Appreciate any advice from members here and the time it takes to read the below:
So a bit of backstory: my best friend (67m) of 24 years died a year ago of cancer and his boyfriend(68m) of 20 years was his primary caregiver for the last 6 months of his life. I (45m) live 4,000 miles away, my spouse (51m) and I moved just as my friend fell ill. I flew back to visit for a week and a half prior to his death. I cleaned, tried to set things up for him and give some emotional support to him and his BF. Grieve together, say our goodbyes. On my return my FIL died unexpectedly (heart attack), 10 days later my friend died and I was unable to attend the funeral due to family obligations. After his passing I talked with his BF often, giving advice on how to divest belongings, sharing our grief, being a main point of contact between him and my deceased friends family. Then about 4 months later my friends BF, David, dropped off the face of the planet. I thought he needed time so I gave it to him. I wouldn’t hear from him through the summer and was eventually able to track him down by sleuthing out an acquaintances phone number online. He had been hospitalized in September, had lost his phone etc. This was October that I made contact again. So I flew out and helped sort things out for him at the rehab care facility. Dealt with some minor and major fires left untended and was able to get contact info with Social Work at the care home. David was on the mend and they expected him to go home in January. During this visit my MIL passed and I had to cut my visit short (1week) to get back home. When it rains it pours.
Last week David reached out to me to let me know he was going home. I was thrilled for him, asked him if he had a plan in place? “Yes”. He laid on some manipulation to see if I was able to visit, I politely let him know that I currently have other obligations. He owns and lives in an apartment building and one of his tenants (30m) has been more than helpful and has since been my sole point of contact with him since he got home. This tenant is also leaving the country for a month in 1 week to visit his spouses(30f) family in Asia.
The crux of my question: Unbeknownst to me I was listed as his primary contact for emergency and otherwise and my phone has been blowing up with support trying to set up PT OT. I followed up with them all set up appointments and got the ball rolling for him as there appears to be no plan and he is now without a Social Worker. David has no insurance, SSI or Medicare he is on State assistance and I do not know anything of his finances. I am unable to care for this friend and am too far away. David is a classic narcissist, a heavy pill and alcohol user and is extremely manipulative. He was once quite charming, but all his friends and family have distanced themselves from him as he began to use more and more. I did not sign up for this and though I am fond of the man, in my own way, I do not want this level of responsibility for his well-being. He is clearly using my sentiment for my friend as leverage and it worked for a bit until I caught him out in a few colossal lies in the past few days.
How do I remove myself while also assuring that care will be provided for him? How do I get removed as a primary contact? I am a total novice to any of this and feel a bit overwhelmed that he has no one else to turn to, but…
Any pointers, advice would be greatly appreciated.
I no longer volunteer. Seems when u volunteer they think you have all the time in the world. If they ask, I probably will do it but it does not make me feel obligated. I may say No the next time.
I also found that my friends have no problem telling me no but when I do it, its OMG. I do not expect anything in return when I do someone a favor but its surprising how people react when I can't do for them after all I have done. And you should not have to give them an excuse. "Sorry, no I am not able to do that" should be enough.
The struggle continues. Best to you and yours, Xoxo
If he needs state guardianship he must ask for it.
Tell him so.
All callers are then told that you are merely a friend from out of town, are not acting for this person, and will not be in future, and that you are not to be called again.
I am afraid you took on too much and this has made it confusing for David. He didn't understand that yours was emergency care. He is desperate. Steer him to his social workers now and his care workers. They will help him maneuver the system. Don't step in again; you will add to the confusion if you do. Keep it to cheery cards and notes.
If you surround yourself with vipers you are bound to be bit eventually.
As to stepping in again? Oh no, the advice I have gotten here confirmed my resolve that this is for the best. So thank you, I appreciate it. I very much needed to hear all of this. I held my word for my friend, and wished to do so, but this? No, it’s too much.
appreciate your candor. After the last 3 months of nudging him along to make a plan only to discover that his plan is me I do very much wish to disappear into the woodwork.
"He owns and lives in an apartment building..." but has no insurance (health insurance? life?), SS or Medicare. Why is this? How is this possible?
He "is a classic narcissist, a heavy pill and alcohol user and is extremely manipulative" who tells colossal lies.
You live 4000 miles away.
Nothing about this will work. You won't be able to assure he will be provided for if he doesn't at least help himself. He needs to at least be honest. And his addiction will only complicate his care. You have no control here or any real ability to help.
I would tell the tenent/contact to keep calling APS and eventually when David gets "bad enough" they will step in to take over all his care and affairs. In the meantime you may need to consider being honest with him that the sheer distance between you makes helping him very difficult and he needs to find a local advocate. Point him towards his local Area Agency on Aging and social services. The more you insert yourself the longer it takes for a realistic solution to happen.
Bless you for what you've done for him to this point. So sorry for your other losses. May you receive peace in your heart that there's only so much you can actually do for David.
Thank you, I knew this was going to be the answer, but was a bit conflicted as it seems cruel. I cannot be his plan B when he never had a plan A to start with.
appreciate you.
I would just call APS in the city where David lives and tell them what you've told us and let them know that you never agreed to be his point of contact, and that they need to step in and take over him and his care now.
They will have a state appointed person oversee his care and the state going forward will be responsible for him.
Best wishes in getting this all figured out.
Thank you, your advice was clear and rational and I needed to hear brutal truth. Appreciate you.