order sheet of it. Whenever he asks you - say “ you ordered me something already- go look on your dresser to see the order form”. Then he can see and check on his gift each time he asks.