I help my mom out. I wouldn't completely call myself a caregiver. She has a couple that comes in and helps her several days a week. She gets around in the house well on her own. I do all the POA things, bills, etc., and "help." The help requests are becoming more ridiculous. Make no mistake I have very clear boundaries, and she knows the word no. I do not tolerate bullying, tantrums, and she hates it when I tell her I'm not in the mood for a guilt trip.
It seems though when I do come over for small tasks, usually having to do with a computer issue or a TV issue, I will be one foot out the door and she'll say, "Oh could you look at x,y,z" or "Do you think you could..." I mean I'm out the door. Most of the time I'll respond with, "Next time." unless it's small and not worth the battle.
I see this as a means of controlling or controlling behavior but wondering if this happens to anyone else. I urge you all to maintain or create boundaries and stand firm on your capabilities. It took me a while, but it can be done. Dropping everything and running helps no one.
When what she needed became too much for us to manage, we told her she needed to move to a facility with staff to manage most of the everyday stuff. (She had already tried in home help).
I realize this doesn't work for everyone --not everyone has the money to move to a good facility.
Encourage your mother to note down in a single place what needs doing. Then YOU prioritize or hire out.
Executive Functioning is often the first thing to go in loss of cognitive functioning.
My mother had THE most irritating habit of beating around the bush and never directly asking for what she wanted. That way, she could say she NEVER asked me for a single thing and I foisted it upon her! Ridiculously passive-aggressive behavior, I know.
Its great that you have boundaries in place, meaning you should have no issues enforcing them with this issue either. They'll always keep Trying to test us though, looking for cracks in the armor 😑
Hints, suggestions, subtle comments.
I'm sure you'd like to..
I thought you'd like to do me a favour?
I guess you'll be free at X o'clock?
I don't know how I will..
I don't know who will..
Or my 'favorite': A hint-suggestion using someone else's name!
(Insert name) thought you'd like to do.. xyz.. for me.
No. They were wrong.
That is always a possibility.
So if you have a fairly healthy relationship with your mom I do hope that you're spending time with her doing fun things and not just seeing her when you're there to do errands and odd jobs for her, as that could be the issue right there.
Just a different perspective.
The “I need you to do this and I need you to do that,” is what her relationship is with me. It seems to be all she says or does. Doesn’t mean she’ll get it today, but when I’m available, ok. I’ve tried to have more fun in the relationship but she just won’t do it. I’ve just been informed of a family reunion she’s decided to have at her house at the end of the month. I hope she knows a good cleaning lady…
Encourage your Mom to negotiate looking for her own help. It can be real anxiety for us elders. Somehow she has become used to your stopping over to do things; that is likely something you have no small part in getting her used to. I am 81. My 61 year old daughter lives in another state. Don't guess she will have that problem.
So there may be too many visits, too much togetherness. You have already picked up all the bill paying. Mom is getting used to letting others do things for her and believe me I understand. Not worth your life to try to find a plumber or electrician when you need one. Negotiating the new tech isn't fun after a certain age. Making appointments and getting to them gets to be more and more of a pain.
This will take KIND and GENTLE withdrawal, and suggesting of lists on which Mom can find help on her own. At some point, when she cannot, she may prefer to think about ALF where someone will have computer advice for certain if my bro's place was any example, and where mom will have some companionship in her own age rage and some arranged activities while you get on with your own life more.
Wish you good luck. The ball is kind of in your court. You may have to try a few things before you find something that works, but if you don't find them then this will only get a good deal worse with time. And do consider a real non-argumentative, non-judgemental time to sit and discuss that this is getting to be too much for you, and you are worrying about the level of mom's dependence on you. These hard and HONEST talks are crucial.
I was lucky I was retired when Moms Dementia reared its ugly head. I don't know what it would have been like to come home from work only to have to go to her house and do things for her or waiting till the weekend to do things for her. All because she expected it or felt it was my duty when her other 2 children did nothing. TG my Mom was not like that. But if she needed anything it was me. And I did it because she did it for me and she appreciated it. Even Dad who was a Curmudgeon could say thank you.
I so wished I had talked her into selling her house and going to an apt after my Dads death. She would have been able to live on her monthly income and the proceeds from her house going towards her care later. No taxes, no water bills, no upkeep.
My uncle didn’t want to move out of his large two story home. Eventually, he had to go into a facility. My cousins worked full time and couldn’t go to his home as often as he needed. Plus, he could no longer manage the stairs. He was living in his basement.
My husband’s grandparents didn’t want to leave their large home either. Fortunately, they had money for private caregivers.
I did it too. I drove to my parents home and I remember thinking on the drive over that the day would be shot. As many people know, one thing leads to another.
Continue to set boundaries with your mom and be honest with yourself instead of allowing resentment to build up.
If you find yourself going too often, plan to find suitable alternatives to fulfill her needs.
You shouldn’t have to drop everything on a regular basis to help out.
After reading your response to Funky I think ur frustrated. I think u may feel Mom does not want a relationship with her child she wants someone at her beck and call. "Really Mom, you don't want to have a nice dinner out. Go out for the day?" Maybe it was Dad before who was at her beck and call, he passed, now Mom expects her child to do it especially if a male.
Ask Mom what SHE WANTS TO DO, maybe. Instead of suggesting, having Mom say no, and then blaming her for not wanting to do what you want to do.
I just think it all sounds so "touchy". So many things that are really just "little things" to me. I don't understand them getting so built up into something bigger unless there is some hidden anger there that may have to do with an entire childhood. Which really is fodder for some psychologist ready to count the money out over.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/it-seems-my-mom-only-talks-to-me-this-way-are-there-good-ways-to-deal-with-it-480575.htm
I'm glad you have some tools intact to keep your mother's abusive/ lashing out behavior from destroying you, my friend. I always kept limited contact with my mother, too, bc she'd ruin any attempts I'd make to create nice times. Not everything and/or everyone is fixable, and sometimes, the best thing we can do is as little as possible.
Once I got help from a therapist things really changed for the better for me. Mom still gives it a try in pushing boundaries and limits but I have better coping tools to get on with it. She starts the yelling and the cursing, I either hang up or drive away. Before it was tears and me apologizing for whatever I’d done. Which, was nothing.
I think I understand your message above a great deal more after your responses to us.
It seems to me you are not especially new at attempting to care for your Mom. And I think you have a great handle on it all, have tried lots of things, have learned you cannot and will not change her.
Seems to me now you weren't ASKING US for help, but telling us some ways you learned to manage your Mom's demands on you and your time.
So I will just end by congratulating you on setting good boundaries and on accepting who your Mom is. You say she isn't going into any ALF (and adamantly not going) so just see to it you don't enable her a whole lot in this bad choice of hers; and whatever you do, don't take her into your home.
As I said, and as I think you already know, Mom's not changing. Visits less, and that will encourage her to reach out to others for the care she requires, even if only out of desperation. It will help keep her more vital and more engaged over time.
Take care of yourself.
Every once in a while I put a question like mine out into the universe maybe already knowing the answer, but hoping to gain insight to see where I am in the world. My mom has been a difficult case. She tried to stop me, the youngest, at every turn from going to college, marrying, all of it. I was the ‘saver of her marriage,’ and as we can see that worked out well. I was never supposed to leave home. I was supposed to pay half my paycheck in rent for my room, and shut up.
Maybe I post on here to try not to feel so alone in the sometimes ridiculousness that her behavior is, because as hard as I’ve worked on me to be strong about it, I doubt myself around every corner.
I decided after putting my question out there if I’m one foot out the door when she asks again, it’ll be “next time, mom.” I have seen this woman through 5 ambulance calls, 3 stints in skilled nursing which she left against medical advice, refusing agency home care help, “No! Only you are to take care of me. I don’t want to pay for it. You’re family you should do it!” The list goes on. When I finally pushed back she relented and now has the best caregivers 3 times a week anyone could ask for.
I am somewhat forgiving because of her brain and mental status, but at the same time she’ll tell me “remember last week you told me you can’t do this, that, etc.” She’s still somewhat sharp enough. And she has done wonderfully well physically having the ladies come in to help her shower, dress, eat, and keep her house clean.
Some days though, I just get really low. Maybe I’m not asking for help but hoping to be heard, and a lot of you on here do just that.
Thanks.
Hear, Hear!
"Dropping everything and running helps no one". Agree. Just stress.